Late in Life Lesbian

I'm going to run a question and answer bit of relationship advice I gave at my day job over at TangoWire.com's network of dating sites. I thought it was an interesting question about age and dating with some important side information about butch/femme dynamics. Enjoy!

Dear Cass:

I have been on the site for about four months and have been talking to three ladies that I feel may lead to a friendship or long term relationship, although I have not met any of them in person yet. I am just coming out at 49. I am a femme and always been attracted to butch women. I never thought that I was a lesbian because when I see women walking on the streets I do not have any attraction to them. Only butch women turn me on, and I did not know about butch/femme relationships.

So the first lady I am talking to I would say I have the closet connection because we have been talking the longest. She is a soft butch and has been one since she was a teenager. We have share very private things with each other and I do feel close to her. She is in a nursing home recovering from a stroke so this is why we have not met in person. I told her that I was just coming out because I want to be honest, but I don't know if I should have told her or just kept it to myself. I am a little attracted to her but she is a little smaller than me and again a soft butch. We have talked on the phone, but more of our talking has been though emails because her voice was affected by the stroke and sometimes I find it hard to understand what she is saying even though I do wish we could talk a little more on the phone. She was supposed to get out of the nursing home last week but couldn’t because the apartment she was to live in doesn’t have bars in the bathroom so the nursing home would not release her. Since last week she has not been talking to me as much and I feel distanced from her. I sent her an email and she said she was still interested. We have been talking for almost four months.

The second lady lives in Atlanta and is planning on moving back to NYC where she use to live and where I live now. She is a stud and very tall. I find that I am very attracted to her, but I don't feel that close to her yet as we have only been talking for 2 months. We only talk on the phone but I wish I could email her too because sometimes it is easier for me to express my feeling when I write. She said that she is going to move back in March 2012 and we can start dating.

The last lady I have been talking to for a month and she is a butch, wears only men’s clothes, and I am very attracted to her. She lives only 30 minutes from me and she asked me to go to dinner. I am very nervous because this will be my first date with a butch and I have no idea what to expect. I tried to find out if she was a stone butch but she did not answer because I think some stone butches do not like to be touched sexually, which is fine with me. With all of them I told them that I am just coming out. I told the second lady that I was very attracted to her. Should I have done that? I also asked her if she uses a strap-on because I have never been with a woman sexually yet and I want to know what to expect.

Sincerely,
--3-Times the Love

---

Dear 3-Times,

I love that this letter actually sounds like the premise for one of my short stories or novels. Congratulations, by the way, on being a late in life lesbian! That’s a pretty special realization to come to and it speaks of almost a rebirth or awakening of a true part of you that has gone neglected most of your life to that point. So, well done!

Who doesn't love a woman in uniform?

Let’s talk butches and femmes for a sec. I love that you’re already making choices in what you like, what you’re interested in, and what is and isn’t out of bounds for you. This is a positive trait common to most late in life lesbians—you know what you want and you’re not ashamed to say so. Soft butch, butch, stone butch, stud, etc…these classifications can all mean some slightly different things based on personal opinion and as you’ve seen, regional differences. I’m a California girl so I know that what passes for a butch in Orange County would almost be called a femme up in San Francisco. So my advice on this, don’t get too caught up in what labels they choose to use; focus on whether or not she matches what you’re into. For those of you wondering what scale I’m using on this, I’ve generally always thought of a soft butch as someone who dressed in masculine ways, but clearly hadn’t removed all trappings of femaleness and stone butches are often difficult to discern from men in how they dress and behave and often don’t even use feminine terminology when describing themselves (thus the stud thing). It’s really a spectrum of behavior, appearance, and mindset with a lot of area in the middle for people who just think of themselves as an unspecified ‘butch.’

Classic gender dynamics in a classy way

You know, the more I think about this and re-read your letter, the more I don’t see a problem here. You’re new to the lesbian scene and you’re looking to date around to find what you like. Soooooo...date around. These three sound like a good start to get your feet wet in the lesbian dating pool. As you get to know them more, spend more time in person with them, and really explore your newly accepted sexuality with them, the answer to which one is the best fit for you will slowly emerge, or, and this is just as likely, you’ll find that, while you enjoyed their company and the time you spent with them, you’re looking for someone else entirely and you’ll get to go out and date that new person. You’re fresh on the scene—soak it up a little before you decide to leave with just one person. Since you are a late in life lesbian, you should also be open about the fact that you are recently out. This can only help your dating situation in letting people know you aren’t up to speed on everything in the lesbian community despite your age, but also because this pseudo-virginity and inexperience, especially when trying to attract a chivalrous butch, can be a pretty big turn on for someone who is interested in showing a new girl the ropes.


One final note on the strap-on and sex thing, and believe me when I say I am a super advocate of these devices, go ahead and do some research on your own beforehand. It sounds like you’re curious, and rightly so, but that doesn’t mean you need a dating partner to explain it all to you. There is a link to my blog on my website to find what I’ve written on the topic, which would be a place to start. If the intricacies of strap-ons, lesbian sex, and stone butches are something you’re interested in, there are tons of resources out there to explain it all in detail. Reading up beforehand will help a lot with what to expect and can be kind of hot fun too.

-- Cass

Strap-ons: Tricks and Techniques

This is my kind of strap-on!

 Strap-ons:  Tricks and Technique

I keep forgetting this is supposed to be a sex advice column, and while I have a lot of fun talking politics, feminist issues, and more vanilla relationship advice, I can’t ignore that the blog is called “Erotic Answers.” My guide to buying strap-ons was one of the most popular blog posts I’ve ever done and so I thought I’d do a follow up post explaining what you should do with one of these things once you’ve found it, or, if you’ve already figured out a few tricks you like, some new things to try. After all, what’s the point of going strapped if you don’t really know how to use it?

I’m also fond of reminding everyone that my qualifications for being a sexpert and relationship advice columnist is actually the fact that I’m a romance/erotica author who has successfully maintained a healthy relationship for many years. I’m not a doctor of the MD, Ph. D, or even DDS variety (can you imagine a dentist’s sex advice column? “Butt Floss More!”), although I do have my degree now, which I didn’t have when I started this shin dig. Of course, it has nothing to do with mental health or medicine:  English with a writing emphasis and minors in political science and women’s studies, which isn’t super important since I don’t need a degree in English to be a writer—I mean, Vonnegut’s degree was in chemistry and Hemmingway didn’t even go to college, so if the boys can do it, why can’t I? Anyway, where was I going with this…oh, right, I’m an author and not a counselor so I’ll be using my fiction to illustrate the points about strap-ons. Technique and accuracy are both important to me, so trust me when I say I have tried every strap-on scene in my works (in one way or the other if you catch my meaning) and I know they’re all not only possible but potentially fun!

Disclaimer: I’m not going over the lesbian purist issues with strap-ons in this post. I covered that in the first one. My stance continues to be:  strap-ons aren’t cocks and don’t make someone less of a lesbian simply for wearing or being fucked by one.

“Lucy’s concerns about much of anything completely melted away when Sasha aggressively bent her over the end of the pool table, holding her chest flat against the green felt with her pencil skirt bunched around her waist and panties around her ankles. Sasha’s favored strap-on, which fit beautifully over her slender hips in the tight jeans, had a little arched knob at the top, designed to tickle Lucy’s clit if they were facing each other, but in the bent over, from behind position, actually vibrated and knocked at her backdoor with every powerful thrust her vampire girl made into her. Lucy screamed in delight as Sasha ravaged her, each scream brought either a tug on the back of her ponytail or a sharp swat on her increasingly red behind. It felt like a proper send-off for the pool table nobody had ever used.

Lucy climaxed again for what she thought might have been the fifth time. An aggressive sweat rose on her skin, adding an additional sting to the harshly spanked red of her behind, and she felt her legs weaken to the point of giving out. Sasha, intuiting that Lucy wouldn’t hold herself up much longer, grasped Lucy’s legs, swept them off the floor into her hands and moved her into a modified wheel-barrow position that Lucy knew would leave rug burns from the pool table felt across her forearms, but couldn’t imagine a reason why she would care.”

This excerpt is from “The Last Best Tip” and illustrates several really important points about going strapped while standing.

Clothes can not only look good with your "accessory" but also help hold it in place!

First and foremost, you’ll notice Sasha is wearing her strap-on over her jeans. This is actually kind of a neat trick considering denim holds straps better than bare skin and provides padding to prevent chaffing in the wearer during, vigorous thrusting. If you haven’t tried your strap-on with clothes, you might give this a try, especially if you’re having trouble keeping it in place comfortably.

Secondly, you’ll notice this particular strap-on has a clitstimulator—it’s like the rabbit part on rabbit dildos, but fits a strap-on harness. These are spendy and difficult to use, and, as you see in the scene, point at other things if you switch positions. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. I’m personally a fan of light playing in that area, and it’s an avenue of pleasure a lot of people don’t give full credit to. Obviously good hygiene and diligent toy washing becomes even more important if you’re going back there and never never never never go from back door to front door—you’re likely to get a really bad infection that way. Still, the little vibrating rabbits meant for clits can feel nice if you switch to from behind positions and of course there are strap-ons that have special attachments specifically for simultaneous anal play.

Thirdly, there’s the modified wheel-barrow position. This requires an appropriately heighted sturdy surface and an athletic partner capable of holding up your legs. Turns out, a pool table does work for my girlfriend and she is strong enough to…you get the picture. Anyway, focus on the right height, sturdy enough to hold more than half your weight, and a girlfriend who is physically capable for this one.

Technically, this has stuff for the wearer and would probably stay in place, but...

The next piece comes from Demons of Paradise:  “…she next found herself lying flat on her back, panting and moaning, with Vendela straddling her, riding almost in slow motion, the front of her kimono falling open on occasion to show her perfect white breasts, which might have been carved of marble for the smooth sheen they boasted. When Brooke reached up to touch them as Vendela rode smoothly up and down on her strap-on, she found the breasts ice-cold, but absolutely perfect in every other way.”

There are theories out there about breasts being grown to promote face to face coupling, and even though that’s evolutionary preposterous, it’s kind of believable considering how awesome breasts are. Regardless, face to face really is the best for a lot of things. Specifically, in this case, if you have a strap-on with interior items for clit stimulationon the wearer, and believe me they are worth a try. On top, or cowgirl, position can really be good for both partners with the right toy making it a one star on difficulty and five star on pleasure. The trick is to find the right position and place for both people to get something out of it, but not necessarily at the same time, although at the same time is amazing. Did you know vaginas are angled differently depending on the individual women? Strange to think of, but it’s true. A position that works for one woman on top won’t work for all women on top because we all have different angles inside, so focus on finding which one works best for you. And, if you’re the cowgirl in this position (and you definitely should at least try it once) don’t be afraid of getting grindy—that’s what will help your partner have fun if you have one of those special strap-ons with clit stimulation on the inside.

Obviously this is varsity level strapping

 “Even as Fiona was getting used to the sensation of wearing such a thing, something she’d never done before, Veronica was busy mentally checking off things on her list. She pushed Fiona against the pillar, fell to her knees, and began giving the most lurid blow job Fiona could have imagined, taking the enormous, red phallus in her mouth with inexperienced verve. The strap along the back, just above Fiona’s ass, scraped and rubbed against the wall with every plunge and sloppy sucking motion Veronica made. There was little in the way of physical sensation to the blow job for Fiona, but the visual, auditory, and energy components shifted her thinking from survival to sexual ends. When Veronica had satisfied her curiosity, she’d climbed Fiona’s body, her lips made rosy from the work, an ineffable smile on her face, having checked off something she’d never done and didn’t want to die without knowing. “Some of the girls talk about how great that is,” she’d said. “I had to know.”
            “Oh,” Fiona had replied breathlessly.”

This excerpt comes from The Gunfighter and The Gear-Head in which Fiona and Veronica are sure they’re about to die, and start doing some naughty things so they at least don’t die wondering. And, this probably sounds strange to the uninitiated, right? Two women, one toy, nobody getting anything physical out of the act of a blow job, so what’s the point? Sure, there aren’t pleasure nerve endings in the strap-on or the mouth really, and even if you have one of the aforementioned strap-ons with the internal clit stimulation, this isn’t really the best way to make use of it to be honest, so why would you try this?

I’m a firm believer that the largest erogenous zone on a woman is the mind. Sure, sure, the clit is a wonder with twice as many nerve endings as the penis, and don't get me wrong, that should be taken care of too, but mental stimulation makes all the other erogenous zones run when it comes to women, and that is what the point of this is. It can be sexy to watch as the receiver and naughty to try as the giver. There are the functional benefits of spit being a good lubricant as well, and unlike straight girls, you can quit whenever you want since there isn’t a possibility of completion (for reals, I get all I need to from this on either end within 30 seconds so don’t feel like this needs to be a big part of anything). Try it for fun, not because it’s a technically sound way to stimulate anyone, but because it might hit a mental note with one or both of you, and as I’ve already pointed out, this won’t hurt your lesbian credibility because strap-ons aren’t cocks.

See how feminine these things really are?

 The last example comes from Lesbians in Space:  Astral Liaisons in which Captain Val and her girlfriends (yep, plural) are in a position called exponential decline by the mathematically inclined one:  “The angle Jesse took with the toy, timed to perfection on every thrust, pressed down against the soft little bundle of nerves inside Val with expert precision. The pleasant sensation of being filled quickly built to something else. The swell of desire building inside Val grew exponentially with every subsequent thrust across her g-spot until a rolling wave of gratification washed through her, raising the hairs on the back of her neck. She barely recognized her own muffled groan of pleasure with her mouth still firmly suctioned to Jane’s clit.”

Judging from some of my stories, the assumption out there is that I probably have lots and lots of group sex, but the truth is, I’ve never had so much as a single threesome. You know that triple kiss thing mentioned in Fabled Fang Girls? Yep, never done that either. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good fantasy or fun fodder for reading material. And if you are one of those people having lots and lots of group sex, that’s cool too.

The information to take away from this scene, which is basically just modified doggy-style with a little oral sex added to the other side, is the g-spot stimulation. Not everyone has a highly sensitive g-spot or can climax from g-spot stimulation alone, which is fine, but it’s pretty darn hard to stimulate the big G without help from a toy, and strap-ons with the right positioning can do a fine job of it. This is going to require communication to get right though. Being on the receiving end of this, you have to let your partner know when she’s found the right spot since, as I pointed out before, we’re all angled a little differently. This doesn’t have to necessarily be an, “Oh, right there!” declaration, although it certainly can be. If you want to work out nonverbal cues like the ladies in the scene did, that’s fine and will help your partner learn to read your sexual arousal far more quickly than trial and error will. This isn’t really an effective position for clit stimulation for the person going strapped, even with the specialized kind. But that can be a good thing too since the person wearing can focus entirely on finding the right angle, which I’m guessing is something straight girls don’t get as much of. So if you’re the one going strapped, focus on finding the exact right way to do this by taking cues for when you’ve hit the right angle to find the g-spot.

Those aren’t the only instances of strap-on use in my fiction, but I thought those were the most useful teaching examples. Hopefully you’ll have a few new tricks to try with your strap-on, or good motivation to go out and buy one if you haven’t already. I’m encouraging my readers to post in the comments how these things worked for them, or if you want to post your own techniques and tricks as well, feel free to do that!

Strap-ons: Squeak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

This article was originally posted in Sass Magazine but will soon be replaced by a new column about gushing, so I thought I'd archive it here for people who haven't had a chance to check out Sass yet (and everyone should), where I can include some links and visuals not supported by the magazine format. Enjoy!



I’m going to break the first rule of sex advice and give advice that wasn’t necessarily asked for. Second column and I’m already breaking rules laid out in the first one? Get used to it, ladies; I am woman and thus reserve the right to be inconstant. The topic to cover, one I wasn’t explicitly asked about, deals with strap-ons. I don’t mean to brag (okay, maybe a little), but I know a ton about these. The background for the question…recent discussions in a multi-racial, multi-generational LGBTA group led me to believe there is more misinformation than information in the lesbian community and so I thought I’d be Miss Information and let everyone in on my extensive knowledge.

The squeak reference in the title alludes to the squeaking sound so many of the harnesses make until they get broken in, and, odds are, you will break them in. A little background on the question (that I wasn’t asked, but should have been) is probably in order. There are some generational divides in the lesbian community in America (and probably everywhere else) that relate very closely to the second wave feminism movement of the 1960s and 70s. I’m going to skip all the ways lesbians, women in general really, of my generation disagree with Gloria Steinem save the one about sex toys. For a lot of lesbians, especially those of Ms Steinem’s generation, penetrative sex is still taboo with the exception of fingers, of course, and I still can’t understand why. With the emergence of the modern butches and drag kings, who view worn-toys as not just practical but part of their sexual identity, I’ve found a lot of new allies for my pro strap-on agenda despite being a femme in an all-femme relationship.

In mixed circles, which I travel in on occasion, the issue of sex toys comes up all the time. The prevailing “wisdom” is that if men use dildos they must be gay and if women use them they must not be. This is, of course, utter nonsense. Wanting to be penetrated has never had anything to do with a person’s sexuality and everything to do with penetration being pretty fucking great. One of the ground rules for just about anyone into penetration, and I’m not alone in thinking this, is that craving penetration does NOT mean craving cock. You can call a strap-on a cock, write cock on it with a Sharpie, register it in the sex toy hall of fame as Mr. Cock and it will never ever be a cock. Cocks deliver sperm and are attached to men—strap-ons don’t do either of these no matter how much you spend.

With that out of the way, we have to deal with what goes in the harness. I’ve discussed this with everyone I could get my hands on to gather as many opinions as humanly possible and I’ve come to two major conclusions:

#1 – If you don’t want it going inside you, it’s not going to do you much good; aesthetics are important. I’m like most people—I like shiny things (you have no idea how long it took me to figure that one out) be it cars, jewelry, clothing, hair, or, in this case, toys. There’s just something about shiny toys that I find visually appealing; maybe I was a crow or raccoon in a former life. I don’t like realistic looking toys in the slightest: veins, faux-pubic hair, flesh color…it just grosses me out. So, when it’s my turn to be on the penetrated side, we go with the pearly, pink, torpedo looking dildos. The point is: figure out what you find visually appealing. You should want that thing inside you and that starts with liking what it looks like.

Also, figure out beforehand what you want to call it. Nothing can derail fun like hearing one of those pet-peeve words uttered by your partner mid-coitus. My girlfriend hates the word ‘moist’…no idea why, but I know not to say it during sex. Most gay girls have similar issues with any number of the expansive library of names for penis; get the labeling ironed out beforehand.

In one of the discussions I had about strap-ons in one of those mixed groups I mentioned, a bi-guy friend stated, in a fairly cock-centric way, that evolution perfected cocks for pleasing pussies. I pointed out that evolution perfected cocks to deliver sperm, which turkey basters do a better job of, and sperm delivery doesn’t matter for strap-ons. Besides, don’t we live our lives telling evolution it didn’t do a very good job? If evolution got everything exactly right, we wouldn’t need shoes, eyeglasses, or toothbrushes. Don’t assume nature got it right; find what’s right for you.

#2 – One size does not fit all. Pussies come in all shapes and sizes; thankfully, so do sex toys. Harnesses, even the adjustable ones, are not necessarily going to be universal enough to fit both you and your girlfriend, unless you’re lucky enough to be about the same size, and even then, there’s a lot of preferences on where those straps sit. You may be able to get away with one harness, or you might have to buy two; they’re expensive, but getting the right one is worth the money and typically they last longer than your memory of the money you spent. Whether you go with leather and buckles or vinyl and Velcro, thong back or around the legs, you have to make sure it fits snugly, holds the desired dildo, and is comfortable enough to wear for awhile. Getting worn raw by an ill-fitting harness can really cut future rides short, cowgirls. In addition to the advice of spending money to achieve good quality, I do have to add that our womanly curves (or lack thereof in my case) can be a hindrance to fit. Leather harnesses with buckles offer the most customization in this area, and the rule of thumb should be: if you have trouble finding clothes to fit your body type, odds are you’ll need something with buckles for your strap-on. For petite women, like myself, this is especially important as I can punch new holes to fit the harness even smaller if need be.

A huge mistake I see a lot of newly strapped ladies is the wearer picking the toy, which is, pardon the pun, ass-backward. When you’re wearing the harness, she picks the dildo. Don’t assume the size and shape you enjoy are going to work for her; you can end up with an uncomfortably sore partner or a massively unsatisfied one with that kind of thinking. Trust me, even if you don’t particularly like the look of the toy she picks out, you’ll start to like it when you see how well it works.

Something that goes overlooked is how stylish these things can be.

We were built with g-spots for penetrative sex, toys are often necessary to stimulate the g-spot, and g-spot stimulation is pretty damn nifty; no social construct or hang-up about toys looking like penises should deny you or your partner a g-spot tickle—besides, a lot of toys look like popsicles with pink bunnies riding them, which sounds pretty damn feminine to me. If you haven’t tried a strap-on yet, what are you waiting for? If you have one and enjoy it, tell me what’s working for you and I might mention it in next month’s article, especially if I missed something. The point is, when you’re eating French fries, it’s fine to use your fingers, but when you’re eating spaghetti, you need a fork. So, get a strap-on and fork your girlfriend!

If you enjoyed the first installment, check out tips and tricks of strap-on uses from Erotic Answers!