How Sex Isn't the Only Form of Infidelity in Relationships These Days (the funny version)

How Sex Isn't the Only Form of Infidelity in Relationships These Days 

(the funny version)

Another blog elsewhere has a post with nearly the same title talking about time infidelity being a problem in modern culture, which is true, but it wasn't as tongue in cheek as it might have been and time infidelity isn't the only kind beyond sexual facing couples in the information age.

Breaking News - Your significant other, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, accomplice in the crime called life finds out that they are the newly appointed Czar of Awesome and the first person they call...better fucking be you! Their mom, their bestie, their dog, their third grade teacher can fall into whatever order as long as they all come after YOU. None of those other people will have nearly the investment in the success or failure of whatever the big news is. Maybe the second call too, several seconds later, to share the news again and see if it still thrills.

Have you seen...? - It's the Game of Thrones song, it's time for the Game of Thrones show...those are the words I made up to go with the Game of Thrones opening sequence. Go ahead, sing them along, they fit pretty well. You're at home while your significant other is away being the Czar of Awesome, and you've DVRed Game of Thrones or some equally significant piece of pop culture. Sure you always watch it together and then talk about it, drink wine maybe, comment on how great it would be to own dragons until they ate a kid or something. They'd want you to watch it without them, right? WRONG! You've just cheated on your spouse with your DVR. When you realize this, you can either pretend like you didn't watch it and watch it again with them, but they'll see the "restart from beginning" or "resume playing" option since you know you didn't watch all the credits. Then the red wedding happens and you don't blink--they know you cheated because what sort of psycho doesn't drop a tear at that. Or you'll be on Google, desperately asking "how do I make my DVR look like I didn't watch something?" Go ahead, Google it now, cheater, it won't help you. Or you go full nuclear option, by accident or intentionally, and delete the episode and pretend like it didn't record. But your DVR knows what you did.

Binged and Splurged - Netflix, HBO Go, Showtime on Demand, Hulu, Amazon TV, whatever Starz is doing these days all allow you to race through a show like you've got nothing to do and a comfy couch, which is exactly your situation so the show you promised to watch together, you watched on Sunday, all of it, three season, by yourself...woops. Netflix is a sexy mistress, just like your DVR, and she knows you're going to watch the next episode even if you're not sure yet. She'll even count it down: next episode starts in 19, 18, 17, you naughty thing you. Don't Trust the B and Better Off Ted didn't last long for me, but I came clean, I swear! ...after I was almost done with season 2...of both. Not my fault, they were canceled too soon. If there were more seasons...I probably would have binged those too. Or, again, you can try to lie, watch and pretend like you don't know what's going to happen. Your significant other doesn't know the difference between your real laugh and a fake laugh, right? Guess you'll find out after your Neflix adultery.

Do we have any more...? - What are the rules for the last delicious whatever in the kitchen when it comes to you and your significant other? My wife and I do a dance, an avoi-dance if you will, where we both try to out polite each other in insisting the other person takes the last Oreo or shandy or whatever incredible thing we only have one left of even though we secretly both want to swipe it and run away laughing at the amazinginess we will enjoy all by ourselves. But what if your significant other isn't looking and doesn't know there's only one left? What if you just pop it in your mouth, turn quickly and walk to a private corner of the house to chew, savor, and make mmmmmmm noises? Surely that's not cheating, right? You wouldn't cheat with food, would you? Even though food is sexy sometimes, tasty, doesn't judge, and...of course you'd cheat with food! Food is fucking amazing! You'd cheat with food, walk back into the room with Oreo crumbs still in your teeth and tell your partner, "No, I think you finished those last night."

Can't even tell...from behind.

Nooooo...you're good - But she's not good, is she? She's got kale in her teeth and that shirt is horrible and really, crocs? Is she going to work in a kitchen later? But you're already late and it'd be awkward, and you just want to get going already. Noooooo...you're good, let's go. We trust our partners to have our backs when it comes to not looking like dumb asses. Your significant other can brush stuff off your face without being socially unacceptable about it (try it with strangers, it isn't appreciated). And they can also gently remind you harem pants and a cowl neck sweater wasn't even that good of an idea when it was a thing other people were doing. But if you don't tell them, if you let them walk out into the world of judging eyes and acute fashion senses, you leave them open to typically silent ridicule and disgust from people who aren't in a position to tell them they still have the better part of a salad flapping between their incisors.

Under the bus you go - There are a lot of ways you can throw your partner under the bus. Last Halloween you were going to go as Batman and Robin. Weird. Okay, but whatever. She went along with it. Then you change your mind and show up to the party dressed as a classy spy, and she's there dressed as boy wonder, which wasn't going to make a whole lot of sense in the first place, but makes NO sense without Batman. Glad she looks good in those short shorts.

You realized:  Oh, yeah, Batman has muscles and I don't

Or you don't want to go to Janice's thing on Saturday. It's going to be boring and Todd will be there. Fucking Todd with his jokes about digital cameras that nobody gets. So your partner has cramps. Those mega cramps from the worst day and heavy flow. Or she's got a thing, and you'd totally like to bail on her boring thing, but you're in a relationship. What can you do but follow your significant other to whatever lame-o thing she's got on Saturday. Sorry, Janice, you know how it is with those art/music/funeral/etc things.

Then you share, or over share maybe, an embarrassing moment. But not YOUR embarrassing moment, that'd suck. You share HER embarrassing moment. You were kayaking on vacation in Hawaii, she started getting sea sick, and you turn around just in time to see her feed the fishes with that morning's breakfast. People on the beach gasp, a few kids sprint out of the water, and since it was kind of a small resort, she's known as the chunk blowing kayaker for the rest of the vacation by everyone you see. It was funny when you two were reminiscing about it last night while looking through pictures, just the two of you, so why not share the story at the art/music/funeral/etc? Because your significant other doesn't belong under a bus, that's why.

At the heart of infidelity is a breach of trust. Trust in a modern relationship covers a lot of ground. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out a way to hide the fact that I accidentally (on purpose) lost my wife's horrible old running shoes in the neighbor's garbage can.

Relationship Parable

This column ran last spring in a few places, but I kind of lost track of it since it ran during my transition from part time columnist to full time novelist. The timeline stuff was accurate in spring when I wrote the column and this was supposed to be the first part of a several part series on relationship parables, which I might still end up writing to post here.

Enjoy!

Not the moving service we used, but close enough.

In case you’ve noticed the absence of a column from me in awhile (or a blog post for that matter), let me tell you a little story about relationships…

I’ve been living with my girlfriend for a couple years now. About eight months ago, I relocated with her from Orange County California to Orange County Florida. Anyone who has tried to move somewhere with someone, you know that aside from the primary function of relocating all your things, moving also seems designed to causes stress, fights, and costs a ton of money. Since my girlfriend and I are both very thrifty women, the costs only added to the stress and fights.

We survived the cross country move but then, at the beginning of March, we moved across town from an apartment to a house, which caused one of the rarest and most intense kind of fights a couple can have, the dreaded:  we’re moving out, so we don’t have to worry about our neighbors hearing our argument. In an empty apartment, we had a proper screaming at each other match. That’s not entirely accurate, technically, she was screaming at me, and I was intentionally getting under her skin in a much quieter way. From the outside, it probably sounded like she was screaming me silly without response, but let me say, I am a master of messing with people without seeming like I’m messing with people. If I ever had an argument with myself, I would probably end up slapping the hell out of me. To my girlfriend’s credit, she only yelled.

Ah, traditional marriage.

We’ve been together for several years, known each other even longer, and we’ve never had a fight like this. More specifically, she’s never had the out of control reaction she had, and it scared the hell out of her that she was able to get so angry. The combination of stress from moving, the huge amount of money we were spending, and her need to take on absolutely every responsibility she can get a hold of, finally caught up with her, and then I started needling her with bitchy comments because I’d felt like she hadn’t listened to me enough that day. I totally earned the screaming at, and I told her so, but that didn’t make her feel better since she was a little freaked out about the rage reaction.

As women, we’re socialized to internalize our anger. We’d rather take stuff out on ourselves than externalize it onto the people who probably caused the anger. In the rare occasion when we do externalize our feelings, it is usually accompanied by a lot of guilt and shame. I have no doubt in my mind that if I was straight, and I managed to get my boyfriend that angry, he would have punched a hole in the wall of the apartment we were leaving and we would have lost our deposit; yay for being a lesbian! We all have those emotions at those intensities in us. It’s a human thing, not a gender thing. So, while it freaked her out because she was still thinking in the socialized terms that women aren’t supposed to have that kind of anger and we certainly aren’t supposed to show it, I wasn’t surprised, shocked, or appalled to learn my girlfriend was an emotionally vivid human being. Having anger is normal, expressing anger is healthy, internalizing anger because that’s what you’ve been socialized to do is damaging.

The intemperate sex indeed.

The relationship moral to this story is two fold:

-           Firstly, and most obviously, understand that moving with your girlfriend/wife/partner/whatever-nomenclature-you-prefer is mind bogglingly stressful. Give each other a break, learn to take breaks from each other, and accept that arguments are almost certainly going to arise no matter how much you love each other.

-           Secondly, and perhaps not so obviously, outward expressions of “unsavory” feelings like anger, jealousy, contempt, etc. shouldn’t be looked down upon. I put unsavory in quotes because there aren’t “bad” and “good” emotions, only “preferred” and “not preferred” emotions; calling these emotions bad is where the guilt and shame over feeling them comes from. Anger isn’t a bad emotion and so expressing it doesn’t make you a bad person. Trying to destroy or suppress a perfectlyhuman emotion like anger is what’s actually bad for you. Within a relationship you don’t just have to understand your connection to these supposedly negative feelings. You have to understand your partner’s relationship to the feelings both in how they experience them and how you express them to your partner. Knowing Nikki had that kind of anger in her didn’t scare me, didn’t make me rethink the relationship, or think less of her; it let me know she was human with a very human need to express her anger sometimes. The really scary thing would be if she never showed me anything but a happy face.

Happy endings involve sunsets and rainbow flags.

Love in India and Not-Really-Roommates

I'm very quickly going to catch up on a couple of questions I received via email, one of which I've been putting off forever, and I'm truly sorry about that. I have excuses though! Possibly even good excuses! Sadly, most of what I could come up with by way of excuses could also just be called living life as a writer/girlfriend/cat owner/human being, which is to say, they're not particularly vindicating.

"Hi Cass,
 I came across ur question answer round in d lesbian dating site. I found ur answer and suggestions to the point and very practical. Cass if u cud do me a favour. M actually in a dilemma and I don't see thngs moving ahead.
M a 26 year old woman from India. I was in a relationship with a guy for few years and honestly I always felt sumthng missing. The relationship wasn't going healthy therefore we broke up for good.. It took me a long tym to get over him. In a years tym, I met this amazing woman. She is a butch lesbian and is open about it. We used to communicate over the phone and met few tyms. Now the thing is I wasnt ready for anythn more than frenship at that tym, however I did have feelings for her. The two months that we were together were the most amazing thing that happened to me. One day we met and thngs went beyond just friends.
Now the problem is soon after that she wanted to get into a relationship but I ws not ready to confront the society. She had issues and she left me. Its been a year now and m stil waitn for her. I have had lots of proposals from guys but I just can't thnk bout anyone else but her. Please help me out. How do I win her back."

This last letter was typed out on a Blackberry--being an owner of that kind of phone, I'm completely sympathetic in how difficult it is to type out a whole email on one of them. Let's all be understanding of the writer of the email for the errors and let's also be understanding of me that I didn't go through and smooth it over since I've recently been blinded by proof copies (not literally, but you get the idea).

Dear India Reader:

What you describe in the first part of your email is fairly typical of non-gold star lesbians. For those of you not familiar with the nomenclature, a gold star is a lesbian who has never been with a man (I'm one but my girlfriend isn't). For women who come to the realization they might be a lesbian after a few awkward relationships with men, it can be kind of disorienting, especially if you live in highly traditional area like India or Alabama.

What happened between you and this lovely woman you fell for is also fairly common. This is good news for you, but I'll explain that in a second. It's incredibly common for a first relationship (or even one a bit down the road) to fail because one person is out to society about being a lesbian and the other isn't. We call it being "in the closet" but I'm not sure if that saying is universal enough to be true in India. You were in the closet, she wasn't, you weren't ready to come out yet, and things fell apart. This is a story as old as Sappho.

This is where the good news comes in. Since it is an old story, and it's happened to people all over, it might be something this woman has experienced before. Breaking up with someone because you're ready to live life as an affirmed lesbian and they aren't is tough, but sometimes, like in this case, a second chance comes along with someone who wasn't ready before, but they're ready now.

You may not be able to get her back. She may have moved on to someone else by now. If that's the case, you need to let her go. But there's good news in this too. Lesbians date, break up, and then become fantastic friends that may end up back together someday or just remain lifelong friends. That's pretty much the glue holding together the lesbian community. So if she's moved on to someone else, make it clear that you'd really like to be her friend and she'll probably accept. At that point, you'll be off and running to meeting other lesbians within the community, since she'll probably be able to introduce you around. You need and want to be part of this group as a new lesbian.

If she's single still, your best bet is to simply tell her you weren't ready then, but you're ready now and she is who you want to be with. Explain you were afraid before, you weren't sure, but you've had time to think and become sure, and you know now that you want her and you are ready to come out to the world. She might have some stipulations about how "out" you need to be to be with her. Consider them carefully, but I would suggest keeping an open mind about accepting them. They might sound tough or scary, but ultimately you'll be a happier person after coming out and you'll strengthen the trust of the relationship by proving to her that you are ready.The next letter is super short and super sweet, but has a HUGE issue behind it. I love those tiny questions that have huge answers.

"How do I come out and tell my family that my roommate of 43 yrs is really my partner?"

See what I mean about it being a small question but requiring a lot of answering?

Dear Not-Really-Roommates


Odds are, if you've been living together with this woman for 43 years, your family will have their suspicions unless you've been a master at hiding it, and even then... When I came out to my family, they kind of had a "finally, she figured it out" response. You may find that this is the case with your family as well. They might be simply being polite enough to wait for you to say. If this is the case, then you're generally not doing anything but clearing the air.

If this isn't the case, and it might not be, then you've got some more work to do. First and foremost, let me congratulate you on having a 43 year monogamous relationship. Well-fucking-done! For those of you who aren't aware, I've quit the last of my dating website/magazine jobs and I'm doing all my advice through my blog/twitter now, which means I can swear in my responses again. That's a huge relief to me since I'm no damn good at watching my mouth.

Your tactic in this should be divide and conquer and here's how:
Step 1:  Make a list of all the people you want/need to come out to in your family.
Step 2:  Pick the people on this list who are most likely to respond well to the news. Odds are, these will also be the people you're closest to.
Step 3: Come out to the likely allies first, doing it individually of course, and bringing your partner along for the ride. Tell them you love them, that you've been living like this for a long time, and it doesn't have to change anything about your relationship with them, but that you wanted them to know since families who love each other shouldn't keep secrets.
Step 4:  Find the people on your list that you don't think will react well at all and decide whether or not you even need to come out to those people. My grandmother on my father's side is extremely traditional Korean, living in Korea. I'm not out to her and I never plan to be. She lives on the other side of the world from me, she'd never accept it, and so I'm planning on running out the clock and letting her go to the grave without ever having to freak out about her favorite granddaughter being a lesbian (my sister thinks she's the favorite because she gave grandma a great-grandchild, but that's just silliness). Odds are, there are some family members on your list that you can just say, "To hell with telling that person."
Step 5: Use the allies you've come out to already who reacted well to it so far to help and support you in coming out to the other, trickier members of your family. If Cousin Joe sees that you have three or four other family members with you that already know and are fine with it when you tell him, he's far less likely to make a scene about it. Do this part one at a time. A person can be reasonable and open-minded on their own, but when it becomes PEOPLE things start getting iffy as to how tolerant they're going to be.
Step 6: Be ready for it to not work out 100%. There might well be people in your family who aren't going to be cool with it no matter how well you approach this. With them, all you can really do is say that you're sorry they aren't willing to accept your relationship of 43 years (holy freaking crap that's incredible!) and that you hope they'll reconsider some day. And then you have to let them go until they get over their bigotry. Sadly, they might never, but that's not on you--it's on them. You don't have to live your life as an apology to bigots, even if those bigots are blood relatives.

I'm hopeful that this will go well and that your family is already probably in the know about what's been going on and simply waited for you to admit it to them. Regardless, I'd love a follow up email or comment to let me know how it went. Regardless of their reaction, you've got me on your side.

Furry Friends

 Furry Friends…No, the Other Kind

Did everyone get a little thrill from the double entendre (triple if you’ve heard about the animal costume fetish)? Sadly, I won’t be talking about bush confidence, thank you L-Word for taking that phrase mainstream, in this column. Not because bush confidence isn’t important and not because it can’t influence relationships, but because I already made a furry joke and now I should follow through with the animal advice. I'll just have to talk vagina-scaping later. This article is all about pets, and you’ll just have to look for a vagina-scaping article at some later point. A recent letter I received from a lovely woman having trouble finding a girlfriend because of her extreme asthma reaction to animal dander, wanted to know what she could do, and it got me thinking since that is really a pretty big problem if someone wants to date in the lesbian community. After answering the questionto the best of my ability I decided I needed to write a more comprehensive, “for everyone” pet guide to dating.

If you're not into reading the whole blog, just buy a lizard and skip to the end.

 

Most lesbians tend to be pet owners. There are probably statistics somewhere to back this up, and I’m sure you can find them on your own, but can we all anecdotally admit that when you get two women together in a couple, you’re more likely to end up with fuzzy critters in the relationship too (again with the double entendres, what is my deal?). The problem is:  most is not all. And even if it were, not all pets are equally liked by all women and not all concentrations of pets are equally appreciated. This is important stuff to figure out since well-loved pets will last you between 10-20 years, which is probably longer than the vast majority of your girlfriends lasted. For example, I’ve had my cat, Josephine, for nine years, and I’ve been with my girlfriend, Nikki, for almost four now. Thankfully, the two get along reasonably well, although that wasn’t always the case.

Again, if you're going with a bird (and probably a deaf girlfriend), go ahead and skip to the end.

When my girlfriend and I first moved in together, she had a cat already too, a giant Maine Coon named Dragon (yes, like in The Secret of Nihm—see why I love this woman?). Dragon is a giant love sponge who immediately adored me and my Siamese kitty. Josephine, however, did not care for Dragon or Nikki being in her house. She chased Dragon, which was a little surprising and kind of comical considering Josie weighs maybe 9 pounds and doesn’t have her front claws anymore, and Dragon weighs 15ish pounds and has claws like a small bear. Josephine also started biting Nikki, which is a big time no-no since cat bites have a nasty habit of becoming extremely infected. Dragon freaked out about being chased all the time and began marking and vomiting, which started pissing me off since they moved into my place, which to that point Josephine and I had kept immaculately free of pet accidents. Now this whole conflict within a relationship arose between two cat people with reasonable kitty expectations. Imagine if you’re a dog person with four Rottweilers trying to date a cat person who just adopted an all too edible Persian kitten?

Or two giant, long hair dogs and a whole flock of chickens.

Step 1 – disclosure:  your first date must include a conversation about what critters share your life. Ideally, this might take place even sooner. Pets can be deal breakers for some people, like the woman mentioned earlier who has extreme medical reactions to animals. Talk about type, talk about breed, talk about temperament, talk about the length you’ve had your pet friend and make sure you ask questions for all their corresponding information. Trust me, getting a lesbian to talk about her cats or dogs is really easy and also a fantastic way to build rapport with them, so it should be something you’re doing anyway to be charming. If you start seeing conflicts, like one person has seven bounding chocolate labs and the other person is deathly afraid of being licked to death by a pack of hounds, you might have identified a future problem.

Step 2 – be open minded:  as I’ve said a million times, we’re a minority within a minority within a minority…we can’t just throw away potential girlfriends with the expectations that perfection is plentiful out there. You might have to make some compromises on a few things, and pets are probably one of them. Listen, I get that people don’t always like cats or dogs, I really do, big dogs scare the holy hell out of me. I’m a petite lady, so many breeds actually weigh more than me. I’ve got a friend with a Rhodesian Ridgeback / White Lab mix that weighs half again as much as I do (150ish lbs), and routinely knocks me over purely by accident (one sudden turn and I’m knocked flat by a dog butt because he saw a squirrel to his right). But when I was single, I couldn’t rule out women who owned large dogs simply for owning large dogs. I dated a girl with a perfectly lovely German Shepherd and I loved that dog—far more than I liked her as it turns out, but the point remains, I had to get past my thing about big dogs and take each animal on a case by case basis. If you’re not a cat person, give that girl’s individual cat a chance; they might surprise you.

Step 3 – don’t be insane:  this is really just good advice for pet owners in general. If you have three poorly trained, poorly behaved, and messy dogs living with you in a studio apartment, you’re going to have a hard time attracting women willing to brave the oversized kennel to sleep over—she isn’t the strange one for saying no in this scenario. Any time you need more than one hand to list your cats, you’re probably going to start scaring off women. Volume of pets isn’t the only way to be crazy though—yes, that’s right ladies, we need to recognize our intensity issues with our pets. You can love your pets, it’s what they’re there for, but if all your pictures are of your pets and every conversation starts with, “Hey, guess what my dog did this morning!” you need to take a step back and realize you’re probably:  A. boring people to tears and B. scaring the crap out of them. Chill with this stuff, ladies; it’s like kids—they’re only that cute to you because they’re yours so your pet talk shouldn’t dominate the conversation on a date unless you’re planning on dating your pet (and please don’t do that).

 

Step 4 – be a good pet owner:  sadly so many people don’t have the faintest clue they’re bad pet owners. They have that whole Dog Whisperer show with an endless supply of bad dog owners who need Caesar Milan to tell them how to own a dog because this is a rampant problem. Cat owners are no better since cats are even harder to train and most of them are supposed to go to the bathroom inside. If you’re dating someone, you really need to take a far more critical eye at what your pet is doing and what state your pet has left your place in. You need to understand that we get used to things with our pets. I don’t even know how much tan fur I have eaten or breathed in over the years, but it’s probably enough to create a whole other cat. Josephine sheds year-round, it’s all super fine and short so the ceiling fans aerosolize it like weapon’s grade anthrax and suddenly surfaces she’s never even been on have cat fur on them. But I’m aware of this, and I’m also so used to plucking cat fur off my clothes, car keys, coffee mug, computer, showerhead, etc. that I don’t even think of it as irritating anymore. The problem is, if you bring a girl back to your place, who has no relationship with your pet yet and hasn’t lived in the vicinity of your specific animal’s fur, she will notice it, so clean with an eye to that, and for goodness sake, make sure your animal has the basics of polite behavior down before you introduce it to people. AND clean up after your dogs when you take them for a walk—that’s gross to just leave it in the park or on someone’s front lawn…that’s not dating advice, it’s just worthwhile person advice, although I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t scoop.

It seems like if he knew how to operate a scooper, he should know how to use a toilet.

It took a long time for me to train Josephine to not bite my girlfriend, it took an equally long time for our cats to start getting along well enough that Dragon isn’t marking, but we stuck with it. Of course, it involved me climbing a lemon tree to get Dragon when she got her collar caught on a branch and I ended up cut to ribbons since it turns out certain lemon trees have thorns; it also involved Nikki practically climbing up into chimney at my parent's house to get Josephine out when she decided to chase after a bird that flew down the top, which I couldn’t have done because I’m crazy claustrophobic. Bringing together your pets and the women you’re dating can be a complex and difficult process, but you can smooth the process by disclosing, being open minded, avoiding the craziness, and being a responsible pet owner.

Late in Life Lesbian

I'm going to run a question and answer bit of relationship advice I gave at my day job over at TangoWire.com's network of dating sites. I thought it was an interesting question about age and dating with some important side information about butch/femme dynamics. Enjoy!

Dear Cass:

I have been on the site for about four months and have been talking to three ladies that I feel may lead to a friendship or long term relationship, although I have not met any of them in person yet. I am just coming out at 49. I am a femme and always been attracted to butch women. I never thought that I was a lesbian because when I see women walking on the streets I do not have any attraction to them. Only butch women turn me on, and I did not know about butch/femme relationships.

So the first lady I am talking to I would say I have the closet connection because we have been talking the longest. She is a soft butch and has been one since she was a teenager. We have share very private things with each other and I do feel close to her. She is in a nursing home recovering from a stroke so this is why we have not met in person. I told her that I was just coming out because I want to be honest, but I don't know if I should have told her or just kept it to myself. I am a little attracted to her but she is a little smaller than me and again a soft butch. We have talked on the phone, but more of our talking has been though emails because her voice was affected by the stroke and sometimes I find it hard to understand what she is saying even though I do wish we could talk a little more on the phone. She was supposed to get out of the nursing home last week but couldn’t because the apartment she was to live in doesn’t have bars in the bathroom so the nursing home would not release her. Since last week she has not been talking to me as much and I feel distanced from her. I sent her an email and she said she was still interested. We have been talking for almost four months.

The second lady lives in Atlanta and is planning on moving back to NYC where she use to live and where I live now. She is a stud and very tall. I find that I am very attracted to her, but I don't feel that close to her yet as we have only been talking for 2 months. We only talk on the phone but I wish I could email her too because sometimes it is easier for me to express my feeling when I write. She said that she is going to move back in March 2012 and we can start dating.

The last lady I have been talking to for a month and she is a butch, wears only men’s clothes, and I am very attracted to her. She lives only 30 minutes from me and she asked me to go to dinner. I am very nervous because this will be my first date with a butch and I have no idea what to expect. I tried to find out if she was a stone butch but she did not answer because I think some stone butches do not like to be touched sexually, which is fine with me. With all of them I told them that I am just coming out. I told the second lady that I was very attracted to her. Should I have done that? I also asked her if she uses a strap-on because I have never been with a woman sexually yet and I want to know what to expect.

Sincerely,
--3-Times the Love

---

Dear 3-Times,

I love that this letter actually sounds like the premise for one of my short stories or novels. Congratulations, by the way, on being a late in life lesbian! That’s a pretty special realization to come to and it speaks of almost a rebirth or awakening of a true part of you that has gone neglected most of your life to that point. So, well done!

Who doesn't love a woman in uniform?

Let’s talk butches and femmes for a sec. I love that you’re already making choices in what you like, what you’re interested in, and what is and isn’t out of bounds for you. This is a positive trait common to most late in life lesbians—you know what you want and you’re not ashamed to say so. Soft butch, butch, stone butch, stud, etc…these classifications can all mean some slightly different things based on personal opinion and as you’ve seen, regional differences. I’m a California girl so I know that what passes for a butch in Orange County would almost be called a femme up in San Francisco. So my advice on this, don’t get too caught up in what labels they choose to use; focus on whether or not she matches what you’re into. For those of you wondering what scale I’m using on this, I’ve generally always thought of a soft butch as someone who dressed in masculine ways, but clearly hadn’t removed all trappings of femaleness and stone butches are often difficult to discern from men in how they dress and behave and often don’t even use feminine terminology when describing themselves (thus the stud thing). It’s really a spectrum of behavior, appearance, and mindset with a lot of area in the middle for people who just think of themselves as an unspecified ‘butch.’

Classic gender dynamics in a classy way

You know, the more I think about this and re-read your letter, the more I don’t see a problem here. You’re new to the lesbian scene and you’re looking to date around to find what you like. Soooooo...date around. These three sound like a good start to get your feet wet in the lesbian dating pool. As you get to know them more, spend more time in person with them, and really explore your newly accepted sexuality with them, the answer to which one is the best fit for you will slowly emerge, or, and this is just as likely, you’ll find that, while you enjoyed their company and the time you spent with them, you’re looking for someone else entirely and you’ll get to go out and date that new person. You’re fresh on the scene—soak it up a little before you decide to leave with just one person. Since you are a late in life lesbian, you should also be open about the fact that you are recently out. This can only help your dating situation in letting people know you aren’t up to speed on everything in the lesbian community despite your age, but also because this pseudo-virginity and inexperience, especially when trying to attract a chivalrous butch, can be a pretty big turn on for someone who is interested in showing a new girl the ropes.


One final note on the strap-on and sex thing, and believe me when I say I am a super advocate of these devices, go ahead and do some research on your own beforehand. It sounds like you’re curious, and rightly so, but that doesn’t mean you need a dating partner to explain it all to you. There is a link to my blog on my website to find what I’ve written on the topic, which would be a place to start. If the intricacies of strap-ons, lesbian sex, and stone butches are something you’re interested in, there are tons of resources out there to explain it all in detail. Reading up beforehand will help a lot with what to expect and can be kind of hot fun too.

-- Cass

A Question of Masturbating in a Relationship

After a nice long break from the world of blogging during my time back in California for Christmas, I’m ready to get back into the sex/relationship advice thing and I’ve got a great question from a Twitter follower that I’ve talked to in the past. It seems previous discussions have led to a relationship and now she’s finding new and interesting challenges.

Hello Sapphic Pixie. I corresponded with you on Twitter back on the summer briefly regarding an NSA relationship that was turning into a bit more. The sex was great and we continued on a sex-only basis for a couple of months.

I am butch and she is femme. I was sleeping with six women when I hooked up with her on a dating sight and was newer to town here. My sex drive is insatiable. I am 40 years old and could have sex four times or more a day if given the opportunity.

We are in love with each other now, and in a committed relationship. We both work at home, and I would take her at a moments notice and lay her down and fuck her at any time throughout the day if I could. That is just not possible, and I know that.  She of course is much more level- headed than I am because, even though she is very sexual and very sexually active with me, I am way over the top... And I realize this!

The problem here with my drive is that I am having thoughts of how I was having sex with many women when I met her--when I was getting off with several women because it was satisfying my sexual needs. But I am worried because with these thoughts of what I was doing before I met my love, comes fleeting thoughts of stepping out on her. That scares the hell out of me! I am, and always have been a faithful partner.

I masturbate sometimes several times a day; she knows that and is usually here when I do. I hate to do that with her here, because it’s hard for me to cum with her in the house, because I'm thinking it could be a woman or her rather than me doing it to myself, and I feel deprived. She doesn't mind that I do, and even encourages me to do so because she knows of my drive and of my fears of stepping out.

I don't know what to do. I love this woman and the sex is a big part of our relationship and how we met initially. Can you help me figure this out?

Let’s handout the easy, universal relationship stuff first since there is some in here to deal with. You mentioned not liking to masturbate while she’s home even though she says it’s okay because you’re having somewhat “unfaithful” thoughts in reference to self-pleasure. This is something you’re going to need to start getting over. You’ve got two things working in your favor here: 1-she’s cool with it and 2-thinking about other people while you get yourself off is COMPLETELY normal and in fact a relationship necessity. This is no doubt a hurdle for you because you’re probably not used to having this much shared intimacy with someone…yes, what you’re experiencing now is intimacy; what you were experiencing with the six or so women you were sleeping with before your relationship was just sex. There is a huge difference between the two.

And that’s probably where the real adjustment for you is going to have to come in. You’re not used to intimacy--you’re used to fucking. Everyone makes trade offs for relationships. Intimacy comes with a price. But it also comes with some pretty fantastic rewards. Is she ever going to sexually satisfy you in the way six women can? Of course not and it’s ridiculous to think any woman could! But that’s not what she’s offering you. She’s offering you some sex, by the sounds of it a reasonable amount, that comes with an emotionally fulfilling aspect. She’s also offering you companionship, support, love, real closeness, and even some latitude to take care of your biological desires on your own as they arise. Let me make this clear:  this is a good woman offering you a good deal. Do not make the mistake of thinking you’d be better off stepping out on her with six girls because you’ve got an itch you know you’re able to scratch yourself (with help form her).

Take a second to figure out this picture and how hot it is.

Sex drives don’t match up perfectly. Your chances of finding a girlfriend who is everything you’re looking for, as this woman clearly is, with a sex drive to equal yours…you may as well start playing the lottery because you’ve got a better chance of winning that than finding that kind of woman. Adjust your expectations of what is possible. You say you love her, you say she’s special, you say she does her best to satisfy you sexually and then let’s you help yourself when she can’t--that’s a fantastic deal!

Let me address the high sex drive thing though because that’s an issue women don’t really get to talk a lot about because we’re allegedly not supposed to have high sex drives without also picking up bullshit labels like “nympho” or “slut” or whatever the hell double standard nonsense the patriarchal hegemony is trying to put on us to make us feel ashamed for acting right and normal. Having a high sex drive is a blessing, believe me, but it only turns into a curse when you go thinking sex is the best you can do when it comes to another person. You think about other people when you touch yourself and worry that it’ll lead to stepping out? Let that worrying keep you at home and you go ahead and think of whoever you want when you’re having your private time with yourself.

This is Molly Cavalli. She occupies a huge place in my fantasy/masturbation for obvious reasons.

My girlfriend and I have a very healthy sex life, but she’s been a lot busier lately with her graduate degree program and other job stuff, so I end up spending a lot of time alone and a lot of time masturbating when I’d probably rather have sex. The thing is, I know that there’s nothing out there sex-wise that’s going to be worth risking my relationship for. The two things simply aren’t equal. Six fuck buddies will NEVER be as good as one good girlfriend at home. So, yep, I masturbate to keep myself happy because it’s what reasonable, rational people do when they’ve got extra desire and drive left over. And you know what, I think about a whole slew of things that aren’t my girlfriend. Because that time is me time and it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to have your imagination and best vibrator satisfy desires that might otherwise have you chasing girls and ruining your relationship. For fuck’s sake, that’s what porn is for! That’s why I write erotica! So people who need some masturbation material can take care of themselves without expecting their partner to satisfy their every need. Find what turns you on, think of whoever you want, and go to town knowing you have her blessing to keep it at home.

This is Jelena Jensen who works for Girlfriends Films sometimes...also obvious why she spends time in my fantasies.

Take a step back, and this goes for all the ladies in relationships, and realize that your partner can’t satisfy every urge/need/desire you have. It’s simply not possible for one person to handle absolutely everything for you. You’re still going to need friends for companionship, family for added unconditional love, pets for nurturing possibilities, and in the case of sex, you’re going to need plenty of fantasy material, a good vibrator (which you can find by using my guide here and graduate to advanced usage with my guide here), and your own two hands. Getting a girlfriend doesn’t mean your every need will suddenly be taken care of by her. You’re still going to have to masturbate sometimes, but isn't that a good thing too? I mean, the fun you can have in your head can include women you haven't even met doing things you may not actually be capable of if it's all in fantasy land.

Holidays and Traditions

With Christmas coming up and family visits almost inevitable, I thought I’d write a little about the often stressful world of family holidays that most LGBT individuals live in. There’s this whole “out-ness” and “acceptance” factor that can really make things awkward and unpleasant depending on what your family situation is.

I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family this year. Being Buddhists, Thanksgiving was never really that big of a deal for my family anyway, but there were a few traditions I missed out on that made me a little homesick for California and my family. Being mostly pacific rim/Asian mutts, my family doesn’t have the same concept of Pilgrims and Indians, and my mom doesn't like turkey. Our Thanksgivings usually involved an atulai fish stew and “watching” football—my dad is a Rams fan and he mostly just complains about the Rams never getting to play on Thanksgiving, so we mostly sit around him and prompt him to go on Adam Carolla style rants about football.

When I moved to Florida with Nikki, because there was no way I was giving up my girlfriend, it didn’t even occur to me at the time that we would have to think of something else to do for Thanksgiving. Part of why we moved to Florida was she had extended family in the state (about an hour from where we are). And these were the people we were going to be spending Thanksgiving with, which pretty much terrified me.

Fair or not, this is what I expected

Let me break down exactly how I saw this going and why. Florida has some incredibly homophobic opinions, especially in the northern parts, which was the direction we’d be going. My girlfriend’s immediate family doesn’t like me and they’re only begrudgingly supportive of her being a lesbian in what I’m assuming is the hope that it’s all just a phase. They’re very traditional Orange County Christians and success mongers, so their fantastic overachieving daughter dating some strange little bohemian scene girl who turned their daughter into a Buddhist lesbian…yeah, they really don’t like me. Then let’s talk about my own extended family—there are the ultra conservative Koreans, the ultra conservative Chamorro, or the ultra conservative Iowans (Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann Iowans to be specific). So hearing that we would be spending our time with her family, but more specifically her extended family in northern Florida…well I started to wonder if we’d actually live through it.

I also have a little Social Anxiety Disorder and some PTSD from some pretty damaging bullying in High School (it's why I'm such an internet nerd and Emily Dickinson style shut in), so when we pulled up to the most beautiful…palatial estate I guess is the word for what this place was and saw that there were about fifty or sixty people (I later found out the exact number was 56 including us) I had a little panic attack. Nikki and I had discussed beforehand that her immediate family had outed us to her extended family in a not too polite sort of way, so I kind of expected us to end up back in the car pretty quickly.

Given a chance, people can surprise you.

Nikki’s favorite uncle, who had made the trip to Florida from New York just for us, showed us around, introduced us to everyone, and acted as something of our tour guide/liaison to the Florida sect of the family. We played croquet, which I actually turned out to be pretty good at, and horseshoes, which I sucked horribly at, and it was all really pleasant. There was no football on, because watching TV would take away from the family time. This was obviously a departure from my usual duties of being my dad’s football watching partner (he had to make do with my sister’s husband this year and he kept texting me that my brother-in-law didn’t understand the game). But there was a puppet show for the kids, during which I was apparently clinging to Nikki pretty tenaciously (I get like that when I’m nervous…or drunk…or within a few feet of her), and one of Nikki’s, I want to say aunt but I’m not really sure, leaned over and asked if we were a couple. We said we were, and she said, “You’re so adorable together.”

Seriously, people can surprise you.

Then there was a campfire and a sing along. All the kids produced instruments, and not just traditional instruments either, weird things like ukuleles, a box drum thing, and other stuff I’d never seen before. I’m hopelessly untalented when it comes to music, so they let me play the tambourine and kind of just mumble-sing. Still, it was nothing like I expected.

As we were saying our goodbyes about to leave, the same woman who asked if we were a couple came up to us and gave us a huge hug (not really an aunt—Nikki’s father’s cousin’s wife…what is that?), and said maybe we’d be married and/or expecting when we came next year.

Thanksgiving was strange, but strangely wonderful.

This makes just as much, if not more, sense than the story about a virgin birth.

We’re back in Southern California now for Christmas where Nikki is staying with my family most of the time and I don’t really spend much time at her place since I’m made to feel very unwelcome there (and her brothers scare/creep the hell out of me). So we’re definitely back into familiar familial waters for this holiday.

Since you’ve probably been waiting for the relationship moral in all this beyond sometimes people will surprise you with their kindness, it’s this:  you’re not dating the person’s family or friends—you’re only dating them. So what if Nikki’s dad refers to me as 'the head-case from Nikki’s old school'…seriously, he does pretty much every time, in one breath, “Are you driving over with that head-case from your old school or do you need a ride?” or “Go ahead and turn on Fox News even though it bugs that head-case from Nikki’s old school.” I feel like he should shorten it to an acronym like THCFNOS…never mind, that’s pretty long too. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because I’m not dating her family; I’m dating her. The person you’re dating doesn’t have to love your family and you don’t have to love their family. You might even like their family more than your own family sometimes and that’s fine too. The fact remains:  you are NOT dating their family. The antiquated notion of families merging when couples get married, and you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining another daughter, and yadda yadda yadda it’s all old-timey bullshit that people only have to participate in now if they damn well feel like it. As members of the LGBT community, you are not required to go out of your way to make your family feel comfortable even as they’re making you and your partner feel uncomfortable—this goes for straight couples as well. If your family or your partner's family aren't being pleasant and going out of their way to make you feel welcome, they aren't worth being around and no sense of familial duty should force you.

Questions of Bisexuality

Anyone who has followed me for any serious amount of time on Twitter or knows me personally on about any levels knows I'm not psyched about the behavior of many bi-curious people. You've probably also heard me say I never have and never will date a bisexual person--I have my reasons, both emotional and physical health based. It's a preference and one I'm not going to be bullied out of by bisexuals or pansexuals who think the ultimate in liberal mindedness about sexuality is to include everyone. There are plenty of lesbians I won't date because of preference as well, and that doesn't make me homophobic, so not dating bisexuals can't really make me biphobic, now can it? That isn't leveled at all bisexuals or pansexuals. I've met plenty of perfectly nice ones who are every bit as respectful of other people's preferences as they hope people will be of theirs, but there is this very loud, very irritating group within that community who seems to think anyone who won't sleep with them or doesn't share their hyper-specific view of sexuality is somehow a prude or a bigot and they don't mind yelling about the injustice of it all.

So after a recent gripefest with several of exactly that type of bisexual/pansexual group who didn't like the fact that I promoted emotional health over sexual experimentation--yes, I'm one of those crazy people who thinks you shouldn't emotionally abuse your sexual partners in the name of your own sexual experimentation and then say "hey, that's life, people get hurt" by way of excuse. And it is an excuse. A feeble, pathetic, hollow excuse. People aren't toys and one person's sexual exploration never trumps the feelings of someone else, EVER. As Dan Savage always advocates, practice the campsite rule in your sexual experimentation:  leave things better than you found them. Anything else is self-serving, shallow, and selfish.

Which brings me to a question I received via email the other day...
Warning: I usually proof the letters to make them all pretty and easily read, but this one was apparently written from an iPhone (and yeah, I know those can be hard to type on, but I have a Blackberry so I wouldn't know about that) and I didn't feel like going through and fixing everything her phone did, so I kind of just left it. Please don't judge either of us too harshly for that.

"I am 21 and have jus come to terms that i am Bi sexual. I have only had sex with one man my ex and i waited til i was 19 before i wud let him. There is this girl in college who iv had a crush on 4 ages and we went 2 watch a film as friends me thinkin she was totally straight, it turned out she liked me and after a load of drinks she convinces me 2 go 2 her place and we end up havin sex, cheatin on my bf at the same tym, she told me it wasnt a one night thing and this girl is 11 years older than me. I broke up wid my bf but the girl wants to pretend it never happened and has told me not 2 tell anyone about it, now i dont know how to act around her as shes in alot of my classes and is in my social group. Im really gutted because she was my first and i actually really like her shes nice to me stil and seems unfazed i feel a little used and i am stil quite shy and not confident talkin to pretty women and she is absolutly stunning! How can i be as confident as her and do you think theres a chance itll happen agen?? Sorry its a long story but please help! I dont kno wot 2 do and you giv gud advice :) thankyou for reading nevertheless xx"


First and foremost, we have to deal with what you did wrong here. Cheating is cheating and you cheated. Before you do anything to address this girl, you've got to go back to your boyfriend at the time and apologize for what you did. Like I said, campsite rules:  you left him worse than you found him and now you owe him an apology and explanation for it. Take a step back from lusting after this older woman, and realize you trampled someone during your experimentation and their feelings matter too.

As for this woman, take a look at exactly what she's doing and map it out. This is precisely the person you DON'T want to be as a bisexual, and you certainly shouldn't want to be with her. She lied to you, misled you with false intentions, and is now ignoring you after she got what she wanted...sounds a little like she learned those tricks from...I'm not going to say it, but you know who I mean. She did exactly what you're not supposed to do as a bisexual, so learn from her MASSIVE mistakes and don't do to anyone else any of the things she did to you.

How do you be as confident as her? Sweetie, she's not confident; she's abusive. There's a big difference between knowing what you want, how to get it, and being a user of people. Being like her is the last thing you should want. Do I think there's a chance it'll happen again? That's the wrong question that I'll answer with one of my own:  why on earth would you want it to? You cheated on your boyfriend, ended the relationship because of a lie she told you, and now she's treating you like shit in public...what exactly is the attraction here? Let me make this perfectly clear for you:  do not sleep with this girl EVER again.

Like it or not (and sometimes I really don't), you're now in the LGBT community as one of the Bs. So in the sense of community, let me straighten you the fuck out. This girl you slept with is not a role model. What you need to do is go find yourself a real role model within the community to show you how to behave when it comes to bisexual relationships. Don't look at me on this one--I'm a lesbian who doesn't know the first thing about managing relationships with guys, forget about the complexity that bisexuality adds to that--you need a bisexual mentor in this. You've got a good start though; this first female/female sexual experience you had was with a woman who reads like a "shit you should never do" list. First and foremost rule though--campsite:  leave people better than you found them. You can explore your sexuality without emotionally harming others, but you're off to a bad start with this since you did cheat on and dump your boyfriend at the drop of this girl's panties. Resolve to NEVER do that again. People are not toys, people's emotions are not disposable, and the things you do can cause harm to others if you are careless, selfish, and shallow in your dealings with them. Think about how crappy you feel right now and resolve to not do this to anyone else. Am I being abso-fucking-lutely clear about this?

There's a part of this letter that irritates the hell out of me, and I even know why it bugs me so much. Because I'm guilty of it to. You go on and on and on about how attractive this girl is as though that is somehow one of those Mr. Clean Magic Eraser pads (seriously, have you tried these things?) that wipes away her abusive relationship tendencies, bad personality, and probably a myriad of other negative things about her that you didn't bring up since you were typing on a phone. This bugs me, because I used to be (still am to some degree) the same way. My girlfriend is ridiculously attractive and I excused so much of her bad behavior early on in knowing her because I just felt so honored that she even noticed my existence, even if it was in a negative way (and it often was). The thing that helped me break the cycle was realizing she didn't really do anything to earn her looks--it's mostly genetic. Giving her credit for being attractive is like giving most basketball players credit for being tall. Worshiping someone because they're good looking is so silly. There are other attractive people out there who aren't shitheads, so why are you wasting your time pining over this one? Attractive people won't respect you if you willingly take their abuse simply because they're attractive. So knock it off.

If you feel like you got a little reamed by all this, take as me wanting to stop something negative before it can really start. You do yourself, the people you encounter, and the credibility of bisexuals harm if you behave the way this girl behaved toward you. The first two steps on your journey to not be a shallow, selfish abuser of other people:  1. Apologize to your exboyfriend and 2. Tell this bitch to fuck off.

How Soon is Too Soon?

Another quick retread of an article from the dating website I work for addressing the complex lesbian issue of U-Hauling! Original post here on 8-17-2011

From a really charming greeting card company with LGBT options

A recent letter I answered on the Q and A section of my web column addressed in very limited detail how soon is too soon to move in together. This actually matched up with a conversation I had with a friend recently about her and her girlfriend’s desire to start having babies. Something she said kind of stuck out to me: they’d been together for six years and it was about time they started having kids. Wait, what? Six years is the alarm clock for children? Do we start sperm donor shopping at about five years and six months? What happens if a couple makes it to seven years without procreating? Are one or both ladies labeled an old maid? It all seemed a little arbitrary to me.

In the aforementioned letter, the submitter said she’d moved in with her girlfriend because it was more convenient to see each other that way. I may have been a little outraged in my response, but I think my outrage was warranted. Of all the reasons to move in together, I think convenience is even sillier than your relationship meeting some arbitrary time stamp set up by the particular Sapphistocracy in your area (I made that word up—please use it until it catches on). I’ve started to wonder how many of these relationship norms and benchmarks my own relationship violates. We’ve been together going on three years, have been living together for about two of those, and we’re light-years from even deciding which one of us would get pregnant, let alone looking for genetically favorable strong swimmers from a willing donor. This all begs the question: how soon is too soon?

There is of course the silly joke about U-Hauling (there’s even a word for it) where any relationship that doesn’t result in moving in together within the first few dates is viewed as a failure. Let’s move past that though and take a realistic look at some real reasons for and against moving in and how soon is really too soon.

First and foremost, let me reiterate the advice given in the Q and A section a few weeks ago for those of you who may have missed it. Moving in for convenience, to save on gas or commute time, for the insurance benefits, a shared wardrobe that doubles your options (I am so freaking jealous of you ladies with girlfriends the same size as you who get to do this), or any other reason that really boils down to ‘it makes things easier’ is all a bad idea. We have enough trouble with bed death and girlfriends becoming roommates without actually using reasons tailored to having a roommate thrown in the mix. You move in with your girlfriend when you want to move your relationship to the next level and you’re both ready for the lifestyle change. You do not move in together to save on rent and split the cost of milk.

 

Addressing the concept of time stamps is a little more difficult, because these are the demands brought on by peer pressure, both external and internal. You look around at your circle of friends and you see Katie and her new girlfriend Beth are moving in together and they’ve only been together six months, but you and your girlfriend have been together for eight months and you’re not sure you’re ready yet, but they’re both going on and on and on about how great it is, so you…? Let’s just stop right there, and let’s not even touch how much pressure you’d feel if you and your girlfriend had been together for a year or more and still hadn’t moved in together. Seeing the pace others are running around us can encourage us to try to run at a pace we’re not built for, not ready for, and will exhaust us long before it does them; I don’t actually run, but my girlfriend does and she said this metaphor works. The point being, your relationship is different than your friends’ relationships, but, more than that (and this is where most people get tripped up) your relationship with your current girlfriend is different than any other relationship you’ve likely had. You can’t move in with Sara at six months just because you moved in with Jennifer at five…remember how that turned out? (I totally hope I freaked someone out by using the name of their current and ex-girlfriends in that hypothetical example. If I did, send me an email telling me to get out of your head).

“How soon is too soon?” is a question only you and your current girlfriend can answer. It can’t be based off the people around you or their opinions on how long is long enough. Lesbians are entirely too reliant on the advice of their friends when it comes to making life choices and that advice usually comes from a place just as confused and lost as the one you’re currently in. If someone is saying X number of months or years is the right time to do something in a relationship, take a step back and realize your relationship isn’t on a timeline. To use a sports analogy, since I’m dating a stem and I’m a total daddy’s girl I know all of these cool parallels between dating and sports: your relationship is like softball or baseball—there’s no time limit on things, just benchmarks to be met; your relationship is not like a soccer match where the time can run out on something and there’s very little scoring going on (hopefully that’s true on the second part).

Move in together when you’re ready to take that next step. Understand that your relationship is unique even within all the relationships you’ve already had. And never move in for simple convenience. Together we can make that U-Haul joke go away by making good relationship choices and increasing our chances for longer-lasting unions.