Where I've Gone

I worked a 9 to 5 job for years in Florida. It was rewarding, important work that ate up all my energy and emotional bandwidth, but was worth losing myself in. Then I moved and then Covid happened, and I've been doing freelance stuff on the side, mostly grant writing, some consulting, and a lot of wishing things had ended differently with my last employer. I moved home to Southern California to be closer to my family, but that wasn't seen as a valid reason for leaving. Bridges burned, friendships died overnight, and people I'd once shared triumphs and tragedies with for years were suddenly happy to see I didn't land on my feet.

This sort of thing will fuck with a person.

I tried to take up writing again, failed, tried again, failed again, abandoned Twitter and threw myself into finding another calling only to fail at that too. My wife makes enough money for both of us to live on, but that's not what I want even if she's kinda pleased with having me be a housewife/writer again. Okay, so how do I remember how to write again?

Not a rhetorical question. I'm seriously asking.

I spent most of this week trying to turn a writing journal prompt into a short story and ended up thoroughly in my own head about the whole thing. Was it a cute idea with no legs? Did I mistake an exercise for an actual story? What clunky bullshit was I covering up by trying to make it funny? And most of all, how does it end?

That's a big one for me: I always know how my stories end before I start.

My next idea involved re-reading some of my past stuff to see if I could hear my own voice again, but it wasn't there. I picked An Undead Grift for Christmas and Ravens from the Ashes for the exercise. At the end of both, I was left feeling like I was good once upon a time, but I didn't see how it all fit together anymore. The last book I published was Pintor Noche in 2017, which means the last time I wrote fiction of any real quality was at least five years ago since there's about a year lag on completion of writing to publication and that's if everything moves fast.

What changes in us to lose what we were?

Because I was a writer. I lived, breathed, and swam through writing for the better part of a decade and felt myself glow from the creativity I was a part of. I feel like I've been cutoff from the feed somehow. The cosmic inspiration or zeitgeist or collective unconscious for the Jungians.

I'm Steve Sax and I don't even know who that is.

He's a baseball player, or was, I know that much. From before I was born, I think. But there was a TV show, I can't even remember which one, where someone talked about Steve Sax who had made the throw from shortstop or second to first base thousands of times, but then, suddenly, he couldn't do it anymore. He straight up forgot how to throw. Short throws, long throws, throws to any point on the diamond were all off the table for a guy whose entire job was catching a ball and throwing it somewhere accurately. I can't remember how the story ended in the show or movie, and I have no idea what became of Steve Sax, but that's been weirdly stuck in my head for months now. I forgot how to throw.

I've got the yips or the shanks or some other sport metaphor. Dick fingers? Is that one?

The question now is do I fight it and try to get back to making the routine throws so I can feel comfortable enough to try the harder ones? Or do I hang it up and do...whatever Steve Sax ended up doing instead of baseball? Is there advice for clearing up the yippy shanks?

Random Questions from Everywhere

Random Questions from Everywhere

Yep, it's another fuck it blog post!

I’ve kind of slacked horribly on the relationship advice land questions. Ever since I quit doing the freelance columns, I’ve had a hard time giving out advice. A lot of the questions I get are kind of depressing or lack all the information so it turns into something of an email back and forth, which isn’t conducive to blog posts. In the name of keeping the blog fun, I’m going to answer a couple random, silly questions instead, even if (especially if) the question wasn’t asked in seriousness.

Have you ever “gotten” someone in your books?

Yep! Firstly, let me say this is a long standing tradition in the author world and it is entirely immature, ridiculous, and ineffective. Geoffrey Chaucer did it with Simon the Pardoner way back in the 1300s. It isn’t known precisely who the Pardoner was, or if he was entirely allegorical, which I kind of doubt, but Mr. Chaucer really let the guy have it. Nerd Girl Info: there’s a reference to this in A Knight’s Tale.

I’m certainly not alone in “getting” someone through literary satire. I’m probably not even alone in figuring out how silly the behavior is. Trying to “get” someone with a novel is a little like getting into a gun fight with a musket that takes a year or more to load while firing at someone who probably doesn’t have a gun at all and is so far away, they’re not even aware you’re shooting at them. Let me clarify that bizarre metaphor. It takes about six months to a year to publish a book. So even if a person writes very quickly, which I do, the book will still take six months to be seen by a reader. Odds are, the person being “gotten” won’t even read the work. On the off chance they do, they probably won’t recognize themselves since people are terrible judges of their own character. And even if they do read it and recognize themselves, they probably won’t care enough to even send an email to the author saying, “Hey, I read your book about that incident at a party over a year ago and it truly hurt my feelings to know you thought my pants fit so poorly!”

I'm clearly not the first person to lampoon a cop they didn't like.

To my specific incident of literary “getting” someone…I got a ticket a couple of years ago, a speeding ticket to be precise, and in my 20-year-old brain, I thought the California Highway Patrolman giving me a ticket for going 80 in a 70 zone on an entirely empty section of I-5 was an asshole thing to do. Actually, I still do, but whatever. If you’ve read TheGunfighter and The Gear-Head you’ll probably have noticed there’s a former CHP officer named Rawlins. Zeke orders him around, Gieo blackmails him, Fiona mocks him, and he eventually ends up dead. The GF&GH is a popular book, routinely in Amazon’s top 100 for lesbian fiction. The thing is, I doubt Officer Rawlins reads lesbian fiction. I actually kind of doubt Officer Rawlins even reads recreationally. So, yep, I really “got” him and he has no idea it even happened, nor would he probably care if he did know.

In hindsight (actually a little bit while I was doing it) the whole thing felt silly and a little pointless, which is why I haven’t done it since. Of course, if you get pulled over in the north Central Valley of California by a chubby, arrogant CHP officer named Rawlins, feel free to tell him he’s in a book.

Have you ever tried to start a trending topic?

Why does creating a hand gesture for something immediately make it lame?

This is a question from one of my new twitter followers who is increasingly becoming one of my favorite tweeple. Yes, and several. My history of creating hashtags:

#ShitMyGirlfriendSays: I still do this one from time to time when my girlfriend says something truly fantastic. I probably didn’t create it, but for awhile there all the activity on that hashtag floated around things I was saying and my follower list. So, while I may not have hatched that specific twitter egg, it was mine for a bit.

#TweetingThroughABadMovieOnFX: I used to live chat/tweet during movies on FX. I only picked 2 star or lower movies, only movies I’d never seen, and movies it was entirely likely FX did some truly hilarious things to while editing for television. Last fall, FX showed “Twilight” and I made the mistakes of #TweetingThroughABadMovieOnFX during it. Oh my fucking goddess, did people lose their shit over me making fun of Twilight for a solid two hours. Seriously, I had people pestering me about how wonderful and transcendent of a story Twilight is for weeks! After that, I kind of lost my taste for the whole thing, and FX has started showing better movies.

I pointed to this exact scene as creepy. Twilight fans response: "Ermahgerd isa lurve storah!"

#SexPositiveSaturday: I still think this one is a good idea that just didn’t work out. I wanted to get a bunch of relationship advice/sex advice columnists, bloggers, podcasters, etc. to start posting sex positive information and news on Saturdays with this hashtag. A few of us did for a couple weeks and then it just kinda died, probably due to my lack of focus.

 Have you ever padded out a blog post with pictures to make it look like you wrote more?

Ever get killed in a book?

And the winners are...

All during May, I ran a contest where my readers could win one of four autographed copies of The Gunfighter and The Gear-Head, and now we know who the winners are!

When I first brought the idea to my publisher, they didn't see the point. All the readers who would be entering the contest would have already purchased the book, so what was my angle? To be honest, I didn't really have a nefarious money-making motive for doing it. It sounded like a fun thing to do, and it was. So I just did it on my own out of my own pocket. I'm still not super sure what the total cost is going to end up being. I get copies of my books for the gross price since I already gave away all my freebies to friends and family, so that wasn't too expensive. What I hadn't counted on was the international readership I apparently have. It turns out, half the winners are not from the U.S.--there's a Canadian and an Australian in the mix and so I'm going to get to see what it costs to ship books internationally. To be honest, I'm more curious than anything else.

As for a reiteration of the rules and all that. There were two winners for the trivia part of the contest and two winners for the fan-art part of the contest. The trivia winners were picked simply by which two people got the highest scores, no partial credit. I was a little worried about this part when I gave both sets of trivia questions to my girlfriend before I launched the contest and she didn't do so well. Of course, this fear was immediately allayed when the first trivia entry came in the day the contest opened, and she got 100%, incidentally one of the winners. The fan-art part wasn't judged by me. I took the names off the submissions, not that my girlfriend would know who they were anyway, and let her pick her two favorites.

Now, I will post the answers to the trivia questions since they don't have any real spoilers to them anyway (If you want to try your hand at the contest, follow the link to the contest above and then check your answers to see how you would have done):

Congratulations to:

Courtney for getting a 100% on the day the contest opened

and

Mike who only missed one

Raven Ladies Trivia:

 What color is Slark blood? -- Green

 Where was Fiona Bishop born? -- Tombstone, Arizona (Remember, it's BORN, not where did she live most of her life, which would have been Los Angeles)

 What is Veronica’s real first name? -- Tanner

 What did Fiona name her horse? -- Tyra (There's a not-too-subtle joke running through the book about why)

 How many Slark heads need to be collected for a week’s worth of fuel? -- Six

 How many dirigibles did the Ravens build to attack the refineries? -- 3

 What does Fiona call her crazy moments? -- Chaos tics

 Who promises to kill Yahweh Hawkins in Fiona’s name? -- Claudia (who is the protagonist in the second book in the series The Steam-Powered Sniper in the City of Broken Bridges)

 What catalogue did Fiona model for before the Slark invasion? -- Victoria's Secret

 Why did Gieo program Ramen to lie sometimes? -- To see if she could

The other set of questions, which very few people even took a crack at, was spread across almost all my other books:

General Cassandra Duffy Literature Trivia:

Demons of Paradise:

 In “An Archeologist’s Dream” name one thing Nitocris asked Holly to bring her. -- perfume/pomegranate/panties (also gave it to someone who answered Ford Mustang, because technically that was true too)

 In “An Eternal Night of Overtime” what did Brooke want to be before she turned to the fashion industry? -- Professional surfer

 In “Answered Prayers” what scent follows Jada’s guardian angel? -- Peppermint

Astral Liaisons:

 In “The Flesh Menagerie” what do the Ice-Niners want Sonali and Claire to do? -- Procreate

 In “Of Pirates and Politicians” what letter do the Saladins resemble? -- F

 In “Escaping the Colony of Hot and Cold” the colonists of Martini are divided into two classifications, olives and…? -- Onions

The Vampires of Vigil’s Sorrow:

 Which college does Debbie want to go to? -- Barnard

 Grace’s father, Henry, served in World War II in which branch of the military? -- Navy

The Grift Girls Series:

 In “The Last Best Tip” what business do Lucy and Sasha want to start with their grifted money? -- Lesbian sports bar

 In “An Undead Grift for Christmas” Lucy, Sasha, and Lara are attacked by a gang of…? -- Department store Santa Clauses

Now for the fan-art part of the contest:

Congratulations to Felicia!

The picture can also be found on her website along with her other work.

And Bunny!

I have a theory that my girlfriend picked this picture because it very closely resembles how she sees Ramen

The whole contest thing was supposed to coincide with the release of the second book in the series, but it ended up coming out a few days early on some platforms and the contest was in my procrastinating hands, so the announcing of the winners and the release of "The Steam-Powered Sniper in the City of Broken Bridges" kinda missed each other by a little more than a week--partially my bad, partially my publisher's.

For shits and giggles, here is the cover of the 2nd book in the series (The Steam-Powered Sniper...), available now, and the third book in the series, which should be out in December (The Gunfighter's Gambit): 

Sampler Giveaway!

I was going to advertise in a newspaper, but apparently these three women are the only people who still read newspapers.

As many people know, I used to be a brand ambassador/promo model, which probably explains why I don't like working for people now. After three or so years of handing out cans of soda, fliers, directing people to enter their personal information into a computer to win a key chain, and cajoling people into taking product placement pictures (with or without me in some ridiculous costume) I picked up a few things. One of which was a revulsion for having my picture taken, especially with groups of people (bad experiences, trust me).

The glamorous world of promoting lite beer by dressing up as a slutty referee! (From how it generally went for me, I'm going to go ahead and assume the guy has placed his hands inappropriately on one or both of the women next to him)

The more useful thing I picked up from promotions was how to give stuff away. So, I'm going to give stuff away this month! Next week, during Valentine's Day, I will be holding a Vampiric Valentine's Day giveaway where you can get The Vampires of Vigil's Sorrow absolutely free (2/13-2/15). It'll be a nice read for anyone who can't find a date and wants to feel better about it since several of the relationships in it tend to be the kind that'd make you glad you were single.

This whole week, however, I'm giving away a sampler book I compiled that shows off all the fun stuff I've published over the last year. In addition, it has the first chapter of the much anticipated sequel to The Gunfighter and The Gear-Head. Yep, you'll get to read a not even released yet excerpt from the next book in the Raven Ladies series! The free sampler book promo ends this week, but even if you miss getting the book for free, you can still pick it up for 99 cents and read the first chapter of The Steam-powered Sniper in the City of Broken Bridges along with a lot of other goodies including a few complete stories and the steamiest excerpts from the Grift Girl series.

So head out and get your completely free copy of The Sapphic Pixie Sampler!

The cover of the not yet released sequel to The Gunfighter and The Gear-Head!

The Me in My Fiction

Writing isn't as easy as it looks.

I've been to a few writing conferences, taken more than a few creative writing classes, and read several books by fairly famous authors about the writing process (Stephen King's is good until he tells people how to wrap up a book quickly--do as he says, not as he's ever done), and one thing I've noticed is the wide variety of opinions on how much of yourself can go into a character before it stops being fiction and starts being a weird diary. Some authors say no more than 10% of any character can be you, some say zero for pure fiction (Bradbury for example), and other said next to nothing, but then later realized they were lying (King for example), and still other says a piece of them is in every character they ever wrote (Hemmingway). Or there's the idealized versions of self or the pessimistic versions of self people write in. Joseph Conrad told most of his stories through the voice of the man he wished he was: Charles Marlow, while Vonnegut wrote an example of himself, Kilgore Trout, if things hadn't gone well in publishing and had him run around failing at being a writer inside of Vonnegut's wildly popular novels. Stephanie Meyer all but beats us over the head with the fact that she is Bella Swan, but J.K. Rowling intimates the Harry Potter children are more like actual children for her.

Every time I hear a theory on this that I think I like, I inspect my own writing and come to the conclusion that my best material immediately contradicts what I wanted to believe was true of writing. Of course, that's probably just an irritating trait a lot of writers have with enough self-reflection and time to attempt real growth. I don't know what theory I subscribe to when it comes to 0-100% me in a character. I know I haven't gone to 100% and I'd probably be able to find at least a 1% in every character I've written. What I am interested in, after being asked what I thought about this, is why I put as much of myself into the characters that I did.

Top 5 characters I've written with the highest percentages of self:

#1 Gieo aka Stacy - Astral Liaisons / The Gunfighter and The Gear-head (story and novel) - 85-95% me.
The obvious stuff aside, being from Orange County, being socially awkward, being an outcast in high school, and being Korean (I'm part, she's full-blooded) this is the character I feel most like. Her sexual proclivities match mine in that I switch wildly from top to bottom at the drop of a hat or panties and her tastes in sexual acts almost perfectly mirrors my own. What really surprises me is how emotional I get when I write emotionally volatile scenes for Gieo. She's not a Bella Swan though as I don't envy her situation in the novel the way Stephanie clearly wants a 17-year-old vampire boy who sparkles in the sun, but I would put her as the most accurate depiction of myself in my fiction.

#2 - Dr. Holly Berri - "An Archeologist's Dream" in Demons of Paradise - 60-75% me.

I always pictured her as looking like Amy Acker

Even though the fantasy in the story isn't my own, it's actually something very sexy my girlfriend told me happened to her several times in high school short of the ending anyway, the character has a lot of my more eccentric personality traits. Holly is so professional in so many settings with this weird, kinky, spastic side right under the surface just looking for a reason for it to come out so she can do something bizarre. I think Holly actually looks forward to the end of the story when the world finally sees her for the goofy, impetuous person she really is. This mirrors me in real life--I'm far more respectable in person than I ever am online. Tweeples, Facebook friends, and blog followers get to see a side of me that is on a short-leash in real life. No secret mummy dream lovers for me to merge the two worlds though.

#3 - Clover - "Growing a New Garden" in Astral Liaisons - 60% meClover is the literary embodiment of my rebellious side. She is the freedom fighter I wish I had the courage (or capability) to be, but is completely enthralled by her lover (something I know all too well). Sexually, she has the same secret inclination to lose control, even if it means personal danger, with a desire to completely give in to pleasure in all its forms. The pollination room scene is from one of my favorite dreams of all time, but not particularly realistic outside of fiction or sleep. The vulnerability for Clover only comes into play when it comes to Nightshade and the myriad of ways she lets her lover control her sexually and emotionally. This easily manipulated position in a relationship is something I know all too well; I am the heart-on-the-sleeve girl and Clover's weakness is born of my own.

#4 - Lizette - "Of Love and Actual Demons" in Demons of Paradise - 50-55% me

Alison Haislip looks like I imagine Lizette

Lizette is actually a lot closer to my scene girl persona Lizzy Dark, which is why she made the list. She's petulant, selfish, and a little psychotic. What gives Lizette her appeal is actually her inexperience in the world and the wonder derived from learning about it. In the story, she's something of a psychopath, which I'm not (I don't think), but with a bizarre twist. Interest in small creature comforts is a huge trait Lizette and I share; I'm just not willing to go to the extents she is to get them.

#5 - Leilani - "Unimportant Important Things" in Astral Liaisons - 45% meI think Leilani more encompasses the feeling of complete awe I have around my girlfriend. Someone tall, beautiful, athletic, brilliant, talented, funny, interesting, organized, compassionate, popular, charismatic, and capable can really make everyone around them feel inept; being in a relationship with someone like that and being gone in love with them can drive a person downright crazy. This was what caught for me in this story. Of course, the resolution to this crazy feeling in the story probably isn't likely to happen in my reality, but the crazy feeling is similar. There's also just the lovely goal in life of being able to find someone to be silly with. the wavelength Leilani and Ivy are on in the story should be the goal of everyone in their love life. There's just something magical about being with someone who gets you.

According to some writers, I've gone well overboard in how much of myself I pour into my stories and according to others, I haven't gone nearly far enough. This was an interesting question about writing, and even though I'm probably not experienced enough to be an expert on the topic, I get the feeling my answer is fairly similar to the one a lot of more experienced writers would give. Frankly, I think it's unavoidable in some measure, but I also don't believe anyone can fully put themselves into a character because the vast majority of people aren't honest enough with themselves to truly put their true essence into a character without revision for the better or worse.

Being honest with you, my lovely readers, I am easy to find in the character listed above.