Dental Damnit!

Proof safe sex can be cute!

I recently had a friend who was getting back into the lesbian life after a long hiatus ask me a safe sex question. She has a new girlfriend who disclosed having herpes, and she wanted to know how they could still have sex while reducing the risk of transmission. I've made no bones about it in the past that I think sex-ed in the U.S. is shit and the lesbian specific sex-ed is non-freaking-existent. So I'm going to throw out some of it right now.

Let me start by saying, there's a big stigma attached to herpes that doesn't make a lot of sense. And I'm not the only sexpert who feels this way. Yep, it's a virus so if you get it you'll have it forever. Yep, outbreaks are damn unpleasant. But that's really about as bad as it gets. (There's some deep down the rabbit hole stuff about if you have herpes 2 and bacterial vaginosis at the same time you can be more susceptible to some types of HIV transmission, but if you're the extraordinarily rare person that has all those things happening at once, you need to be taking your sex advice from a board certified gynecologist, not me.) Herpes won't make you sterile, it won't kill you, and it doesn't increase your risk for cancer like some types of HPV can. There's this whole "unclean" attitude, especially within the lesbian community, about herpes that is overblown. If people take precautions, they can keep it from spreading, but even if it does, it's not the end of the world.

Which day are you on?

There are relationship kudos that need to be handed out in this situation too. The partner in question knew her status on an STD and disclosed it to her girlfriend before sexual contact--that's exactly the right, respectful, and responsible thing to do. Dan Savage has GGG, and I have RRR: act right, respectful, and responsible when it comes to safe sex. My friend, when she found out her partner had an STD, didn't freak out and dump her, realized she didn't know what to do to keep it from spreading, and then asked for safe sex advice. That's all perfect RRR behavior. Good job, ladies, on communicating well and acting responsibly!

For Herps2, the biggest safe sex no-no is having sex when she's having an active breakout. That's a pretty common sense one and really, if she's having an outbreak, she's probably feeling unsexy and uncomfortable anyway. But definitely if there are sores, avoid sexual contact until it has passed. If she's on anti-viral medication, which a lot of people with Herps2 are these days, outbreaks are going to be fairly few and far between so completely avoiding sex during them may sound like a big deal on the surface, but in practice it's probably going to be an uncommon inconvenience.

This is a medical use of dental dams, but I freaked you out, didn't I?

Dental dams are always recommended for going down on someone with any STD. Herps2 can turn into Herps1 during oral sex or vice-versa. If someone has outbreaks around their mouth (aka Herps1), then she'll need to use a dental dam when going down on someone as well. It's harder for the virus to go from vagina to mouth than from mouth to vagina, but it can happen, so be safe regardless of whether its type 1 or 2. Dental dams come in cool flavors, colors, etc. OR in a pinch if you don't have one, good old plastic wrap from the kitchen can work, if you avoid the microwave safe kind. Condoms slit up the side can also turn into dental dams, especially the polyurethane kind, but this can get expensive. Go Ask Alice has the whole skinny on dental dam purchasing, but basically these days you can order them online really easy. Plastic wrap is also a pretty good route to take--it's cheap, plentiful, easily obtained without stigma, and you can size it yourself. It's also a little thinner than some dental dams to allow for more sensation. The origin of dental dams is in dentistry where they used the stretchy things during heavy duty dental work to make sure tooth stuff didn't fall down your throat (see the picture above for how) while you were all zapped out on laughing gas. They've made changes since, of course, but pleasure giving was not really a consideration in their original design.

Toy stuff, if you two are into that sort of thing and not everyone is...basically just keep a her set and a your set to avoid STD transmission, clean them thoroughly after use, try not to mix them up, use the dishwasher if they're the dishwasher safe types, and if you're really concerned still, condoms fit over most toys. Toys generally aren't great transmitters of STDs (especially the glass or metal kinds), but it's still enough of a risk to want to avoid the whole thing by simply having hers and hers sets. The cyber skin and silicon kind can get micro-abrasions that resist cleaning and can hide the Herps2 virus so for these keeping them separate is the only way to be sure. With the glass kind, you can boil them in water if you're really germ-phobic and it'll work just fine once it cools down, but if you do that with cyber skin types of toys you'll probably end up with dildo soup.

Get spruced up for your date!

For scissoring...I just don't know that I would do it. There are the plastic wrap protection steps that can be taken, although that'll kill the sensation and good luck keeping a dental dam or a piece of plastic wrap in the right place for very long doing that. This is just going to be a riskier act than others. With anti-viral medications, the transmission rate can be really, really low, but scissoring will still hold risk. My girlfriend told me she'd still want to it if I had Herps2 (because she's a total sweetheart and it's easy to promise that since I'm not infected), but it is up to the individuals in the couple to decide if that's worth it.

As for fingers, jokingly known as the true lesbian sex organ, just don't go from inside her to your mouth or inside you without washing your hands in between. This one's pretty simple. Your fingers can transmit the virus (or more specifically vaginal fluids on fingers can) in the same way touching things spreads all sorts of diseases. There's a thing called herpes whitlow where the virus spreads to areas not commonly infected like the eyes or fingers. This is easy to avoid though by not touching the sores during an outbreak and washing your hands between uses. Obviously if you have a cut on your finger, that'll seriously jump up your risk of whitlow infection, but that's also avoidable with a latex glove as needed.

The Herpes virus likes genitals, tolerates mouths, and doesn't care for much else on the human body. It's also becoming far less virulent over the years, and the anti-viral medications available for it now work really well to reduce outbreaks and transmission rates. All that being said, it can still jump without symptoms present so being cavalier about it is unwise. Dental dams (or dental dam simulacrums mentioned earlier) are really the most important aspect to safe sex in the specific case of herpes, but in general they're a good rule to avoid any STD transmission.

A Question of Masturbating in a Relationship

After a nice long break from the world of blogging during my time back in California for Christmas, I’m ready to get back into the sex/relationship advice thing and I’ve got a great question from a Twitter follower that I’ve talked to in the past. It seems previous discussions have led to a relationship and now she’s finding new and interesting challenges.

Hello Sapphic Pixie. I corresponded with you on Twitter back on the summer briefly regarding an NSA relationship that was turning into a bit more. The sex was great and we continued on a sex-only basis for a couple of months.

I am butch and she is femme. I was sleeping with six women when I hooked up with her on a dating sight and was newer to town here. My sex drive is insatiable. I am 40 years old and could have sex four times or more a day if given the opportunity.

We are in love with each other now, and in a committed relationship. We both work at home, and I would take her at a moments notice and lay her down and fuck her at any time throughout the day if I could. That is just not possible, and I know that.  She of course is much more level- headed than I am because, even though she is very sexual and very sexually active with me, I am way over the top... And I realize this!

The problem here with my drive is that I am having thoughts of how I was having sex with many women when I met her--when I was getting off with several women because it was satisfying my sexual needs. But I am worried because with these thoughts of what I was doing before I met my love, comes fleeting thoughts of stepping out on her. That scares the hell out of me! I am, and always have been a faithful partner.

I masturbate sometimes several times a day; she knows that and is usually here when I do. I hate to do that with her here, because it’s hard for me to cum with her in the house, because I'm thinking it could be a woman or her rather than me doing it to myself, and I feel deprived. She doesn't mind that I do, and even encourages me to do so because she knows of my drive and of my fears of stepping out.

I don't know what to do. I love this woman and the sex is a big part of our relationship and how we met initially. Can you help me figure this out?

Let’s handout the easy, universal relationship stuff first since there is some in here to deal with. You mentioned not liking to masturbate while she’s home even though she says it’s okay because you’re having somewhat “unfaithful” thoughts in reference to self-pleasure. This is something you’re going to need to start getting over. You’ve got two things working in your favor here: 1-she’s cool with it and 2-thinking about other people while you get yourself off is COMPLETELY normal and in fact a relationship necessity. This is no doubt a hurdle for you because you’re probably not used to having this much shared intimacy with someone…yes, what you’re experiencing now is intimacy; what you were experiencing with the six or so women you were sleeping with before your relationship was just sex. There is a huge difference between the two.

And that’s probably where the real adjustment for you is going to have to come in. You’re not used to intimacy--you’re used to fucking. Everyone makes trade offs for relationships. Intimacy comes with a price. But it also comes with some pretty fantastic rewards. Is she ever going to sexually satisfy you in the way six women can? Of course not and it’s ridiculous to think any woman could! But that’s not what she’s offering you. She’s offering you some sex, by the sounds of it a reasonable amount, that comes with an emotionally fulfilling aspect. She’s also offering you companionship, support, love, real closeness, and even some latitude to take care of your biological desires on your own as they arise. Let me make this clear:  this is a good woman offering you a good deal. Do not make the mistake of thinking you’d be better off stepping out on her with six girls because you’ve got an itch you know you’re able to scratch yourself (with help form her).

Take a second to figure out this picture and how hot it is.

Sex drives don’t match up perfectly. Your chances of finding a girlfriend who is everything you’re looking for, as this woman clearly is, with a sex drive to equal yours…you may as well start playing the lottery because you’ve got a better chance of winning that than finding that kind of woman. Adjust your expectations of what is possible. You say you love her, you say she’s special, you say she does her best to satisfy you sexually and then let’s you help yourself when she can’t--that’s a fantastic deal!

Let me address the high sex drive thing though because that’s an issue women don’t really get to talk a lot about because we’re allegedly not supposed to have high sex drives without also picking up bullshit labels like “nympho” or “slut” or whatever the hell double standard nonsense the patriarchal hegemony is trying to put on us to make us feel ashamed for acting right and normal. Having a high sex drive is a blessing, believe me, but it only turns into a curse when you go thinking sex is the best you can do when it comes to another person. You think about other people when you touch yourself and worry that it’ll lead to stepping out? Let that worrying keep you at home and you go ahead and think of whoever you want when you’re having your private time with yourself.

This is Molly Cavalli. She occupies a huge place in my fantasy/masturbation for obvious reasons.

My girlfriend and I have a very healthy sex life, but she’s been a lot busier lately with her graduate degree program and other job stuff, so I end up spending a lot of time alone and a lot of time masturbating when I’d probably rather have sex. The thing is, I know that there’s nothing out there sex-wise that’s going to be worth risking my relationship for. The two things simply aren’t equal. Six fuck buddies will NEVER be as good as one good girlfriend at home. So, yep, I masturbate to keep myself happy because it’s what reasonable, rational people do when they’ve got extra desire and drive left over. And you know what, I think about a whole slew of things that aren’t my girlfriend. Because that time is me time and it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to have your imagination and best vibrator satisfy desires that might otherwise have you chasing girls and ruining your relationship. For fuck’s sake, that’s what porn is for! That’s why I write erotica! So people who need some masturbation material can take care of themselves without expecting their partner to satisfy their every need. Find what turns you on, think of whoever you want, and go to town knowing you have her blessing to keep it at home.

This is Jelena Jensen who works for Girlfriends Films sometimes...also obvious why she spends time in my fantasies.

Take a step back, and this goes for all the ladies in relationships, and realize that your partner can’t satisfy every urge/need/desire you have. It’s simply not possible for one person to handle absolutely everything for you. You’re still going to need friends for companionship, family for added unconditional love, pets for nurturing possibilities, and in the case of sex, you’re going to need plenty of fantasy material, a good vibrator (which you can find by using my guide here and graduate to advanced usage with my guide here), and your own two hands. Getting a girlfriend doesn’t mean your every need will suddenly be taken care of by her. You’re still going to have to masturbate sometimes, but isn't that a good thing too? I mean, the fun you can have in your head can include women you haven't even met doing things you may not actually be capable of if it's all in fantasy land.

Strap-ons: Tricks and Techniques

This is my kind of strap-on!

 Strap-ons:  Tricks and Technique

I keep forgetting this is supposed to be a sex advice column, and while I have a lot of fun talking politics, feminist issues, and more vanilla relationship advice, I can’t ignore that the blog is called “Erotic Answers.” My guide to buying strap-ons was one of the most popular blog posts I’ve ever done and so I thought I’d do a follow up post explaining what you should do with one of these things once you’ve found it, or, if you’ve already figured out a few tricks you like, some new things to try. After all, what’s the point of going strapped if you don’t really know how to use it?

I’m also fond of reminding everyone that my qualifications for being a sexpert and relationship advice columnist is actually the fact that I’m a romance/erotica author who has successfully maintained a healthy relationship for many years. I’m not a doctor of the MD, Ph. D, or even DDS variety (can you imagine a dentist’s sex advice column? “Butt Floss More!”), although I do have my degree now, which I didn’t have when I started this shin dig. Of course, it has nothing to do with mental health or medicine:  English with a writing emphasis and minors in political science and women’s studies, which isn’t super important since I don’t need a degree in English to be a writer—I mean, Vonnegut’s degree was in chemistry and Hemmingway didn’t even go to college, so if the boys can do it, why can’t I? Anyway, where was I going with this…oh, right, I’m an author and not a counselor so I’ll be using my fiction to illustrate the points about strap-ons. Technique and accuracy are both important to me, so trust me when I say I have tried every strap-on scene in my works (in one way or the other if you catch my meaning) and I know they’re all not only possible but potentially fun!

Disclaimer: I’m not going over the lesbian purist issues with strap-ons in this post. I covered that in the first one. My stance continues to be:  strap-ons aren’t cocks and don’t make someone less of a lesbian simply for wearing or being fucked by one.

“Lucy’s concerns about much of anything completely melted away when Sasha aggressively bent her over the end of the pool table, holding her chest flat against the green felt with her pencil skirt bunched around her waist and panties around her ankles. Sasha’s favored strap-on, which fit beautifully over her slender hips in the tight jeans, had a little arched knob at the top, designed to tickle Lucy’s clit if they were facing each other, but in the bent over, from behind position, actually vibrated and knocked at her backdoor with every powerful thrust her vampire girl made into her. Lucy screamed in delight as Sasha ravaged her, each scream brought either a tug on the back of her ponytail or a sharp swat on her increasingly red behind. It felt like a proper send-off for the pool table nobody had ever used.

Lucy climaxed again for what she thought might have been the fifth time. An aggressive sweat rose on her skin, adding an additional sting to the harshly spanked red of her behind, and she felt her legs weaken to the point of giving out. Sasha, intuiting that Lucy wouldn’t hold herself up much longer, grasped Lucy’s legs, swept them off the floor into her hands and moved her into a modified wheel-barrow position that Lucy knew would leave rug burns from the pool table felt across her forearms, but couldn’t imagine a reason why she would care.”

This excerpt is from “The Last Best Tip” and illustrates several really important points about going strapped while standing.

Clothes can not only look good with your "accessory" but also help hold it in place!

First and foremost, you’ll notice Sasha is wearing her strap-on over her jeans. This is actually kind of a neat trick considering denim holds straps better than bare skin and provides padding to prevent chaffing in the wearer during, vigorous thrusting. If you haven’t tried your strap-on with clothes, you might give this a try, especially if you’re having trouble keeping it in place comfortably.

Secondly, you’ll notice this particular strap-on has a clitstimulator—it’s like the rabbit part on rabbit dildos, but fits a strap-on harness. These are spendy and difficult to use, and, as you see in the scene, point at other things if you switch positions. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. I’m personally a fan of light playing in that area, and it’s an avenue of pleasure a lot of people don’t give full credit to. Obviously good hygiene and diligent toy washing becomes even more important if you’re going back there and never never never never go from back door to front door—you’re likely to get a really bad infection that way. Still, the little vibrating rabbits meant for clits can feel nice if you switch to from behind positions and of course there are strap-ons that have special attachments specifically for simultaneous anal play.

Thirdly, there’s the modified wheel-barrow position. This requires an appropriately heighted sturdy surface and an athletic partner capable of holding up your legs. Turns out, a pool table does work for my girlfriend and she is strong enough to…you get the picture. Anyway, focus on the right height, sturdy enough to hold more than half your weight, and a girlfriend who is physically capable for this one.

Technically, this has stuff for the wearer and would probably stay in place, but...

The next piece comes from Demons of Paradise:  “…she next found herself lying flat on her back, panting and moaning, with Vendela straddling her, riding almost in slow motion, the front of her kimono falling open on occasion to show her perfect white breasts, which might have been carved of marble for the smooth sheen they boasted. When Brooke reached up to touch them as Vendela rode smoothly up and down on her strap-on, she found the breasts ice-cold, but absolutely perfect in every other way.”

There are theories out there about breasts being grown to promote face to face coupling, and even though that’s evolutionary preposterous, it’s kind of believable considering how awesome breasts are. Regardless, face to face really is the best for a lot of things. Specifically, in this case, if you have a strap-on with interior items for clit stimulationon the wearer, and believe me they are worth a try. On top, or cowgirl, position can really be good for both partners with the right toy making it a one star on difficulty and five star on pleasure. The trick is to find the right position and place for both people to get something out of it, but not necessarily at the same time, although at the same time is amazing. Did you know vaginas are angled differently depending on the individual women? Strange to think of, but it’s true. A position that works for one woman on top won’t work for all women on top because we all have different angles inside, so focus on finding which one works best for you. And, if you’re the cowgirl in this position (and you definitely should at least try it once) don’t be afraid of getting grindy—that’s what will help your partner have fun if you have one of those special strap-ons with clit stimulation on the inside.

Obviously this is varsity level strapping

 “Even as Fiona was getting used to the sensation of wearing such a thing, something she’d never done before, Veronica was busy mentally checking off things on her list. She pushed Fiona against the pillar, fell to her knees, and began giving the most lurid blow job Fiona could have imagined, taking the enormous, red phallus in her mouth with inexperienced verve. The strap along the back, just above Fiona’s ass, scraped and rubbed against the wall with every plunge and sloppy sucking motion Veronica made. There was little in the way of physical sensation to the blow job for Fiona, but the visual, auditory, and energy components shifted her thinking from survival to sexual ends. When Veronica had satisfied her curiosity, she’d climbed Fiona’s body, her lips made rosy from the work, an ineffable smile on her face, having checked off something she’d never done and didn’t want to die without knowing. “Some of the girls talk about how great that is,” she’d said. “I had to know.”
            “Oh,” Fiona had replied breathlessly.”

This excerpt comes from The Gunfighter and The Gear-Head in which Fiona and Veronica are sure they’re about to die, and start doing some naughty things so they at least don’t die wondering. And, this probably sounds strange to the uninitiated, right? Two women, one toy, nobody getting anything physical out of the act of a blow job, so what’s the point? Sure, there aren’t pleasure nerve endings in the strap-on or the mouth really, and even if you have one of the aforementioned strap-ons with the internal clit stimulation, this isn’t really the best way to make use of it to be honest, so why would you try this?

I’m a firm believer that the largest erogenous zone on a woman is the mind. Sure, sure, the clit is a wonder with twice as many nerve endings as the penis, and don't get me wrong, that should be taken care of too, but mental stimulation makes all the other erogenous zones run when it comes to women, and that is what the point of this is. It can be sexy to watch as the receiver and naughty to try as the giver. There are the functional benefits of spit being a good lubricant as well, and unlike straight girls, you can quit whenever you want since there isn’t a possibility of completion (for reals, I get all I need to from this on either end within 30 seconds so don’t feel like this needs to be a big part of anything). Try it for fun, not because it’s a technically sound way to stimulate anyone, but because it might hit a mental note with one or both of you, and as I’ve already pointed out, this won’t hurt your lesbian credibility because strap-ons aren’t cocks.

See how feminine these things really are?

 The last example comes from Lesbians in Space:  Astral Liaisons in which Captain Val and her girlfriends (yep, plural) are in a position called exponential decline by the mathematically inclined one:  “The angle Jesse took with the toy, timed to perfection on every thrust, pressed down against the soft little bundle of nerves inside Val with expert precision. The pleasant sensation of being filled quickly built to something else. The swell of desire building inside Val grew exponentially with every subsequent thrust across her g-spot until a rolling wave of gratification washed through her, raising the hairs on the back of her neck. She barely recognized her own muffled groan of pleasure with her mouth still firmly suctioned to Jane’s clit.”

Judging from some of my stories, the assumption out there is that I probably have lots and lots of group sex, but the truth is, I’ve never had so much as a single threesome. You know that triple kiss thing mentioned in Fabled Fang Girls? Yep, never done that either. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good fantasy or fun fodder for reading material. And if you are one of those people having lots and lots of group sex, that’s cool too.

The information to take away from this scene, which is basically just modified doggy-style with a little oral sex added to the other side, is the g-spot stimulation. Not everyone has a highly sensitive g-spot or can climax from g-spot stimulation alone, which is fine, but it’s pretty darn hard to stimulate the big G without help from a toy, and strap-ons with the right positioning can do a fine job of it. This is going to require communication to get right though. Being on the receiving end of this, you have to let your partner know when she’s found the right spot since, as I pointed out before, we’re all angled a little differently. This doesn’t have to necessarily be an, “Oh, right there!” declaration, although it certainly can be. If you want to work out nonverbal cues like the ladies in the scene did, that’s fine and will help your partner learn to read your sexual arousal far more quickly than trial and error will. This isn’t really an effective position for clit stimulation for the person going strapped, even with the specialized kind. But that can be a good thing too since the person wearing can focus entirely on finding the right angle, which I’m guessing is something straight girls don’t get as much of. So if you’re the one going strapped, focus on finding the exact right way to do this by taking cues for when you’ve hit the right angle to find the g-spot.

Those aren’t the only instances of strap-on use in my fiction, but I thought those were the most useful teaching examples. Hopefully you’ll have a few new tricks to try with your strap-on, or good motivation to go out and buy one if you haven’t already. I’m encouraging my readers to post in the comments how these things worked for them, or if you want to post your own techniques and tricks as well, feel free to do that!

Gushing: the Spurting Story!

Yep, I'm going to be making water jokes with the pictures the whole time.

Gushing:  the Spurting Story!

 (Originally published in Sass Magazine)

            When I received a message about this, I honestly didn’t know much beyond the brief mention of “female ejaculate” in the first season of The L-Word (I love Dana!). The original message, and I’ll paraphrase here to protect the gusher, stated that she’d done this off and on in the past, but hadn’t done so yet with her girlfriend until one fateful night…apparently her girlfriend of two-ish months was not exactly into it, which I think is silly considering she caused it.

            Before we delve into the slippery and wet of the issue, there should probably be a history lesson (don’t go skipping through the history to get to the sex stuff—remember what the subject matter is—it’s all sex stuff). The existence of gushing or female ejaculation has been debated and it’s kind of odd who falls out on each side. A huge swath of the women’s lib movement/Gloria Steinam feminists dismissthe existence of gushing as pure fantasy, more specifically, pure malefantasy. If this made you shake your head in wonder, don’t worry, you’re not alone; I completely didn’t follow this when I read it either. Granted, my knowledge of straight male fantasies is about as plentiful as my knowledge of skyscraper construction:  I’ve seen them from the outside and have been in a few, but I have no idea how or why they’re made nor do I care to learn. Still, I don’t for an instant believe the entirety of female ejaculation was completely imagined, disseminated, and conjured into mythical existence by straight male fantasy. Other people have dismissed it as urine…that is apparently also completely false.

Aren't we glad it's NOT urine?

             Scientists of the vaginal, anatomical, and evolutionary bent have theorized that the g-spot is actually analogous to the prostate in what tissues each are made up of in the same way the clit is made up of a lot of the same structures as the penis. The g-spot and the prostate apparently function like valves. Gushing is not urine; this has been scientifically shown again and again by chemically testing what is actually in the liquid, and it isn’t urea (the protein base compound found in urine). To get down to the really chemically-analytical explanation, gushing seems to be the base liquid that semen would be added to in male ejaculate.

            Now that we know it isn’t a myth constructed by the straight male fantasy machine and it isn’t errant urine, let’s talk about why and how it happens. The answer, in a nutshell, is nobody really knows. I put it out to friends, lesbians, straights, bisexuals, stone-butches, super-femmes, and even gender ambiguous with some interesting, but largely conflicting reports. A lot of internet research said g-spot stimulation was the key, but then a friend of mine said she does it nearly every time she climaxes and she only climaxes through clitoral stimulation. I asked around and found a few other women who have gushed after clit-climaxes. At this point, it was less about the original question—which I do have an answer for, bear with me—I just wanted to unravel the mystery of gushing for myself.

As wet as you're likely to get if you use a dental dam--seriously, safe sex, ladies.

             I started eliciting advice on how to do it. Relaxing and letting go was something I was told, which, if true, would explain why I never had since I tense up like I’m undergoing electric-shock when I orgasm. Intensity was also apparently important; darn, poor me in researching this part. Armed with my two pieces of widely agreed upon information, I brought the quandary to my girlfriend. She told me she didn’t want to do it, wasn’t interested in making me do it, didn’t want me to do it in front of her, and if I was going to test it on my own, lay down a towel so I don’t make a mess on the off chance I do manage to make it happen. This really did demonstrate an element of the potentially off-putting aspects of the act. Before I could actually test whether or not I was able to gush, I had to know how common this reaction was.

            After asking a wide-range of people, I got an equally wide-range of answers, and they really didn’t seem to follow any helpful trends. Some lesbians loved it. Several butches I asked thought of it as ejaculating and really enjoyed the masculinity of that; other butches saw it as a badge of honor to make a femme gush. Many femmes agreed that they’d done it with a variety of reactions, but most didn’t really see it as masculine. Straight men I asked were almost completely split:  some liked it, some hated it, some had never seen it outside of porn and had no idea if it was real or not. Surprisingly, the two groups with a consensus were bisexual women, who didn’t seem to care one way or the other, and gay men who categorically thought it was creepy and several told me they thought vaginas had teeth in them (just kidding boys…but not really). Gay men aside, it really does seem to be entirely personal preference.

            Now let me state here, I did all due-diligence when it came to testing this for myself. I won’t get into the grittier of the extremely gritty details, but let’s just say, no stone of masturbation was unturned in trying to achieve this. And I couldn’t do it. Relaxing at the point of climax didn’t help, intensity didn’t seem to make a difference, and g-spot stimulation (which I canand do climax from, lucky me!) didn’t make any appreciable difference. I shared the results of my catastrophic failure with my girlfriend, and she assured me it was for the best that I didn’t teach myself a trick she didn’t want me learning.

I mean, it's not water sports...google water sports if you don't know what that is.

             So, to the answer for our dear friend, Ms. Gusher…

            Depending on who you ask, what you did was a beautiful, sexy thing or a gross deal-breaker with a lot of gray area in between. From the sound of it, this isn’t an all-the-time sort of thing for you. From my own experimentation (and the abundance of how-to articles/videos/guides on the internet), it doesn’t seem easy to do. It also might need to be something your girlfriend gets the fuck over too. Bodily functions happen during sex. Once you get out of the honeymoon phase of the first six months of your relationship, you’ll probably fart, burp, and pee in front of your girlfriend on at least a weekly basis; some parts of relationship intimacy are gross, but you get over it because it’s just biology and part of doing business as a human being. Part of your girlfriend doing business with your business parts, might mean occasionally having to take a splatter on the face or hand. Come on, straight girls apparently do it all the time and the stuff they’re getting shot with has swimming things in it…I’m getting gayer just thinking about it. If she can’t get comfortable with the fact that sometimes you spurt a little bit, and the studies did show it’s not significantly more than average male ejaculate volumes no matter what internet porn says (I had to watch unspeakable things to research this article), then maybe she should go out and find herself a nice sandbox to play in. There are people out there who are into it, and if this is a deal-breaker for her, you’re probably better off finding one of the ladies who loves it and try spurting in their general direction.

Reciprocity and Straight Girls

Grown up lesbians dealing with grown up lesbian problems.

I'm going to field a couple of questions directed at me through Twitter and hopefully answer some general, all-purpose lesbian questions in the process. Then I might finish it up by talking about threesomes a bit just for the heck of it.

The first question from Twitter involves a young lady who has been dating her girlfriend for awhile now and things have cooled off significantly in the bedroom over the past few months (to the tune of once a month for several months in a row--ouch!). She tries to instigate sex and is rejected while the girlfriend (once a month) apparently is the only one who can instigate sex without rejection. It looks like this has been going on for about six months now and the pent up asker of the question is getting a little sick of being rejected. The reason given by her partner for the low sex drive is that sex makes her feel vulnerable, which is kind of a "duh" comment deserving of a "Yeah, and...?" response.

First things first, rejection, sexual rejection especially, sucks giant squid balls, and I encourage people to say yes to their partner as often as humanly possible. The only time you should reject your partner's sexual advances (especially in a lesbian relationship) is if you're bleeding out of your eyes and feel like all that eye blood might ruin the mood. Part of being in a relationship is tending your partner's sexual garden, which means you might need to do a little water if you don't want to end up with a dry dusty plot (pun intended). Don't get me wrong though, sexual permissiveness doesn't extend to ham-fisted approaches like "wanna fuck?" Part of the instigating partner's job in this sexual give and take is to do their damn best to get the other party in the mood. Wine them, dine them, dress up for them if they're into that sort of thing, keep yourself clean/sexy/lickable in just the ways they like, and tend to their emotional state as well or you're not very deserving of that 'yes' now are you?

Foreplay is I finish my cigarette first.

To the asker of the question, if you're doing all these things. If you're fit as hell, dressed in exactly that thing she loves seeing you dressed in, pitching crazy woo at her with compliments, flirty comments, and have turned your bedroom into a potential fire hazard with candles around satin sheets, AND she's still rejecting you, this is on her. If you're showing up after a long day, whipping off your stinky work shoes, pulling your hair back in a ratty ponytail, and saying, "How about a little head?" You're not all that deserving of any sexual attention and rejection should be the only thing you can and should expect. Let's just assume you're putting the effort in, staying fit, staying sexy, tending her emotional state, and putting forth a real seduction effort...

At this point, you need to lay it all on the table with her. Tell her you feel unappreciated when she rejects your well-thought-0ut advances, that you need more sexual tending, that you don't feel she is open to having sex instigated, and that you need her to say "yes" more often and give you the chance to get her into the mood even if she's not starting off that way. That last bit is key. She doesn't have to be in the mood to say yes, in fact, as women, we usually won't be to start out, but it's crucial that we are in an agreement with our partner that we will be open to them making the effort to get us into the mood, and I think she'll find that going into this with the right mindset, she'll end up being in the mood in short order.

This conversation can obviously go one of two ways. She's either willing to work with you on being in a true sexual partnership where both people's needs are given equal value and importance, or she's not. If she is willing to work with you, then you'll have to keep very open lines of communication through the process to make sure neither one of you is feeling taken advantage of and that you're both getting something out of your sexual trysts. If she's NOT willing to work with you, then you have to decide whether or not her company is worth 12 sexual encounters a year, all instigated by her. I can't make that choice for you, but, speaking only for myself, there's no such thing as someone that would be worth that for me.

Quick summary: be worth saying yes to, everyone needs to be open to the possibility of being gotten into the mood, and if you're in a relationship with a huge discrepancy in sex drives it might not be the relationship for you.

The second question I got was from a bi-curious but straight identifying girl who was wanting to know how she could tell if a girl in her office was a lesbian. This question and a lot the answers to my follow up questions to her, really kind of bugged the shit out of me. First and foremost, bi-curious looking for lesbian is one of my pet peeves. Lesbians don't exist solely for straight identifying girls to run science experiments on. Secondly, after a loooooooong stretch of trying to get at the heart of all this, I found out the asker of the question didn't really have any plans of hitting on the girl because she thought the possible lesbian was out of her league, and she probably was. Anyway, I'll address this lack of gaydar to the best of my ability with the caveat of "no, you shouldn't pester her with your bi-curiosity" and "yes, she probably is out of your league."

Portia is a perfect example of why it is hard to play "spot the lesbian"

Gaydar rule #1 -- does she show the slightest bit of interest in men of any kind? Seriously, most lesbians have as much regard for men as most people have for floor lamps. They clearly serve some mundane purpose (like lighting a room or decorating a corner) but beyond that we don't really have much use for them. If she's chatting with men, open body language, and seems really interested in what he has to say about sports/movies/drywall/cars you've got yourself a straight girl. If her longest conversation with a co-worker male consists of: "Is that coffee fresh?" "Yep" "Cool" you're far more likely to have a lesbian (not proof positive, but it's a good sign).

Gaydar rule #2 -- does she dress the part? This is kind of related to rule #1 in that straight girls dress to impress guys and lesbians don't do that as often since women aren't as visual when it comes to most things (smell and sound count for a lot with ladies and guys can get past both if something looks good enough; when we're working on what we're attracting, this factors in). Does she wear 4" heels with tight jeans? Classic straight girl move. Does she wear contacts or glasses? Lesbians tend to go for comfort and glasses over poking ourselves in the eyes. Are there any hint pieces of jewelry or clothing that would indicate gay pride, equality, or that she is a fan of Tegan and Sara? Rainbows, little yellow equal signs in the middle of blue squares, and Lilith Faire memorabilia are used to signal other lesbians that we're in that club. Check her makeup, is it subdued, natural tones, or is it applied with a spray can? Lesbians are usually minimalists in the makeup department. WARNING! Don't rely on this solely! I am sitting here as a contradiction to at least two of these (makeup and contacts and maybe the clothes). There are lesbians out there who are visibly indiscernible from straight girls, and they're not as rare as you might think. Some real red flags should be icon neck-wear: a huge ass crucifix/Mormon pendant screams straight and rainbow rings/interlaced female symbols are pretty much only worn by lesbians.

Gaydar rule #3 -- what does she do with her free time? Again, this one can be tricky. Softball, walking dogs, golfing, and riding motorcycles used to be dead give-aways. Not so much anymore. Still, if she tends to have a lot of hobbies that most men would view as kind of threatening to their masculinity, you might be on the right track. Strangely enough, I think this rule's increasing ineffectiveness is owed to modern men not being so easily threatened by modern women usurping their roles, which has given straight girls far more latitude in what they can be interested in without scaring off men.

The Mona Lisa's look during college.

Gaydar rule #4 -- what is she doing with her hair? Again, I'm a walking contradiction here as I do the hell out of my hair. But lesbians in general do tend to go with shorter, less hassle, cute but not hot type of looks. Probably because we don't want to be bonked on the head by a caveman and dragged back to the cave; if that's not your thing, low handle length and easy breakage are good things.

These are obviously all across the room type observations. The real key would be to go up to the lady, have a conversation with her, and find out by listening to her answers to obvious questions that will hold lesbian indicators, but, since the asker had no intention of actually speaking to this woman, I have to assume this would be out of the question.

My real concern here, and I have been yelled at before my lack of concern for bisexuals, is that bi-curious girls do tend to views lesbians as fun experiments and breaks from men without real concern for the women they're hurting. My opinion, and this might just be the gold star in me talking, is that bi-curious girls should go fuck other bi-curious or bisexual girls, and leave us lesbians alone. I can just hear the bi girls now, "But Cassandra, lesbians are so experienced and exotic, and you know all about the wily woman on woman ways..." TRUTH! Okay, not always true, but in my case it sure is. Trust me, there are plenty of bisexual girls out there who know all about pleasing women. But, and more importantly, maybe you should have to build up lesbian cred before you can come to us with your head empty of knowledge when it comes to pleasing women. Which leads me to the rules for bi girls...

Rule #1 for bi-curious girls: YOU HAVE TO FUCKING EAT PUSSY! In fact, I'll put a sidebar on this one and say you should eat her pussy before she's allowed to go near yours. Being eaten out by a girl does not make you bisexual or lesbian, it means you have the ability to be licked while staring at the ceiling and thinking about whatever you feel like thinking about. To be blunt, ANYONE CAN FUCKING DO THAT. In Latin-American cultures, it was long thought (and still is sometimes) that a man who gets a blowjob from another man is not gay, but the man who gives the blowjob is. Same rules apply to us ladies, until you reciprocate by going down on her, all you are is a selfish straight girl. Bisexual/bi-curious tag denied!

Rule #2 for bi-curious girls: BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR GOALS! There are lesbians out there who are into one night stands, fooling around, and then sending you back to the forest of penises you came from with stories to tell that'll turn on frat boys. The problem is, most of us aren't like that. Find out if the girl you're hitting on even wants to touch bi-tail. Find out how freaking hurt and pissed she'll be if you go running around telling people you slept with her. News flash! You can do far more damage to our reputations than we can to yours. If you're honest and clear about your intentions and she still wants you, proceed to rule 3.

ZOMG I hope the guys are watching us so we can feel relevant!

Rule #3 for bi-curious girls: DON'T INVOLVE MEN IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM! If you want male attention for making out with girls, go find yourself another drunk straight girl and you can both be swimming in jizz before the night is over. If you want another woman to come back and fool around with you and your boyfriend, find a bisexual girl or hire a hooker. Lesbian does not mean, "hasn't met the right penis yet." You may thrive on male attention, we couldn't care less.

Fantasy land has a fight club.

This kind of loops around to the threesome thing (see how I did that?), which is something of a question brought up by one of my stories oddly enough. In Astral Liaisons, I have a story about a lesbian couple who has occasionally seduced lesbians girls for threesomes, but never in a way that threatened their primary relationship, and then they end up in an odd situation where they have to seduce someone who may be bi-curious or just plain straight. It's called "Flesh Menagerie" and you should probably read it to get the full effect. Anyway, one of my friends and readers asked if I thought this was something realistic to do. Honestly, I think so, but it's not something I've done in my own relationship. I absolutely do think there are open and poly relationships out there that work just fine. I am a little curious about what my readers think about this topic though. Any thoughts, concerns, experiences, or opinions on the validity of threesomes in committed relationships should go in the comments below.

So I answered a couple questions, established some rules, and invited comments about threesomes...that's a full blog's work in my book.

Good Vibrations Part 2

Information without getting this involved in the demonstration

As promised in part 1, the second part of the sex-toy-extravaganza will cover advance toy user information, specific toy types, and information key to lesbian sex toy use (and probably more bad puns). Once you're used to sex toys as a concept, there's really no limit to what all can be done with them; they're as varied and specialized as any tool (which is what they really are) and not just useful in the sex life of us gay girls.

Let's start out by talking about safe sex in the lesbian community. I know, I know, I'm constantly harping on the safe sex and better sex education thing, but with how ill-informed most people are in these matters (because of the aforementioned shit sex ed in this country) I feel like I should bring it up again. The lesbian community is one of the lowest risk sexual communities out there, but just like owning a Mac, low risk doesn't mean no risk. We have fewer sexual partners, have less sex (unfortunately), and our sexual contact tends to be of the less infectious type, which all results in a lower rate of sexual infections. This doesn't mean safe sex isn't important though, especially when it comes to toy use. If you are sexually active with many partners making it through your bedroom and likely making good use of the toys you're keeping there, thorough cleansing between each partner is of utmost importance especially when it comes to toys with ridges, grooves, or realistic (shudder) veins and textures. Viruses and bacteria need biologically active environments to survive, but pussy juice definitely qualifies as biologically active and can settle in these little areas where a once over with a wet nap won't get to them. Thorough cleaning is required between each partner making use of a dishwasher if you're able on the non-electronic toys and liberal use of sanitizer if you're not able to (hand sanitizer works well but make sure you use a lot of it and rub it in really well).

Sexy bike chains?

One of the riskier, but less common, sex practices of the lesbian community involving accoutrement is BDSM. Whips, chains, restrains, and those cats of nine-tails thingies can break skin, are usually made of porous leather that will soak up blood (biologically active to the extreme) and can transfer infection through open wounds. Sadly, disinfecting these items is a whole lot harder without ruining them entirely. So either practice extreme care in how you use them to not break skin, and, if you do, plan on replacing the things you use on rotating partners. A good plan in this case, if you like being whipped, is to keep a dedicated set of BDSM gear that is strictly for you and doesn't get used on partners passing through your bed.

Turning our attention to different types of toys, we find that there are multitasking devices and task-specific toys. There are four major erogenous zones stimulated by toys on women (there are a whole lot more total, but toys only focus on four of them) and several toys that approach each one or can be used on many of them: breasts, internal vaginal, external vaginal, and anal. Many toys can cross boundaries on these, vibrators for example can stimulate internally and externally and also feel pretty nice on the breasts as well. One major caution here though is not swapping toys from anal to vaginal. There are things that live in the anal cavity that should just stay there and will cause problems if you cross over to the vagina, so don't do it. Dedicated sets for each orifice is ideal, but extremely thorough cleaning between the two usages is acceptable.

One of the cases where asking first is always a good idea

Anal toys include plugs, beads, vibrators, and dildos all specific to the task. This is one of the more taboo types for women and honestly doesn't carry the same erogenous boon for women that it does for men (our matching structure to a prostate is the g-spot, which isn't found in our ass). Still, there are nerve endings, there are muscles, and there is the naughtiness factor to anal stimulation that women can enjoy; however, climaxing from pure anal stimulation seems to be something men excel at and is almost impossible for us. This is something worth trying, but don't feel bad if you don't enjoy it and don't feel ashamed if you do (you're in good company either way). I think of anal toys as something like strong coffee or bitter beer--it's an acquired taste, it isn't for everyone, but those who enjoy it really enjoy it. Some toys like plugs are meant to stay inside, be moved around a little for stimulation, but don't require a lot of activity for their sensation. Beads are typically withdrawn slowly during vaginal climax to increase sensation. And dildos and vibrators are often used in almost exactly the same way anally as they are vaginally. If you are going this direction there are two pieces of advice that we can take from our fag brethren: go slow and go lubed. You can never take too much time in the relaxation or lubricating steps, so don't glass over them or it will be both unpleasant and potentially harmful.

Breast toys are a little on the rarer side and tend to orbit around the BDSM function of most of them. There are nipple clamps with chains, pliers, etc, but there are also breast toys that kind of stick to the nipples and vibrate or suction. They're rarer, hard to work, and can be pretty expensive. Even if you're not into full on BDSM, there can be fun to be had with nipple clamps, but the tweaking, painful sensation is not always fun for everyone. There are two major types of clamps, the kind that look like little screw down vices and the ones that look like little alligator clothespins. They do not work equally well for all people and when they slip off, it can hurt. Experiment around with both; there are people who will swear one is far better than the other, and they're usually just telling you what works best for them, so find what works best for you. Also, there is no reason on earth you can use a regular vibrator of any kind on your breasts; intended purpose doesn't mean only purpose, so try it out and see if you get something from it.

Vaginal toys are split into two functions with a lot of crossover between them. Things designed to stimulate the clit and things designed to stimulate the g-spot/internal vaginal cavity can bring out two wildly different types of orgasm if you're predisposed. Many women cannot climax from vaginal only stimulation, but that doesn't mean vaginal stimulation can't add to clitoral orgasms. More importantly, you may be one of the women who DOES climax from vaginal stimulation but you just haven't figured out how yet. What I do recommend is trying both at once to see what you can make of it all.

Clitoral stimulators can come in tiny little packages like butterflies or inside underwear bullets, but can also be as big as the Hitachi wand massager, which plugs into the wall and can be so intense some women have to dull the sensation by putting a blanket or garment between themselves and the vibrating head. This clit is a marvel of evolution (or creationism if you believe god or the flying spaghetti monster built the clit from clay and bits of heaven) with double the nerve endings of the head of a penis. It is also the primary location of most female climax; Freud called these orgasms "juvenile" but I think Freud was cocaine addict with a sexual thing for his mother, so let's just call clitoral orgasms "awesome." There is a feedback variable on clitoral orgasms that doesn't exist on vaginal. I'm sure we've all felt it, that too intense to even be breathed on point where you've run the nerves to the point of practically firing on their own. You can accidentally trigger this too often or too quickly with vibrators, which is where the concept of "vibrator addiction" came from since most tongues and fingers can't match that level of stimulation. The key is to mix things up, find exactly the point things work for you, and not overdo it too often.

Internal vaginal stimulation is combined equal parts of filling and g-spot stimulation. Wanting to feel penetrated does not mean feeling heterosexual, ladies, so don't worry about losing your Vagitarian card over an urge to feel fucked sometimes. Sexuality is far more about who is doing the penetrating than what is doing the penetrating. There are inert toys (dildos) for internal stimulation that can and will perform some g-spot stimulation, but also function to give a filled feeling, which is highly pleasurable. Specific g-spot stimulators tend to have the curved up head and vibrate since finding and hitting the g-spot can sometimes be problematic with straight toys unless you're a master of angles and dipping correctly (and some of us are, but don't feel bad if you need a specific toy for this they're good even if you don't necessarily need them).

Your shopping list just got a lot hotter

There are plenty of toys that combine functionality (internal and external at the same time) but don't feel bad if you find you either don't want or need both at once, or are getting more from one side than the other. More importantly, packing a treasure trove of toys can allow you to do as much or as little stimulation of your erogenous zone as possible. If you want to use all four at once, have all four tools for the job, and feel like blowing your pleasure sensors out your ears, by all means stimulate all four zones at once! I've personally tried this and found it complex, confusing, and a little silly, but you might be better at sexually multitasking than I am.

Speaking of personal stuff, keeping toys is a personal endeavor and steps should be taken to keep it that way. My girlfriend and I use a heavy-duty plastic bin with a lid and places to put padlocks to keep my curious little nephew and nosy mother out of trouble when they come to visit. Hiding places (like the nightstand drawer) are not as secret as you might think, considering a lot of people will open the drawer just to see what's in there. They're also not necessarily the most sanitary place as things other than sex toys routinely share space in these "hiding" places. Storage is important and should be done with care to ensure your toys are safely concealed from anyone who isn't planning on using them and sanitary for when they are used. Sealable plastic containers are always a good option; the locks are up to you, but have saved a lot of explaining for surprise visits from my relatives. As gross as it is to think about this, pets can also be a problem for improperly cleaned or stored toys; if you have a dog (and a lot of lesbians do), air-tight containers they can't get into in locations they can't reach should be something you consider. Seriously, take a look at their chew toys and take a look at your toys--their doggy brains probably aren't going to be able to tell the difference.

I have a few personal favorite recommendations to share now for each category in addition to the encouragement to use sealing plastic containers for storage:

Better than the FDA when it comes to sex toys

Breast stimulation -- I'm an occasional clamp user. While I've seen, tried, and laughed at the sensation of nipple sucking devices, I'm not really convinced they're anything but novelty. I like the alligator clamp types, use them very rarely, and usually can only keep them on for a little while. I like the way they look (since I'm into piercings although not my nipples) but not necessarily the BDSM aspects of their use. The alligator clips are easiest to get off too, which is why I like them; being able to unhook them quickly when I'm done with them is a huge bonus to me.

Anal stimulation -- While I'm not a big user of these types of toys, I do own them, have used them, and do like them when I'm in the right mood. I'm not into the too much effort or focus on that area though, so I do recommend this plug with a dopey name (find one that fits comfortably-size definitely isn't everything) and occasionally beads, although even this is often too much anterior focus for my tastes.

Clitoral stimulation -- If there is something better than the Hitachi wand massager for this, I have no idea what it is. The thing plugs in so there's no need for batteries, has multiple heads to find what you like best, is available most everywhere since it isn't intended as a sex toy (yeah right), and gives some of the world's best orgasms. Storing it is difficult since it is a monster, you do have to masturbate near a grounded outlet, and it isn't remotely water proof, but these are drawbacks you'll ignore when you realize it is the Cadillac of vibrators. Keep in mind, you might need to use it through your clothes or a blanket if you're not up to the raw power it has, and it does have some power behind it.

Internal stimulation -- I am one of the lucky, lucky, lucky few women who can climax through vaginal stimulation alone; my girlfriend Nikki, also one of the lucky few although she's better at it, has deeper climaxes than I do that way, and it doesn't take much time at all for her. Jealousy of her insanely orgasmic nature aside, I do feel fortunate to be one of the ones who can. Simple works best on this for me, and an average, g-spot dedicated vibrator with an egg ending is usually the most effective way to have a g-spot orgasm. The Easy Touch doesn't look like much, doesn't cost much, but it really doesn't need to for how well it does its one dedicated task of g-spot stimulation.

Finally, to wrap this all up, I feel like I have to mention double-ended dildos or shared toys. Honestly, I don't really know a lot about these. We've tried one with spotty success, but kind of just let it sit at the bottom of the toy chest now since we prefer intimate positions the double-ended things don't really allow while still doing much. Maybe I'm not the most skilled toy ninja in the world since I can't seem to make one of these things work, but I'll admit it: I can't seem to make one of these things work. Plus, and this is kind of a weird mental hangup, the end scene in Requiem For a Dream scared the hell out of me not only because Jennifer Connelly is one of my childhood crushes (thank you Labyrinth for that) but because my girlfriend looks strikingly similar to Miss Connelly. If anyone knows a good usage for these things (and wasn't mentally scarred by the ass-to-ass scene from Requiem) feel free to leave the info in the comment section.

I hope you enjoyed the two-part-toy-extravaganza. I also hope this encourages you to branch out, try new things, and keep your toys both safe and sanitary. As my high school coaches were so prone to saying: anything worth doing is worth doing well. And I really feel like that should apply to masturbation and toy-driven sex as well.

Good Vibrations Part 1

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