Naughty Poetry

This is how I write my poetry except I don't usually wear my shoes in bed unless I'm getting laid

Awhile ago, I promised a naughty poem. And then I didn't like the way it went when I first tried to write it, so I gave up and got back to writing novels, blogs, stories, and columns. I did return to the poem eventually though and it even did close to what I hoped it would. It's an English form sonnet although not Shakespearean because I didn't do iambic pentameter. Keep in mind though, I'm a novelist/columnist, and don't make any claim to be a poet. But, like most girls who spent a lot of their teenage years reading and writing angsty teenage poetry, I do still have the urge to sometimes jot down a poem. This is a lovely little sonnet about how often I've been hanging out horny at home, waiting for my girlfriend to get done with her classes so I can pounce her and tear her clothes off when she gets home. Who knew sitting at home all day writing and editing romance/erotica would have such a sexy effect on me? By the way, I wrote it on a funny page in my little inspirations poetry book if you check the prompt on the bottom. Enjoy!

Self-Discovery Through Spirit Zoology

Self-Discovery Through Spirit Zoology

or

WTF is up with Spirit Animals?

 

I was talking with my dad on the phone yesterday. He was helping me pick out which DVD to watch for MLK day. Father/daughter movie time is kind of an old tradition with us that is getting a revival now that I’m out of my hideously evil teenage years. Anyway, I was sifting through my DVDs at the same time he was sifting through his and we only found two overlaps:  Fight Club and Kill Bill Volume 1. This raised two obvious questions:  why the hell did he have either of those movies and more importantly, why the hell did I? Anyway, I let him decide since I didn’t care. He picked Fight Club to avoid the creepy father/daughter = husband/wife dynamic that was in Kill Bill.

I'm glad we didn't watch Kill Bill because I would have had to make a joke to my conservative Asian father about this scene being a thinly veiled "gang bang" motif .

Most of the movie was spent joking about the movies and being snarky. Kinda like what I do on my Tweet hashtag: #TweetingThroughABadMovieOnFX but without the tweeting, bad television censorship, and my audience was just my father instead of my twitter followers. Anyway, we got to the part of the movie where we find out Ed Norton’s spirit animal in his spirit cave is a penguin who tells him to slide. This is the weirdest part of the movie for me--even the shooting himself in the mouth to kill Brad Pitt thing made at least some sense in comparison. Seriously, what was with the ice cave, why a penguin, and what was he supposed to do with the instruction of “slide”? Disclaimer for any Fight Club Fanboys who have stumbled across this blog, these are rhetorical questions of course; I don’t really care what interpretations you came up with unless it’s something really crazy and really out there, in which case go ahead and post it in the comments section.

This sparked a whole discussion of what spirit animals we thought people had. My mother, we agreed upon as being a tigress, my sister is a bird of some kind (he said peacock, I said goose), and then we came to me. Without hesitation or any time to think, he answered, “rattlesnake” as though he’d been waiting his whole life to tell me what my spirit animal was, needing only to be asked at long last.

Let me tell you a little something about my relationship with my father and I’m sure this will make a lot of sense to my readers since many of you probably have similar relationships with your respective fathers. I’m the younger of two daughters, I’m tiny and adorable still and in his mind I’m sure I’m still five or six when I was even tinier and even more adorable, I’m the fuzzy-freaking-pink King Kong of daddy’s girls damnit! He’s not supposed to call me a rattlesnake!

Are you seeing this picture I threw together? Fucking computers, man--you an think something and then make a visual for it just like that. Clearly I have too much time on my hands though.

 

By the way, I thought my spirit animal was a house cat in a spirit cave that looked a lot like a library but with comfy chairs everywhere to nap on.

 

I believe I told him his spirit animal was one of those monkeys that gets wasted-drunk on abandoned, partially finished umbrella drinks at tropical resorts. And now you can't claim you've never heard of this phenomenon because I'm betting you clicked the video first. We ended up skipping the rest of the movie when I told him I had to take care of some things. I called him back today to apologize for taking his comment so obviously wrong, and give him a chance to agree with my house cat theory, but he was pretty set on me being a rattlesnake. He had explanations, and with a little distance from the initial shock of my father calling his beloved little girl a rattlesnake, I was able to see what he meant about me being something of a loner, a little prickly at times, loving to lay out in the sun, not dealing well with cold weather, and having a vicious bite that people do get ample warning for but don’t always heed. He also told me again about Southern California and what it looked like before it was settled. Apparently my beloved native Orange County was actually just a rattlesnake-filled desert before man changed it. He said he always believed I was one of those snakes who so loved the area that I reincarnated there again and again until I reached the SoCal girl I am (we’re Buddhist from a long line of Buddhists, so talk of reincarnation isn’t just a flight of fancy with us, and before you go getting all judgmental about it, think about your ownreligions eccentricities from my point of view).

I felt a little better about the whole thing after that.

This whole thing made me wonder how many people are rolling happily through life with absolutely no idea how the people they love really see them. It was shocking to me that the way I saw myself and the way my father saw me were so ridiculously different. The thing is, I may have even known on some level this was true to a hyper specific degree.

“She’s a rattlesnake, isn’t she?” Gieo leaned over, wrapped an arm around Fiona’s shoulder, and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

That’s a line from The Gunfighter and The Gear-Head. I wrote it a year ago. Now, I’ve always more identified with Gieo than Fiona, but there must be some part of myself in all my protagonists, and it made me wonder if maybe I didn’t think of myself as a rattlesnake long before my father told me he thought I was one.

They're kinda pretty in a certain way and look, this one is doing yoga just like me!

 

So I’m going to encourage everyone to write down what they think their spirit animal is, and then go find someone who knows and loves you and ask them what they think you are. If you have a really cool one, post what you thought and what your loved one said in the comment section. It was pretty thrilling to find out that my father thinks of me as more dangerous than I think of myself.

A Question of Masturbating in a Relationship

After a nice long break from the world of blogging during my time back in California for Christmas, I’m ready to get back into the sex/relationship advice thing and I’ve got a great question from a Twitter follower that I’ve talked to in the past. It seems previous discussions have led to a relationship and now she’s finding new and interesting challenges.

Hello Sapphic Pixie. I corresponded with you on Twitter back on the summer briefly regarding an NSA relationship that was turning into a bit more. The sex was great and we continued on a sex-only basis for a couple of months.

I am butch and she is femme. I was sleeping with six women when I hooked up with her on a dating sight and was newer to town here. My sex drive is insatiable. I am 40 years old and could have sex four times or more a day if given the opportunity.

We are in love with each other now, and in a committed relationship. We both work at home, and I would take her at a moments notice and lay her down and fuck her at any time throughout the day if I could. That is just not possible, and I know that.  She of course is much more level- headed than I am because, even though she is very sexual and very sexually active with me, I am way over the top... And I realize this!

The problem here with my drive is that I am having thoughts of how I was having sex with many women when I met her--when I was getting off with several women because it was satisfying my sexual needs. But I am worried because with these thoughts of what I was doing before I met my love, comes fleeting thoughts of stepping out on her. That scares the hell out of me! I am, and always have been a faithful partner.

I masturbate sometimes several times a day; she knows that and is usually here when I do. I hate to do that with her here, because it’s hard for me to cum with her in the house, because I'm thinking it could be a woman or her rather than me doing it to myself, and I feel deprived. She doesn't mind that I do, and even encourages me to do so because she knows of my drive and of my fears of stepping out.

I don't know what to do. I love this woman and the sex is a big part of our relationship and how we met initially. Can you help me figure this out?

Let’s handout the easy, universal relationship stuff first since there is some in here to deal with. You mentioned not liking to masturbate while she’s home even though she says it’s okay because you’re having somewhat “unfaithful” thoughts in reference to self-pleasure. This is something you’re going to need to start getting over. You’ve got two things working in your favor here: 1-she’s cool with it and 2-thinking about other people while you get yourself off is COMPLETELY normal and in fact a relationship necessity. This is no doubt a hurdle for you because you’re probably not used to having this much shared intimacy with someone…yes, what you’re experiencing now is intimacy; what you were experiencing with the six or so women you were sleeping with before your relationship was just sex. There is a huge difference between the two.

And that’s probably where the real adjustment for you is going to have to come in. You’re not used to intimacy--you’re used to fucking. Everyone makes trade offs for relationships. Intimacy comes with a price. But it also comes with some pretty fantastic rewards. Is she ever going to sexually satisfy you in the way six women can? Of course not and it’s ridiculous to think any woman could! But that’s not what she’s offering you. She’s offering you some sex, by the sounds of it a reasonable amount, that comes with an emotionally fulfilling aspect. She’s also offering you companionship, support, love, real closeness, and even some latitude to take care of your biological desires on your own as they arise. Let me make this clear:  this is a good woman offering you a good deal. Do not make the mistake of thinking you’d be better off stepping out on her with six girls because you’ve got an itch you know you’re able to scratch yourself (with help form her).

Take a second to figure out this picture and how hot it is.

Sex drives don’t match up perfectly. Your chances of finding a girlfriend who is everything you’re looking for, as this woman clearly is, with a sex drive to equal yours…you may as well start playing the lottery because you’ve got a better chance of winning that than finding that kind of woman. Adjust your expectations of what is possible. You say you love her, you say she’s special, you say she does her best to satisfy you sexually and then let’s you help yourself when she can’t--that’s a fantastic deal!

Let me address the high sex drive thing though because that’s an issue women don’t really get to talk a lot about because we’re allegedly not supposed to have high sex drives without also picking up bullshit labels like “nympho” or “slut” or whatever the hell double standard nonsense the patriarchal hegemony is trying to put on us to make us feel ashamed for acting right and normal. Having a high sex drive is a blessing, believe me, but it only turns into a curse when you go thinking sex is the best you can do when it comes to another person. You think about other people when you touch yourself and worry that it’ll lead to stepping out? Let that worrying keep you at home and you go ahead and think of whoever you want when you’re having your private time with yourself.

This is Molly Cavalli. She occupies a huge place in my fantasy/masturbation for obvious reasons.

My girlfriend and I have a very healthy sex life, but she’s been a lot busier lately with her graduate degree program and other job stuff, so I end up spending a lot of time alone and a lot of time masturbating when I’d probably rather have sex. The thing is, I know that there’s nothing out there sex-wise that’s going to be worth risking my relationship for. The two things simply aren’t equal. Six fuck buddies will NEVER be as good as one good girlfriend at home. So, yep, I masturbate to keep myself happy because it’s what reasonable, rational people do when they’ve got extra desire and drive left over. And you know what, I think about a whole slew of things that aren’t my girlfriend. Because that time is me time and it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to have your imagination and best vibrator satisfy desires that might otherwise have you chasing girls and ruining your relationship. For fuck’s sake, that’s what porn is for! That’s why I write erotica! So people who need some masturbation material can take care of themselves without expecting their partner to satisfy their every need. Find what turns you on, think of whoever you want, and go to town knowing you have her blessing to keep it at home.

This is Jelena Jensen who works for Girlfriends Films sometimes...also obvious why she spends time in my fantasies.

Take a step back, and this goes for all the ladies in relationships, and realize that your partner can’t satisfy every urge/need/desire you have. It’s simply not possible for one person to handle absolutely everything for you. You’re still going to need friends for companionship, family for added unconditional love, pets for nurturing possibilities, and in the case of sex, you’re going to need plenty of fantasy material, a good vibrator (which you can find by using my guide here and graduate to advanced usage with my guide here), and your own two hands. Getting a girlfriend doesn’t mean your every need will suddenly be taken care of by her. You’re still going to have to masturbate sometimes, but isn't that a good thing too? I mean, the fun you can have in your head can include women you haven't even met doing things you may not actually be capable of if it's all in fantasy land.