Love in India and Not-Really-Roommates

I'm very quickly going to catch up on a couple of questions I received via email, one of which I've been putting off forever, and I'm truly sorry about that. I have excuses though! Possibly even good excuses! Sadly, most of what I could come up with by way of excuses could also just be called living life as a writer/girlfriend/cat owner/human being, which is to say, they're not particularly vindicating.

"Hi Cass,
 I came across ur question answer round in d lesbian dating site. I found ur answer and suggestions to the point and very practical. Cass if u cud do me a favour. M actually in a dilemma and I don't see thngs moving ahead.
M a 26 year old woman from India. I was in a relationship with a guy for few years and honestly I always felt sumthng missing. The relationship wasn't going healthy therefore we broke up for good.. It took me a long tym to get over him. In a years tym, I met this amazing woman. She is a butch lesbian and is open about it. We used to communicate over the phone and met few tyms. Now the thing is I wasnt ready for anythn more than frenship at that tym, however I did have feelings for her. The two months that we were together were the most amazing thing that happened to me. One day we met and thngs went beyond just friends.
Now the problem is soon after that she wanted to get into a relationship but I ws not ready to confront the society. She had issues and she left me. Its been a year now and m stil waitn for her. I have had lots of proposals from guys but I just can't thnk bout anyone else but her. Please help me out. How do I win her back."

This last letter was typed out on a Blackberry--being an owner of that kind of phone, I'm completely sympathetic in how difficult it is to type out a whole email on one of them. Let's all be understanding of the writer of the email for the errors and let's also be understanding of me that I didn't go through and smooth it over since I've recently been blinded by proof copies (not literally, but you get the idea).

Dear India Reader:

What you describe in the first part of your email is fairly typical of non-gold star lesbians. For those of you not familiar with the nomenclature, a gold star is a lesbian who has never been with a man (I'm one but my girlfriend isn't). For women who come to the realization they might be a lesbian after a few awkward relationships with men, it can be kind of disorienting, especially if you live in highly traditional area like India or Alabama.

What happened between you and this lovely woman you fell for is also fairly common. This is good news for you, but I'll explain that in a second. It's incredibly common for a first relationship (or even one a bit down the road) to fail because one person is out to society about being a lesbian and the other isn't. We call it being "in the closet" but I'm not sure if that saying is universal enough to be true in India. You were in the closet, she wasn't, you weren't ready to come out yet, and things fell apart. This is a story as old as Sappho.

This is where the good news comes in. Since it is an old story, and it's happened to people all over, it might be something this woman has experienced before. Breaking up with someone because you're ready to live life as an affirmed lesbian and they aren't is tough, but sometimes, like in this case, a second chance comes along with someone who wasn't ready before, but they're ready now.

You may not be able to get her back. She may have moved on to someone else by now. If that's the case, you need to let her go. But there's good news in this too. Lesbians date, break up, and then become fantastic friends that may end up back together someday or just remain lifelong friends. That's pretty much the glue holding together the lesbian community. So if she's moved on to someone else, make it clear that you'd really like to be her friend and she'll probably accept. At that point, you'll be off and running to meeting other lesbians within the community, since she'll probably be able to introduce you around. You need and want to be part of this group as a new lesbian.

If she's single still, your best bet is to simply tell her you weren't ready then, but you're ready now and she is who you want to be with. Explain you were afraid before, you weren't sure, but you've had time to think and become sure, and you know now that you want her and you are ready to come out to the world. She might have some stipulations about how "out" you need to be to be with her. Consider them carefully, but I would suggest keeping an open mind about accepting them. They might sound tough or scary, but ultimately you'll be a happier person after coming out and you'll strengthen the trust of the relationship by proving to her that you are ready.The next letter is super short and super sweet, but has a HUGE issue behind it. I love those tiny questions that have huge answers.

"How do I come out and tell my family that my roommate of 43 yrs is really my partner?"

See what I mean about it being a small question but requiring a lot of answering?

Dear Not-Really-Roommates


Odds are, if you've been living together with this woman for 43 years, your family will have their suspicions unless you've been a master at hiding it, and even then... When I came out to my family, they kind of had a "finally, she figured it out" response. You may find that this is the case with your family as well. They might be simply being polite enough to wait for you to say. If this is the case, then you're generally not doing anything but clearing the air.

If this isn't the case, and it might not be, then you've got some more work to do. First and foremost, let me congratulate you on having a 43 year monogamous relationship. Well-fucking-done! For those of you who aren't aware, I've quit the last of my dating website/magazine jobs and I'm doing all my advice through my blog/twitter now, which means I can swear in my responses again. That's a huge relief to me since I'm no damn good at watching my mouth.

Your tactic in this should be divide and conquer and here's how:
Step 1:  Make a list of all the people you want/need to come out to in your family.
Step 2:  Pick the people on this list who are most likely to respond well to the news. Odds are, these will also be the people you're closest to.
Step 3: Come out to the likely allies first, doing it individually of course, and bringing your partner along for the ride. Tell them you love them, that you've been living like this for a long time, and it doesn't have to change anything about your relationship with them, but that you wanted them to know since families who love each other shouldn't keep secrets.
Step 4:  Find the people on your list that you don't think will react well at all and decide whether or not you even need to come out to those people. My grandmother on my father's side is extremely traditional Korean, living in Korea. I'm not out to her and I never plan to be. She lives on the other side of the world from me, she'd never accept it, and so I'm planning on running out the clock and letting her go to the grave without ever having to freak out about her favorite granddaughter being a lesbian (my sister thinks she's the favorite because she gave grandma a great-grandchild, but that's just silliness). Odds are, there are some family members on your list that you can just say, "To hell with telling that person."
Step 5: Use the allies you've come out to already who reacted well to it so far to help and support you in coming out to the other, trickier members of your family. If Cousin Joe sees that you have three or four other family members with you that already know and are fine with it when you tell him, he's far less likely to make a scene about it. Do this part one at a time. A person can be reasonable and open-minded on their own, but when it becomes PEOPLE things start getting iffy as to how tolerant they're going to be.
Step 6: Be ready for it to not work out 100%. There might well be people in your family who aren't going to be cool with it no matter how well you approach this. With them, all you can really do is say that you're sorry they aren't willing to accept your relationship of 43 years (holy freaking crap that's incredible!) and that you hope they'll reconsider some day. And then you have to let them go until they get over their bigotry. Sadly, they might never, but that's not on you--it's on them. You don't have to live your life as an apology to bigots, even if those bigots are blood relatives.

I'm hopeful that this will go well and that your family is already probably in the know about what's been going on and simply waited for you to admit it to them. Regardless, I'd love a follow up email or comment to let me know how it went. Regardless of their reaction, you've got me on your side.

Late in Life Lesbian

I'm going to run a question and answer bit of relationship advice I gave at my day job over at TangoWire.com's network of dating sites. I thought it was an interesting question about age and dating with some important side information about butch/femme dynamics. Enjoy!

Dear Cass:

I have been on the site for about four months and have been talking to three ladies that I feel may lead to a friendship or long term relationship, although I have not met any of them in person yet. I am just coming out at 49. I am a femme and always been attracted to butch women. I never thought that I was a lesbian because when I see women walking on the streets I do not have any attraction to them. Only butch women turn me on, and I did not know about butch/femme relationships.

So the first lady I am talking to I would say I have the closet connection because we have been talking the longest. She is a soft butch and has been one since she was a teenager. We have share very private things with each other and I do feel close to her. She is in a nursing home recovering from a stroke so this is why we have not met in person. I told her that I was just coming out because I want to be honest, but I don't know if I should have told her or just kept it to myself. I am a little attracted to her but she is a little smaller than me and again a soft butch. We have talked on the phone, but more of our talking has been though emails because her voice was affected by the stroke and sometimes I find it hard to understand what she is saying even though I do wish we could talk a little more on the phone. She was supposed to get out of the nursing home last week but couldn’t because the apartment she was to live in doesn’t have bars in the bathroom so the nursing home would not release her. Since last week she has not been talking to me as much and I feel distanced from her. I sent her an email and she said she was still interested. We have been talking for almost four months.

The second lady lives in Atlanta and is planning on moving back to NYC where she use to live and where I live now. She is a stud and very tall. I find that I am very attracted to her, but I don't feel that close to her yet as we have only been talking for 2 months. We only talk on the phone but I wish I could email her too because sometimes it is easier for me to express my feeling when I write. She said that she is going to move back in March 2012 and we can start dating.

The last lady I have been talking to for a month and she is a butch, wears only men’s clothes, and I am very attracted to her. She lives only 30 minutes from me and she asked me to go to dinner. I am very nervous because this will be my first date with a butch and I have no idea what to expect. I tried to find out if she was a stone butch but she did not answer because I think some stone butches do not like to be touched sexually, which is fine with me. With all of them I told them that I am just coming out. I told the second lady that I was very attracted to her. Should I have done that? I also asked her if she uses a strap-on because I have never been with a woman sexually yet and I want to know what to expect.

Sincerely,
--3-Times the Love

---

Dear 3-Times,

I love that this letter actually sounds like the premise for one of my short stories or novels. Congratulations, by the way, on being a late in life lesbian! That’s a pretty special realization to come to and it speaks of almost a rebirth or awakening of a true part of you that has gone neglected most of your life to that point. So, well done!

Who doesn't love a woman in uniform?

Let’s talk butches and femmes for a sec. I love that you’re already making choices in what you like, what you’re interested in, and what is and isn’t out of bounds for you. This is a positive trait common to most late in life lesbians—you know what you want and you’re not ashamed to say so. Soft butch, butch, stone butch, stud, etc…these classifications can all mean some slightly different things based on personal opinion and as you’ve seen, regional differences. I’m a California girl so I know that what passes for a butch in Orange County would almost be called a femme up in San Francisco. So my advice on this, don’t get too caught up in what labels they choose to use; focus on whether or not she matches what you’re into. For those of you wondering what scale I’m using on this, I’ve generally always thought of a soft butch as someone who dressed in masculine ways, but clearly hadn’t removed all trappings of femaleness and stone butches are often difficult to discern from men in how they dress and behave and often don’t even use feminine terminology when describing themselves (thus the stud thing). It’s really a spectrum of behavior, appearance, and mindset with a lot of area in the middle for people who just think of themselves as an unspecified ‘butch.’

Classic gender dynamics in a classy way

You know, the more I think about this and re-read your letter, the more I don’t see a problem here. You’re new to the lesbian scene and you’re looking to date around to find what you like. Soooooo...date around. These three sound like a good start to get your feet wet in the lesbian dating pool. As you get to know them more, spend more time in person with them, and really explore your newly accepted sexuality with them, the answer to which one is the best fit for you will slowly emerge, or, and this is just as likely, you’ll find that, while you enjoyed their company and the time you spent with them, you’re looking for someone else entirely and you’ll get to go out and date that new person. You’re fresh on the scene—soak it up a little before you decide to leave with just one person. Since you are a late in life lesbian, you should also be open about the fact that you are recently out. This can only help your dating situation in letting people know you aren’t up to speed on everything in the lesbian community despite your age, but also because this pseudo-virginity and inexperience, especially when trying to attract a chivalrous butch, can be a pretty big turn on for someone who is interested in showing a new girl the ropes.


One final note on the strap-on and sex thing, and believe me when I say I am a super advocate of these devices, go ahead and do some research on your own beforehand. It sounds like you’re curious, and rightly so, but that doesn’t mean you need a dating partner to explain it all to you. There is a link to my blog on my website to find what I’ve written on the topic, which would be a place to start. If the intricacies of strap-ons, lesbian sex, and stone butches are something you’re interested in, there are tons of resources out there to explain it all in detail. Reading up beforehand will help a lot with what to expect and can be kind of hot fun too.

-- Cass