Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Good Vibrations Part 1

The song is about a vibrator...the video is about 2 and a half minutes!

I apologize (not really) for the horrible pun title, but the topic at hand must be discussed without further delay! Vibrators, dildos, toys, pocket-rockets, battery-operated boyfriends, plugs, butterflies, wand "massagers", rabbits, or whatever the hell you feel like calling them, can be a girl's best friend, but only if she knows what to look for. I received a request for a sex-toy article in the style of the strap-on one, tossed the idea out to the twitter-verse, and it sounds like a winner with a real need, so let's get started...

There are taboos to masturbation in general for women and sex toys. I have heard the comment they look like penises being a problem for lesbians--really? Look at the pictures on this blog, now I don't know a ton about cock (anything really) but I know they don't look like that. Some sex toys do, but you almost have to go out of your way these days to get one that does. I've also heard the complaint that they aren't natural like fingers and tongues. Oh for fuck's sake (you clicked the FFS link on the last blog, didn't you?), are we suddenly so enamored with doing things the "natural" way that we've taken to eating spaghetti with our hands instead of a fork, digging holes in the yard instead of using the toilet, or started shouting "Hey you!" out our window rather than use our cell phone? If you're that crazy about "natural" you probably shouldn't be reading this blog on a computer or using the internet in general. The real hangup I hear from most younger women is the stigma of owning a toy as if it somehow means they can't get laid or that they're crazy freak sluts who are so sex crazed they'll resort to mechanical relief to...blah blah blah fucking blah...sometimes my own gender's issues with their sexuality irritates the shit out of me. Here's a little history lesson, ladies. Sex toys have existed since before the plow; there is are sex toy museums on Santorini Island in Greece and Shanghai China both of which have toys that date back more than 4,000 years; women have been doing this a LONG time. More than that, are we really supposed to be so ashamed of our own sexuality that we can't bring ourselves to an orgasm? This is why so many women reach their 40s without ever having had one. Masturbation is self-care, good for your mental health and physical well-being; it also directly contributes to your ability to enjoy sex when you have it, so get over the stigma put on us by idiotic men and bitchy women who are only trying to suppress everyone else's sexuality because they're so ashamed of their own.

Oh, sure, this just looks horrible. Why would anyone want to do this and have a bunch of orgasms? I'd much rather be sexually repressed and churn butter or something.

Plus, and I cannot stress this enough, we get awesome fucking sex toys! Have you seen the weird shit men have to make do with? A rubber pussy inside a flashlight body is supposed to be the best one in the world...WTF? Really? Ours also don't carry the shame male ones do. If a girl own a sex toy, she's considered liberated and sexually adventurous; if a guy owns a sex toy, he's a freak who can't get laid (or gay--gay boys don't have nearly the problem with this the straight ones do). It's not remotely fair and I really do feel sorry for guys about this unfair double standard...actually, no I don't, how do you assholes like double standards? We get to live our entire lives with about fifty-bajillion! Think I've alienated the handful of male readers I had? Do you think I ever had any? Whatever, not everything needs to be male-friendly.

At least we don't have to watch a movie with our vibrator before we masturbate.

Part 1 will focus on the basics of toys and part 2 will step it up a notch for advanced users and lesbians comfortable with the tools of the trade.

Variety is the spice of masturbation!

Let's start where we did with the strap-ons discussion...size, shape, and comfort levels. As you can see from the lovely chart above, these things are varied (far more so than strap-ons) and can cover a wide range of sensations. The point is, it's going to take some experimenting to find what you like most and what works best for you. They didn't build a million different models, styles, and designs for the artistic merit of toys (and some of them are darn pretty, aren't they?); they built them because some work in different ways for different people. The key is to finding what you like and what works for you. This is going to require a trial and error period since, let's face it, there isn't really a return option for toys, and aren't we all glad for that? Find something you find visually appealing that has a functionality you know you'll enjoy. If you're a big time clit-cummer, look for toys that specialize in clitoral stimulation first. If you're curious about g-spot work, and your fingers just aren't up to the task, shop with that in mind for one of the wickedly curved little ladies. These are tools to do a job, and that job is getting you off; you'll only want to work with the tools if they work for you and look good doing it.

This is what you picture when I say "sex shop" isn't it?

There is this stigma to sex shops, and it's well-earned, trust me, but it's not universal anymore. There are boutiques for sex toys, porn, costumes, lingerie, and guides now that are entirely geared toward women. Don't get me wrong, the creepy ones with the booths guys use to make paper machete animals (I'm a gold star lesbian--I don't want to think about what they actually do in there) still exist, they just don't have the monopoly they once had. If you live in a larger city, or larger city adjacent, finding one of these female friendly, well-lit, typically staffed by young women and extremely gay men, shouldn't be too difficult. If you live in the boonies where the only sex shop is also a taxidermist's office, you might need to take a look on the internet for your safe-shopping experience. But that's not a problem! They even sell "marital aides" on Amazon now. If you do the sex boutique direction, watch out for the up-selling though. Most of the sex-shop-girls, who are really lovely people, work on commission with quotas and item rates to meet; they'll help you if you're new to the game, but they'll usually help you spend a lot more money than you probably should.

What happens if you ask a lesbian if she's "well-hung"

This actually brings up a good point--cost! You really can almost spend as much or as little as you want on sex toys. There are toys that cost as much as your rent and there are little $10 vibrators that look like lipstick tubes. This might also be one of the only times in your life where you don't have to spend more to get more. Functionality is more important than price or form in this case. You can spend several hundred dollars on a multi-function rabbit with rotating/vibrating g-spot stimulating beads, end tilting function, and a multi-speed clit stimulating arc with a control system that looks like your TV remote, and you may even figure out how it works (I'm still figuring out mine after two-ish years) but it also might just sit around looking very nifty and collecting expensive dust when you realize you don't need or want most of what it does. My girlfriend's favorite vibrator is a little $15 gizmo, it is a gizmo, but it's also called Gizmo, she bought years ago; we have other toys (more on that later) but when she's interested in self-love, she reaches for Gizmo. When we're having fun together, the entire treasure trove gets broken out (again, more on that in part 2). The point being, don't think a small sex-toy budget will preclude you from getting something you'll enjoy.

Figuring it all out is part of the fun!

Once you start building up your tool box or tools for your box (I know, what's with me and the bad puns today?) you'll have to start considering care for your special little friends, or big friends if you went that route.

If you are using electronic toys, and I highly recommend you do, very few are the plug in type (my personal favorite happens to be, but we'll talk more about that in part 2), so you'll have to think about batteries. In this case, name-brand, high yield batteries are NOT what you want. Duracel, Engergizer, any brand wealthy enough to advertise actually runs the risk of burning out your sensitive little toy's motor. Get the 99 cent store brand batteries, or, even better, rechargeable batteries; they have a lower power output rate and they won't cost you a fortune in batteries and burned out toys. To be honest, most toys don't use a whole lot of power, so you're not likely to need the massive storage quantity of the name brand batteries which were designed to go into gargantuan power-suckers like digital cameras and remote control helicopters.

Many non-electronic rubber and silicon dildos are dishwasher safe (top shelf only please), but this might not be a good way to clean them if you have kids or roommates who won't appreciate a 10" purple rubber cock next to their favorite cereal bowl. Soap, water, a quick hand job under the faucet, and then a fine little layer of hand-sanitizer will usually cover it and can be accomplished with the business end of electronic toys. Most toys are water resistant (obviously wetness is part of their job), but that doesn't necessarily mean WATERPROOF. Double check this very important distinction before you take your fun friends into the shower or bathtub with you; some toys are champion scuba divers who will gladly submarine you in a bubble bath, but most are not.
There are sex toys shaped like rubber duckies if you're into that sort of thing.

Speaking of showers--the jokes on sitcoms and romantic comedies aren't entirely full of shit. You can get off using a stream of shower water in the right way. I don't know if this qualifies exactly as a sex toy, but it's something worth mentioning, because it can be combined with a sex toy for some pretty mind-blowing fun (as long as you've found the all important WATERPROOF label on your toy). I'm probably not the only one here who had some of their first self-sexual experiences with a shower nozzle, but that might explain why water is fairly erotic for so many of us. Shower heads can be good toy substitutes or good toy accompaniment if you're so inclined to experiment and have the right kind of water pressure.

I feel like she's doing it wrong, but that might just be because I don't take a chair and a fireman into the shower with me.

In part 2 we're going to get into all the fun of the different types of toys, safe-sex as a lesbian packing a toy chest, and the importance of protecting your masturbatory investments. I'm not 100% sure, but I think the bad jokes and puns will have to continue through part 2.


BMF said...

Nice. Have you ever heard the song, "Coin Operated Boy" by the Dresden Dolls? Made of plastic and elastic, he is rugged and long-lasting, who could ever ever ask for more?

Anyway, I had that song running through my head while reading this.

Good stuff, as usual, Cassandra! It's funny, my very first (aww) orgasm was from water pressure.

Cassandra Duffy said...

My first one was too...and probably the next forty or fifty after that. It took awhile for me to figure out I could climax while not in the shower.

I like the video for "Coin Operated Boy"

BMF said...

Yep. I had to use other means when I started having some issues.