A Question of Masturbating in a Relationship

After a nice long break from the world of blogging during my time back in California for Christmas, I’m ready to get back into the sex/relationship advice thing and I’ve got a great question from a Twitter follower that I’ve talked to in the past. It seems previous discussions have led to a relationship and now she’s finding new and interesting challenges.

Hello Sapphic Pixie. I corresponded with you on Twitter back on the summer briefly regarding an NSA relationship that was turning into a bit more. The sex was great and we continued on a sex-only basis for a couple of months.

I am butch and she is femme. I was sleeping with six women when I hooked up with her on a dating sight and was newer to town here. My sex drive is insatiable. I am 40 years old and could have sex four times or more a day if given the opportunity.

We are in love with each other now, and in a committed relationship. We both work at home, and I would take her at a moments notice and lay her down and fuck her at any time throughout the day if I could. That is just not possible, and I know that.  She of course is much more level- headed than I am because, even though she is very sexual and very sexually active with me, I am way over the top... And I realize this!

The problem here with my drive is that I am having thoughts of how I was having sex with many women when I met her--when I was getting off with several women because it was satisfying my sexual needs. But I am worried because with these thoughts of what I was doing before I met my love, comes fleeting thoughts of stepping out on her. That scares the hell out of me! I am, and always have been a faithful partner.

I masturbate sometimes several times a day; she knows that and is usually here when I do. I hate to do that with her here, because it’s hard for me to cum with her in the house, because I'm thinking it could be a woman or her rather than me doing it to myself, and I feel deprived. She doesn't mind that I do, and even encourages me to do so because she knows of my drive and of my fears of stepping out.

I don't know what to do. I love this woman and the sex is a big part of our relationship and how we met initially. Can you help me figure this out?

Let’s handout the easy, universal relationship stuff first since there is some in here to deal with. You mentioned not liking to masturbate while she’s home even though she says it’s okay because you’re having somewhat “unfaithful” thoughts in reference to self-pleasure. This is something you’re going to need to start getting over. You’ve got two things working in your favor here: 1-she’s cool with it and 2-thinking about other people while you get yourself off is COMPLETELY normal and in fact a relationship necessity. This is no doubt a hurdle for you because you’re probably not used to having this much shared intimacy with someone…yes, what you’re experiencing now is intimacy; what you were experiencing with the six or so women you were sleeping with before your relationship was just sex. There is a huge difference between the two.

And that’s probably where the real adjustment for you is going to have to come in. You’re not used to intimacy--you’re used to fucking. Everyone makes trade offs for relationships. Intimacy comes with a price. But it also comes with some pretty fantastic rewards. Is she ever going to sexually satisfy you in the way six women can? Of course not and it’s ridiculous to think any woman could! But that’s not what she’s offering you. She’s offering you some sex, by the sounds of it a reasonable amount, that comes with an emotionally fulfilling aspect. She’s also offering you companionship, support, love, real closeness, and even some latitude to take care of your biological desires on your own as they arise. Let me make this clear:  this is a good woman offering you a good deal. Do not make the mistake of thinking you’d be better off stepping out on her with six girls because you’ve got an itch you know you’re able to scratch yourself (with help form her).

Take a second to figure out this picture and how hot it is.

Sex drives don’t match up perfectly. Your chances of finding a girlfriend who is everything you’re looking for, as this woman clearly is, with a sex drive to equal yours…you may as well start playing the lottery because you’ve got a better chance of winning that than finding that kind of woman. Adjust your expectations of what is possible. You say you love her, you say she’s special, you say she does her best to satisfy you sexually and then let’s you help yourself when she can’t--that’s a fantastic deal!

Let me address the high sex drive thing though because that’s an issue women don’t really get to talk a lot about because we’re allegedly not supposed to have high sex drives without also picking up bullshit labels like “nympho” or “slut” or whatever the hell double standard nonsense the patriarchal hegemony is trying to put on us to make us feel ashamed for acting right and normal. Having a high sex drive is a blessing, believe me, but it only turns into a curse when you go thinking sex is the best you can do when it comes to another person. You think about other people when you touch yourself and worry that it’ll lead to stepping out? Let that worrying keep you at home and you go ahead and think of whoever you want when you’re having your private time with yourself.

This is Molly Cavalli. She occupies a huge place in my fantasy/masturbation for obvious reasons.

My girlfriend and I have a very healthy sex life, but she’s been a lot busier lately with her graduate degree program and other job stuff, so I end up spending a lot of time alone and a lot of time masturbating when I’d probably rather have sex. The thing is, I know that there’s nothing out there sex-wise that’s going to be worth risking my relationship for. The two things simply aren’t equal. Six fuck buddies will NEVER be as good as one good girlfriend at home. So, yep, I masturbate to keep myself happy because it’s what reasonable, rational people do when they’ve got extra desire and drive left over. And you know what, I think about a whole slew of things that aren’t my girlfriend. Because that time is me time and it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to have your imagination and best vibrator satisfy desires that might otherwise have you chasing girls and ruining your relationship. For fuck’s sake, that’s what porn is for! That’s why I write erotica! So people who need some masturbation material can take care of themselves without expecting their partner to satisfy their every need. Find what turns you on, think of whoever you want, and go to town knowing you have her blessing to keep it at home.

This is Jelena Jensen who works for Girlfriends Films sometimes...also obvious why she spends time in my fantasies.

Take a step back, and this goes for all the ladies in relationships, and realize that your partner can’t satisfy every urge/need/desire you have. It’s simply not possible for one person to handle absolutely everything for you. You’re still going to need friends for companionship, family for added unconditional love, pets for nurturing possibilities, and in the case of sex, you’re going to need plenty of fantasy material, a good vibrator (which you can find by using my guide here and graduate to advanced usage with my guide here), and your own two hands. Getting a girlfriend doesn’t mean your every need will suddenly be taken care of by her. You’re still going to have to masturbate sometimes, but isn't that a good thing too? I mean, the fun you can have in your head can include women you haven't even met doing things you may not actually be capable of if it's all in fantasy land.

Gushing: the Spurting Story!

Yep, I'm going to be making water jokes with the pictures the whole time.

Gushing:  the Spurting Story!

 (Originally published in Sass Magazine)

            When I received a message about this, I honestly didn’t know much beyond the brief mention of “female ejaculate” in the first season of The L-Word (I love Dana!). The original message, and I’ll paraphrase here to protect the gusher, stated that she’d done this off and on in the past, but hadn’t done so yet with her girlfriend until one fateful night…apparently her girlfriend of two-ish months was not exactly into it, which I think is silly considering she caused it.

            Before we delve into the slippery and wet of the issue, there should probably be a history lesson (don’t go skipping through the history to get to the sex stuff—remember what the subject matter is—it’s all sex stuff). The existence of gushing or female ejaculation has been debated and it’s kind of odd who falls out on each side. A huge swath of the women’s lib movement/Gloria Steinam feminists dismissthe existence of gushing as pure fantasy, more specifically, pure malefantasy. If this made you shake your head in wonder, don’t worry, you’re not alone; I completely didn’t follow this when I read it either. Granted, my knowledge of straight male fantasies is about as plentiful as my knowledge of skyscraper construction:  I’ve seen them from the outside and have been in a few, but I have no idea how or why they’re made nor do I care to learn. Still, I don’t for an instant believe the entirety of female ejaculation was completely imagined, disseminated, and conjured into mythical existence by straight male fantasy. Other people have dismissed it as urine…that is apparently also completely false.

Aren't we glad it's NOT urine?

             Scientists of the vaginal, anatomical, and evolutionary bent have theorized that the g-spot is actually analogous to the prostate in what tissues each are made up of in the same way the clit is made up of a lot of the same structures as the penis. The g-spot and the prostate apparently function like valves. Gushing is not urine; this has been scientifically shown again and again by chemically testing what is actually in the liquid, and it isn’t urea (the protein base compound found in urine). To get down to the really chemically-analytical explanation, gushing seems to be the base liquid that semen would be added to in male ejaculate.

            Now that we know it isn’t a myth constructed by the straight male fantasy machine and it isn’t errant urine, let’s talk about why and how it happens. The answer, in a nutshell, is nobody really knows. I put it out to friends, lesbians, straights, bisexuals, stone-butches, super-femmes, and even gender ambiguous with some interesting, but largely conflicting reports. A lot of internet research said g-spot stimulation was the key, but then a friend of mine said she does it nearly every time she climaxes and she only climaxes through clitoral stimulation. I asked around and found a few other women who have gushed after clit-climaxes. At this point, it was less about the original question—which I do have an answer for, bear with me—I just wanted to unravel the mystery of gushing for myself.

As wet as you're likely to get if you use a dental dam--seriously, safe sex, ladies.

             I started eliciting advice on how to do it. Relaxing and letting go was something I was told, which, if true, would explain why I never had since I tense up like I’m undergoing electric-shock when I orgasm. Intensity was also apparently important; darn, poor me in researching this part. Armed with my two pieces of widely agreed upon information, I brought the quandary to my girlfriend. She told me she didn’t want to do it, wasn’t interested in making me do it, didn’t want me to do it in front of her, and if I was going to test it on my own, lay down a towel so I don’t make a mess on the off chance I do manage to make it happen. This really did demonstrate an element of the potentially off-putting aspects of the act. Before I could actually test whether or not I was able to gush, I had to know how common this reaction was.

            After asking a wide-range of people, I got an equally wide-range of answers, and they really didn’t seem to follow any helpful trends. Some lesbians loved it. Several butches I asked thought of it as ejaculating and really enjoyed the masculinity of that; other butches saw it as a badge of honor to make a femme gush. Many femmes agreed that they’d done it with a variety of reactions, but most didn’t really see it as masculine. Straight men I asked were almost completely split:  some liked it, some hated it, some had never seen it outside of porn and had no idea if it was real or not. Surprisingly, the two groups with a consensus were bisexual women, who didn’t seem to care one way or the other, and gay men who categorically thought it was creepy and several told me they thought vaginas had teeth in them (just kidding boys…but not really). Gay men aside, it really does seem to be entirely personal preference.

            Now let me state here, I did all due-diligence when it came to testing this for myself. I won’t get into the grittier of the extremely gritty details, but let’s just say, no stone of masturbation was unturned in trying to achieve this. And I couldn’t do it. Relaxing at the point of climax didn’t help, intensity didn’t seem to make a difference, and g-spot stimulation (which I canand do climax from, lucky me!) didn’t make any appreciable difference. I shared the results of my catastrophic failure with my girlfriend, and she assured me it was for the best that I didn’t teach myself a trick she didn’t want me learning.

I mean, it's not water sports...google water sports if you don't know what that is.

             So, to the answer for our dear friend, Ms. Gusher…

            Depending on who you ask, what you did was a beautiful, sexy thing or a gross deal-breaker with a lot of gray area in between. From the sound of it, this isn’t an all-the-time sort of thing for you. From my own experimentation (and the abundance of how-to articles/videos/guides on the internet), it doesn’t seem easy to do. It also might need to be something your girlfriend gets the fuck over too. Bodily functions happen during sex. Once you get out of the honeymoon phase of the first six months of your relationship, you’ll probably fart, burp, and pee in front of your girlfriend on at least a weekly basis; some parts of relationship intimacy are gross, but you get over it because it’s just biology and part of doing business as a human being. Part of your girlfriend doing business with your business parts, might mean occasionally having to take a splatter on the face or hand. Come on, straight girls apparently do it all the time and the stuff they’re getting shot with has swimming things in it…I’m getting gayer just thinking about it. If she can’t get comfortable with the fact that sometimes you spurt a little bit, and the studies did show it’s not significantly more than average male ejaculate volumes no matter what internet porn says (I had to watch unspeakable things to research this article), then maybe she should go out and find herself a nice sandbox to play in. There are people out there who are into it, and if this is a deal-breaker for her, you’re probably better off finding one of the ladies who loves it and try spurting in their general direction.

Good Vibrations Part 1

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