Sex & Relationship Advice

Let me start by saying I am not a mental health professional, I hold no advanced degrees in counseling or psychology, and I don't take payments of any kind from people whose questions I answer. My background, if you must know, is in creative writing and political science. I have always been very open about my credentials, or lack thereof as a sex advice/relationship advice columnist/blogger/tweeter. I am someone who has had a lot of sex and someone who is in a healthy long-term relationship. Most, if not all, of the questions I get are innocuous and are answered with reassurances and never with medical advice which I am not qualified to give.

Part of why I think I get sex advice question and why sex advice is actually something fairly common in the U.S. is that the sex education in this country sucks. I came out at 14, so I went through the vast majority of high school as an out lesbian. Do you know how much sex education in high school dealt with LGBT issues? None. Gay teen boys in my high school didn't know the first thing about the risks of anal sex and lesbian girls weren't told word one about dental dams. Never mind that the straight students weren't properly advised on safe-sex (we were an abstinence only sex ed school so we had TONS of pregnant teens and STDs). I don't advise teenagers, I don't know how to set up sex education programs, but with the current state of things, it's not remotely surprising to me that many of the questions I get are from 18-20 year old lesbians who have no idea what is going on. I advocate for a more inclusive, more comprehensive, and more preventative system of sex-education in this country, but I do not include freelance sex advice columnists in this equation.

I've often made the joke that the only difference between a sex advice columnist and a loud-mouth slut was only one of them had a publisher willing to print what they said (Thank you Sass Magazine!). My advice is based on my experience and belief of what is healthy sexual practices for adults and how to maintain healthy relationships. My views do not encompass all lesbian or female opinions and I'm always open when I know very little about something and will usually do the necessary background research to inform myself before answering (even if it means watching gushing videos...which I did, and I'm scarred). The beautiful thing about this is, I invite other opinions and answers on these blogs and my column at the magazine. There's a comment section for both. If anyone thinks they can answer the question better, by all means, answer and give the reader another choice to consider; I won't delete anyone for disagreeing with me. If people want to ask a dozen sex advice columnists, their personal therapist, and spiritual guru and then pick their top three favorite answers, that is fine by me. I do not pretend to know everything and I won't claim I have the one true answer to any question.

What I hope people will get from my columns, blogs, and tweets is entertainment and much-needed reassurance and direction in pursuing sexual and relationship fulfillment. I like to think I'm at least a little bit funny in text, I have an extremely active sex life with my partner that includes tons of experimentation, and I'm just offering a perspective I think might be missing from the overcrowded landscape.

To quickly cover a couple of questions I've received through Twitter:

The first question came from a first time bisexual/potential future lesbian who was just now experimenting with her first possible girlfriend in her early twenties. She was concerned because, in the past, her male lovers had failed to bring her any real satisfaction or pleasure (I'm hoping this was a big tip off that she might be gay). So she expressed a concern that she didn't want to be the same lousy lay her boyfriends were in the past. She wanted to know what she should do to make sure she brought pleasure to her new partner, and asked me for advice on how to do that. (By the way, this is the question I get most often)

Valid question and valid concerns. I can just hear all the other lesbians in my readership pulling out their frustrated hair about yet another "bisexual" college girl who is sick of men and deciding to experiment with women. Ladies, take a moment, calm down, and let's give the benefit of the doubt. Let's also give me a little credit...>:)

My very first advice is: go down on the girl. In fact, this is a requirement. Let's call this one of the true litmus tests for bisexuality or lesbianism. If you like eating pussy, you're at least in the running. Having a girl eat you out is not going to cover experimentation and it certainly won't help in the quest to please your partner. My dear, you must eat pussy in your first sexual encounter.

Second piece of advice is to make use of your natural home-field advantage. You have a pussy and breasts and so does she, so you have at least a starting point to figuring out what she likes by starting with what you like and adjusting from there. You also know what a clit looks like and where it is, so you've already got a head start over the boyfriends who couldn't get you off.

Which brings me to the third piece of advice: pay attention and ask questions. Physiological cues aren't exactly difficult to read. A bored look in the eye or screaming and bucking can tell you which direction you should go in and what you should do more of or less of. If you're getting confused by the body signs, for fuck sake, pull the vagina over to the side of the road and ask for directions. Odds are, she's just waiting for you to ask. If she's a shy girl who doesn't want to physically tell you, ask her to guide your hand or head, or simply emote in a certain way, "yes, yes, YES!" can be as clear of a message as "lick my clit in circles." She might find something new that she likes that no one has ever bothered trying with her in this type of sexual hotter/colder game too.

The second question I got was from a young woman who was looking for advice on how to start coming out to her family and friends this summer, which I thought was a lovely project to work on over the break. I also would love to see a society in the future that nobody would ever have to ask this sort of question because being gay wouldn't be so stigmatized that we had to have a potentially life-threatening and/or life-altering event like coming out. Of course, most of us live in a country where gay marriage bans are still getting voted into existence and gay hate crimes still occur on a daily basis, so I'll set aside my dreams of utopia and answer.

Step 1: Create a list - This list should evaluate everyone you need to come out to based on how they are likely to react. These are your friends and loved ones, so you should be able to assess in general terms what you think they might say or do. Also order who you need to come out to based on who can help you come out to the rest of the list so you can come out to them first and have some allies. Also figure out who is a giant blabber mouth who might come out to everyone for you in a really unpleasant, gossipy way and you can tell them last, the lousy snitches.

Step 2: Use your list wisely - As I said before, life-threatening is an increasingly rare side-effect of coming out, but by no means an impossibility. If you have someone on your list who has the potential to react violently, do your coming out in a public place or with defenders around. Protect yourself through preparation even if you only think someone MIGHT react badly. Don't sacrifice your safety for their feelings.

Step 3: Get your support system in order - This is going to be rough and emotional and draining and you are going to need some help. If you don't have much of a support system, find a Gay and Lesbian support group or center to help you out. These exist nearly everywhere and are plentiful online if you live in the boonies. This can also be accomplished by coming out to your biggest fans first (usually your mom and best friend) and then having them help you complete the rest of your list.

Step 4: Accept that you might lose people - Coming out isn't like the Navy SEALs or Avenger's League or whichever one doesn't leave people behind. You might run into family members or friends who are not okay with it and plan on making it known how not okay they are with it every chance they get. Let them know that you love them, you wish they would change their mind, but if they can't accept you for who you are, then they don't need to be in your life until they can. This is hard (see the support group you made in step 3 to help you through). Friends and family do not have eternal, unrestricted access to you just because they are your friends and family. If they're going to be dicks about it, you don't need to talk to or see them. Denying them access to you will preserve your sanity and emotional health, and will give them a good reason to change their attitude.

Step 5: Coming out doesn't have to mean to the world - Out and proud is great, and I encourage it, and I love living my life this way, but I'm not out to everyone simply because my 75-year-old Korean grandma living in Korea can just live out the rest of her days not knowing. It's a hassle I don't need, a strain on her she doesn't need, and it just doesn't come up often enough for it to be worth the inevitable explosion that would ripple out to rest of my family. If things change, I can change my plan, but for the time being, I'll let time and death do what time and death do. Make up your own mind on whether or not you have relatives you feel this way about, you may not, or you may think the blowup is worth it, I can't decide that for you, but I do think it is an option to leave on the table when making your list.

Step 6: Enjoy your new life as out and proud! It's a wonderful world and we're glad to have you in it.

Strap-ons: Squeak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

This article was originally posted in Sass Magazine but will soon be replaced by a new column about gushing, so I thought I'd archive it here for people who haven't had a chance to check out Sass yet (and everyone should), where I can include some links and visuals not supported by the magazine format. Enjoy!



I’m going to break the first rule of sex advice and give advice that wasn’t necessarily asked for. Second column and I’m already breaking rules laid out in the first one? Get used to it, ladies; I am woman and thus reserve the right to be inconstant. The topic to cover, one I wasn’t explicitly asked about, deals with strap-ons. I don’t mean to brag (okay, maybe a little), but I know a ton about these. The background for the question…recent discussions in a multi-racial, multi-generational LGBTA group led me to believe there is more misinformation than information in the lesbian community and so I thought I’d be Miss Information and let everyone in on my extensive knowledge.

The squeak reference in the title alludes to the squeaking sound so many of the harnesses make until they get broken in, and, odds are, you will break them in. A little background on the question (that I wasn’t asked, but should have been) is probably in order. There are some generational divides in the lesbian community in America (and probably everywhere else) that relate very closely to the second wave feminism movement of the 1960s and 70s. I’m going to skip all the ways lesbians, women in general really, of my generation disagree with Gloria Steinem save the one about sex toys. For a lot of lesbians, especially those of Ms Steinem’s generation, penetrative sex is still taboo with the exception of fingers, of course, and I still can’t understand why. With the emergence of the modern butches and drag kings, who view worn-toys as not just practical but part of their sexual identity, I’ve found a lot of new allies for my pro strap-on agenda despite being a femme in an all-femme relationship.

In mixed circles, which I travel in on occasion, the issue of sex toys comes up all the time. The prevailing “wisdom” is that if men use dildos they must be gay and if women use them they must not be. This is, of course, utter nonsense. Wanting to be penetrated has never had anything to do with a person’s sexuality and everything to do with penetration being pretty fucking great. One of the ground rules for just about anyone into penetration, and I’m not alone in thinking this, is that craving penetration does NOT mean craving cock. You can call a strap-on a cock, write cock on it with a Sharpie, register it in the sex toy hall of fame as Mr. Cock and it will never ever be a cock. Cocks deliver sperm and are attached to men—strap-ons don’t do either of these no matter how much you spend.

With that out of the way, we have to deal with what goes in the harness. I’ve discussed this with everyone I could get my hands on to gather as many opinions as humanly possible and I’ve come to two major conclusions:

#1 – If you don’t want it going inside you, it’s not going to do you much good; aesthetics are important. I’m like most people—I like shiny things (you have no idea how long it took me to figure that one out) be it cars, jewelry, clothing, hair, or, in this case, toys. There’s just something about shiny toys that I find visually appealing; maybe I was a crow or raccoon in a former life. I don’t like realistic looking toys in the slightest: veins, faux-pubic hair, flesh color…it just grosses me out. So, when it’s my turn to be on the penetrated side, we go with the pearly, pink, torpedo looking dildos. The point is: figure out what you find visually appealing. You should want that thing inside you and that starts with liking what it looks like.

Also, figure out beforehand what you want to call it. Nothing can derail fun like hearing one of those pet-peeve words uttered by your partner mid-coitus. My girlfriend hates the word ‘moist’…no idea why, but I know not to say it during sex. Most gay girls have similar issues with any number of the expansive library of names for penis; get the labeling ironed out beforehand.

In one of the discussions I had about strap-ons in one of those mixed groups I mentioned, a bi-guy friend stated, in a fairly cock-centric way, that evolution perfected cocks for pleasing pussies. I pointed out that evolution perfected cocks to deliver sperm, which turkey basters do a better job of, and sperm delivery doesn’t matter for strap-ons. Besides, don’t we live our lives telling evolution it didn’t do a very good job? If evolution got everything exactly right, we wouldn’t need shoes, eyeglasses, or toothbrushes. Don’t assume nature got it right; find what’s right for you.

#2 – One size does not fit all. Pussies come in all shapes and sizes; thankfully, so do sex toys. Harnesses, even the adjustable ones, are not necessarily going to be universal enough to fit both you and your girlfriend, unless you’re lucky enough to be about the same size, and even then, there’s a lot of preferences on where those straps sit. You may be able to get away with one harness, or you might have to buy two; they’re expensive, but getting the right one is worth the money and typically they last longer than your memory of the money you spent. Whether you go with leather and buckles or vinyl and Velcro, thong back or around the legs, you have to make sure it fits snugly, holds the desired dildo, and is comfortable enough to wear for awhile. Getting worn raw by an ill-fitting harness can really cut future rides short, cowgirls. In addition to the advice of spending money to achieve good quality, I do have to add that our womanly curves (or lack thereof in my case) can be a hindrance to fit. Leather harnesses with buckles offer the most customization in this area, and the rule of thumb should be: if you have trouble finding clothes to fit your body type, odds are you’ll need something with buckles for your strap-on. For petite women, like myself, this is especially important as I can punch new holes to fit the harness even smaller if need be.

A huge mistake I see a lot of newly strapped ladies is the wearer picking the toy, which is, pardon the pun, ass-backward. When you’re wearing the harness, she picks the dildo. Don’t assume the size and shape you enjoy are going to work for her; you can end up with an uncomfortably sore partner or a massively unsatisfied one with that kind of thinking. Trust me, even if you don’t particularly like the look of the toy she picks out, you’ll start to like it when you see how well it works.

Something that goes overlooked is how stylish these things can be.

We were built with g-spots for penetrative sex, toys are often necessary to stimulate the g-spot, and g-spot stimulation is pretty damn nifty; no social construct or hang-up about toys looking like penises should deny you or your partner a g-spot tickle—besides, a lot of toys look like popsicles with pink bunnies riding them, which sounds pretty damn feminine to me. If you haven’t tried a strap-on yet, what are you waiting for? If you have one and enjoy it, tell me what’s working for you and I might mention it in next month’s article, especially if I missed something. The point is, when you’re eating French fries, it’s fine to use your fingers, but when you’re eating spaghetti, you need a fork. So, get a strap-on and fork your girlfriend!

If you enjoyed the first installment, check out tips and tricks of strap-on uses from Erotic Answers!

Kink Imitating Fiction

I am an unabashedly kinky person. Being born and raised Buddhist, I have absolutely NONE of the hangups that most people seem to pick up with a traditional Christian upbringing, especially in Orange County. This complete lack of fear of an almighty monitoring my bedroom antics has allowed me more than a little wiggle room in what I can and will do. A loving, understanding, and fairly kinky in her own right, partner has made this so much easier to explore. So imagine my surprise when I found out my own imagination and wandering fiction writing could spawn new kinks to explore.

The question wasn't really sex advice, more of a passing interest from a Twitter follower, who asked me if my writing ever influenced my sex life. Being a romance/erotica author, I had to admit there was a fair amount of crossover between the two worlds. She asked me for the kinkiest example and I went straight to my first full-length novel based on a story in my second collection. In it, the character who is more than a little like myself is collared and leashed in a post-apocalyptic steam-punk world by a woman who is more than a little like my girlfriend. Obviously, this has made a few appearances in our during and since writing the book (which should be out this summer by the way). Not to bore you with the details, but obviously it followed the fiction fairly closely with her holding the leash and me wearing the collar. This innocuous question kind of got me thinking about where the idea even came from and why, for the vast majority of the crossover from fiction to reality, the trend tended to be me writing it, and then us doing it, rather than vice versa.

One of the primary functions of erotica, romance, and pornography in general seems to be, on some very rudimentary level, sex education/sex inspiration, so it would stand to reason that most kinky and/or new sex acts would go this direction. But in this case, I'm the literary pornographer so all of it is already somewhere in my twisted mind. The only real answer I could come up with was that the fiction allowed me to test the waters with Nikki, since she reads everything long before it's published, and then I gauge whether or not she's into doing it by her reaction--99% of the time she is.



My overall point, getting to it very slowly, is the positive external influence erotica and porn in general can have on a relationship. I don't seem to have the hangups common to my gender, most lesbians, or American women in general when it comes to admitting outside sources into my sexual relationship. I don't honestly know why most people think it is a closed system in the first place. The collar and leash thing wasn't something I invented--the mere existence of the pictures I've been scattering throughout the blog prove this--so I must have picked it up from somewhere and that somewhere was definitely an outside source. I hate to say this, but ladies, we tend to be our own worst enemy on this, and we're almost always the ones rejecting the concept of outside help (if you're a lesbian reading this then it is 100%). Somehow we get it in our heads that our special, perfect, pure-as-the-driven-fucking-snow relationship will somehow be tainted by the evils of pornography, erotica, or any outside source; as though our sexual flowers can grow inside air-tight containers thrown in the freezer. When things in the bedroom invariably stagnate, it's suddenly a big mystery why nothing new is happening and both people are getting bored of the same-old/same-old.

Think of it this way. You might be a master chair-maker building chairs to end all chairs, but you wouldn't know the first thing about building a boat unless you read a book on it, watched a how-to video, or took a class. Same tools, same building materials, similar skill set, completely different concept/act. Inviting porn and erotica into your relationship and bedroom doesn't ruin a relationship, it makes it stronger. I don't know where I picked up the leash and collar thing, but Nikki and I both have agreed we don't care where it came from, we're just glad it came. Honestly, I probably saw it in some picture on a random latex website (yes, I'm into that too) and the lovely, perverted part of my brain thought, "Yes, I'd very much so like to do that" and it didn't show up again until I was writing the book.

Drop the hangups, lose the preconception of your relationship being a closed environment that can sustain itself, and go get yourself some erotica or porn to find something new you haven't done, but would very much like to try. Or go grab a leash and collar if you've been digging the pictures on this blog and thank me later.

The Process

A few people have asked about how I'm making the transition from promo model/brand ambassador (something of a jackass job if you ask me) to full time freelance writer and novelist. Seeing as the transformation is almost complete I think it'd be easier to post my routine here so people can see exactly what I go through rather than explain in detail whenever someone asks me. There might be easier roads to professional writerhood, but you have to have ties to the Mormon Church and be named Stephanie Meyer for that...

My morning starts around 10 AM...okay 11 AM. Coffee, breakfast, checking Craigslist and the various staffing agencies for the highest paying gigs with the least amount of shit I don't want to do. If I'm lucky, I have offers already in my e-mail, if I'm unlucky, I get to start making phone calls and sending e-mails.

I usually have class from about 1 PM to 5 PM and I'm almost always late. I'm good at a lot of things, but punctuality just isn't one of them. Between classes I tweet like a little bird on my smart phone or laptop to build a following and keep up name recognition. This requires an average of 15-20 a day, they have to be good or people aren't going to be interested when I'm trying to plug my writing.

A few on campus meetings for clubs and activities in the evenings, more tweeting, and I get home by 7 or 8 PM...or 9, usually closer to 9.

For the next four hours or so, I write, tweet, blog, do homework, send e-mails and query letters for reviews, post information everywhere I can, edit, rewrite, and basically live on my computer.



Around 1 AM, I usually wake up Nichole and pester her for attention (she's an early riser so she rarely appreciates this). When that doesn't work I unwind for an hour and go to bed.

On the weekends, I work trade shows and promo events pretty much the entire time and then when I'm planning on writing in the evening, I'm usually so sexually frustrated from writing erotica/sex advice/reading sex advice e-mails/flirting on Twitter, that I do everything in my power to get laid whether Nichole is in the mood or not--she usually is or is easily gotten into the mood.

The fact of the matter is, being a freelance writer and author is far more about self-promotion than actual writing. Of course, if you're a lousy writer, it doesn't really matter how good of a promoter you are. I've noticed that every political cause and societal interest I used to have is taking a backseat to my own cause right now. Living the dream really should be replaced with building your brand to be at all successful in writing.

So, not exactly sex advice, but for all the people who think I'm "living the dream" and want to know how it's done...there you go.

I promise, next time I'll post about something more interesting...

Lesbian Bed-Death

Originally Published in Sass Magazine in February 2011:

Dan Savage, the fag counterpart to my dyke-ness, often says the only qualification needed for a sex advice columnist is people asking for advice. I like this, but I also don’t agree with it completely. When it comes to sex advice, I believe having a lot of sex, a healthy respect and love of sex, and the ability to communicate experiences with sex is equally important. I’m sure Mr. Savage is qualified in this respect as well, but his expertise in sex tends to be of the man on man type, while mine is entirely woman on woman. I have other qualifications as well, gold-star, romance/erotica writer, notorious sex-fiend, etc., but the most important thing I have to offer is answers to questions unique to lesbian sex.

Lesbian Bed Death: When Girlfriends Become Roommates.

This is probably the primary issue, and feared outcome, of most lesbian relationships. We have so many fantastic excuses for not only why it happens, but why it is okay that it happens. For those of you who don’t know about this phenomenon (good for you by the way if this is the first you’re hearing about it) it’s when the sex drives of both ladies completely drops off and you end up with two cuddly friends who happen to share a bed.

My favorite explanation to hate is the lack of a penis in the relationship. Doesn’t it make sense? Without a horny guy and his little yogurt-slinging trouser snake driving sex to happen, how are we ladies to even know if or when we want to have sex? Of course, if this theory were remotely true, it would mean gay male couples would have active sex lives right up until they died of exhaustion from excessive sex. The problem is they can eventually run into the same drop-off in sex, they just take longer getting there. Straight couples run into it as well where both parties, but usually women, list the need to get the spice back into their marriage as one of their primary goals in their relationships. So, if bed death occurs in couples that don’t even have a lesbian involved, we can’t really blame the lack of penile involvement.

Here’s my theory, one that encompasses not only lesbian bed death, but the bed death of couples of all make-ups: people get comfortable. Routine is comfortable, boring sex fits into routine, and usually ends up being cut for lack time/energy/interesting things to do in bed. Bed death isn’t a lesbian-only occurrence, it just happens faster with us because we race headlong into the comfort zone. Question: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Answer: a U-haul. Sisterhood, the fact that you’ll start cycling with your girlfriend during cohabitation and our urge to merge brings us to the comfortable, routine state in a matter of weeks where it usually takes straight couples years to get to the same point. Biochemically speaking, we’re designed to be comfortable with each other.

How do you morph this lovely, comfy roommate relationship you have back to the steamy love affair you started with? The same way everyone else does: re-ignite your sexual fantasy fire. Our fantasies about our partners taper off when familiarity grows. Part of this is the letting ourselves go thing everyone seems to do in stable relationships, and lesbians tend to be some of the worst offenders. Take care of yourself, not just for yourself, but so your partner will still get tingly feelings when they look at you. Alluring clothes, keeping fit, staying interesting, and just plain old trying to be your partner’s fantasy will all help stave off the dreaded bed death. Stand in front of the mirror in your glasses and sweatpants and ask yourself: would you fuck her? Putting effort into yourself will encourage your partner’s efforts in bed.

One huge problem in any long term relationship is the lack of tantalizing fantasies. Either you didn’t come in with many or, more likely, you’ve done to death most everything you wanted to do. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t grow new fantasies; most people just don’t bother to. Here is where people struggle based on their own restrictions when it comes to outside sources. If you had the ability to spontaneously think of fantastically hot things to do, bed death wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. There are how-to books on the subject that’ll give you a million ideas, with pictures, and encouragement to purchase ancillary products, but, like all self-help programs, they imply you don’t have to do any of the work, which is completely false. The answer is porn in all its various forms. We are living in a golden age (or as close as we’ve ever been) for lesbian porn. There are several studios now that cast actual lesbians, have lesbian directors, and don’t have a male anywhere near the set (Girlfriends Films, Cyber-Dyke, LezSex, Crash Pad Series, etc.). They all have very good ideas that could easily be adapted to your love life, plus, they’re really hot, and what better way to start thinking about sex than to see people having sex? If you’re not ready to take the leap to a DVD powered love life, or you’re a more text-based individual, and a lot of us are, why not try erotica and romance? I’m not just saying this as a romance author either. The fantasies I’ve read in the erotica I love have fueled my own sex life for years. Find fantasies you like and share them with your girlfriend. Encourage her to find fantasies she likes and share them with you. Go out, find sexual gems, and bring them back to your relationship; your partnership does not exist on an island. With the amazing collection of lesbian porn for lesbians and e-reader copies of erotica books, the ability to bring in outside creativity material is easier and more discrete than ever.

Say YES. This is simple, when she’s in the mood, and you’re not, say yes, and do the work to get yourself in the mood, or encourage her to do the work to get you into the mood. Ladies, let’s be honest here, we hate rejection, we don’t often risk it, and of all rejections, sexual is just about the worst, isn’t it? Take that out of the equation by making a deal with your partner to endeavor to say YES as often as possible. When you know your advances are appreciated and accepted, you’ll be more likely to make them. This creates reciprocity, something astoundingly important in lesbian sex, and will make her feel more comfortable to come to you when she’s in the mood knowing you’ll be receptive. The question of who should instigate sex should always be whoever is horny.

Finally, and this is the most important step to take, stop taking your partner for granted. When you lose the fear of losing your girlfriend, you lose the motivation to do things to keep them, and those things are most often the ones that lead to sex. If you still take the time to make her feel special out of the bedroom, she’ll take the time to make you feel special in the bedroom.

Bed death is both avoidable and curable with a little effort, a little porn/erotica, and a lot of saying yes that’ll lead to screaming yes later.