Question of Age and Dating

Can I have the coffee too?

 
I'm going to field another relationship advice question I received lately that I thought was interesting:

"My age always seems to be an issue and I can't help that I like older women.  My current problem I have met a very interesting woman and I find myself very interested in her both physically and mentally.  I am 32 and she is 44, it's not that big of difference to me.  If I had met her in person I would have gone for it, since I met her online she is scared of my age and that I would never leave where I am at to be with her.  Are lesbian women just used to no one making an effort? What happened to taking a chance? I thought everything was going great in our conversations and I have already lost her for those reasons.  Am I wrong to feel like my age should be an issue, I haven't even met her yet and I have already scared her off, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to lie about my age so that the women I am attracted to will give me a chance?"

This is such a strange problem that the breeders seem to have figured out before us. The whole cougar/cub dynamic that straight people are already enjoying doesn't seem to have translated to the lesbian community yet, which really does suck. If you were a straight male, it would not only be okay for you to seek out older women, there would be bars and websites all over the place that would cater to you doing exactly that (does straight male cougar privilege exist?). So let me start with the last part of your question first:  there is nothing wrong with you liking cougars and your age absolutely shouldn't be an issue.

This is so mainstream it has made its way to mainstream porn

From the other woman's point of view, I really don't follow her thinking. When I get older, if I'm not still with my current girlfriend and I sincerely hope I am, I'd be thrilled if I had younger women chasing me around; yep, I'm shallow enough to know that would help my self-esteem a great deal. What I think has happened here is you're ahead of the dating curve and now you'll have to wait for the rest of the lesbian community to catch up to you.

Here's how you deal with the current woman problem and future women problem should this arise again. You need to flatter the age difference until she feels as special as straight cubs make straight cougars feel. Don't participate in her dynamic of the age difference being a problem, set your own paradigm by saying how hot and awesome it is that you have this age difference. Straight cougars view their cougar status as a badge of honor--they are attractive and sexual when society has told them women should stop being attractive and sexual. You need to do your best to convince this special lady, and any future special lesbian cougars, to adopt this mentality:  she is so sexy at 44 that younger women can and should flock to her.

Should things not work with this particular lady, I would recommend you frame all future cougar hunting relationships in the same positive light before they can ever get down on themselves about their age. Explain how hot you think it is, how much you enjoy their rejection of the patriarchal societal norms that say they should vanish from sight by remaining sexually interested/interesting, and how big of a fan you are of strong cougars. There's something very sexy about older women (btw I was something of a cougar hunter myself at the very young age of 18) when you consider their life experience, their classiness, and their worldliness. Flatter her with these points, and if you need help, seek out straight male cubs for advice on how to pursue cougars; they have resources galore when it comes to cougar hunting since they've been doing it for so much longer.

This is literally old news (and kind of dopey news on the left here) in the straight community

I don't think it's a matter of lesbians not making an effort; I think it's a matter of the lesbian community lagging behind the straight community in certain dating acceptance norms.